Happy New Year!

The final posting of the year-Happy New Year!!! Here's to the new year and new beginnings!

I Heard a Voice.

Back in my own Kitchen.

Well after a slightly longer Christmas holiday than I'd planned I am finally home. Most of the snow has gone up here and none more looks likely at the moment. Not been up to much except going into town, looking at the sales (and being very good by not spending too much money) and shopping for a fine feast tonight.

There is something curiously British about the Sunday roast. We all seem to do the same thing every week. But in my place, it is not just confined to Sundays. In fact as I was at the Boxing Day run on Saltwood last Sunday I missed the roast. Good day though and managed to catch up with many old friends. So I thought it thoroughly appropriate to make up for Sunday and indulge my kitchen with some old fashioned roast pork.

Hour and half to go then time to feast. And there is good reason to celebrate. I sat up late to see England finally win the Ashes in Australia-that hasn't happened for 24 years.

So pork, wine, beer and cricket highlights are what's in stall for me tonight.

Hope everyone survived Christmas and may you all have a very Happy and Peaceful New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Off to London tomorrow-more old friends to see!

Happy Christmas!

Hi everyone,

Well it's nearly here. Christmas is but a few hours away and I will be celebrating in style. Such a change from the past.

In years gone by, the time before risperidone Christmas was one of my darkest points of the year. There is nothing worse than being surrounded by people celebrating when one is chronically depressed. But that was my past. Now my mood is up, it's time to party and I know I will wake up feeling alive tomorrow.

For those who are reading this, whatever your state of mind I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

Old Haunts but no Voices.

Well, I made it via a very precarious rail journey down to Kent. Had to change plans and come down on Monday to beat further appalling weather and left my car at home. But hey ho I'm here now.

I've lived off and on in Kent since I was 10 years old. The family moved down here in 1979 and my mum and dad still live in the same house. Not much changes, my mum swims in the sea in all weathers-she was in today despite the snow and ice; and they say I'm mad? People come and go but they always seem to be drawn back to the sea.

Kent has some very mixed emotions for me; it was here that I spent most of the darkest times when my madness was completely out of control. One of thing that emerged out of the darkness was a strange psychotic affinity for certain places, sounds, people and objects. My madness was characterised by symbolism.

So I found myself this morning walking a well trodden route through the melting snow to my old secret place by the water. In those days it was hidden from land and water but is now quite open and well used. That is a shame but progress brings some change. It was there that I talked incessantly to her voice-it was only after 1994 that the man's voice arrived-listened the mental jukebox, and slumped into the morass that was my insanity. It was a lonely silent place amongst the reeds, lillies and bullrushes (is that how you spell it?). One sunny summers day I spent a day with an adder not more than 4' away; it ignored me and carried on sunning itself.

Then one day I could no longer go there; too much pain. But now the pain has passed and I'm once again free to go where I like. But there is still that quiet, dark memory that one day my madness will strike again; it's a fear most of us live with.

Should be on here again before Christmas.

I Heard a Voice.

Beating the "Experts".

When I lasted posted on here, a shameful 2 weeks ago, the UK was gripped by snow and ice. That has all gone. But we're expecting it back next week so whether I make it to Kent for Christmas is in the lap of the gods.

So what have I been up to? Too much if I'm honest. Life is just as hectic but will slow down after tomorrow. I'm off to Cambridge tomorrow, my spiritual home. Business first then hoping to see my friend Jayne and her new baby then meet up with my sister for dinner. Friday brings a tidying up day then our department Christmas dinner. After that it's party time. For the first time since I started working part time I have 3 weeks off out of choice. The only other times I've been ill.

Talking of being ill, sometimes I almost imagine that I imagined my mental illness. I'm just so well now that sometimes I don't believe my past myself. But of course each night I take my risperidone and realise I need it.

Something someone said to me few weeks ago struck a cord-"even the Maudsley gave up on me". For those who don't know of the Maudesley it has a reputation of being the elite mental health hospital in the UK if not beyond. I never went to the Maudesley but I did spent 4 months in an equally renowned hospital in London. It was in the spring and summer of 1994; I was 24 years old.

Whilst not quite as grim as many other facilities that passed for "treatment" in those days, it was nevertheless a relentless grind. They took those who were deemed by others to be untreatable. So we were the elite of nutters. I refused to comply and was therefore cast off into the wilderness and deemed beyond help.

But I did survive and now thrive. I defeated the greatest mind psychiatry had to offer and I took some pride in that. But it was a grim pride and one born out of desperation. Salvation took another 7 years to find.

Sadly not everyone is that lucky. What happens to the untreatable? In reality few people care and they are just a burden. Most end up with a label of personality disorder as I did. Whilst I wish professionals persisted more, I was wish that those in receipt of services did too. The enemy are not always the enemy; some of them are okay.

But earning trust is hard especially when you have been shat on a much as I have. If you can't find hope there is little chance. Perhaps it is down to me and my colleagues to try to find hope for those we work with.

And so to the rest of the week. My flat is full of junk, I need a serious tidying session. On the plus side I have bought all my Christmas presents, and for the first time ever I've even wrapped some of them before Christmas Eve. I'm living off leftovers, don't really want to be buying loads of food before I go away. But on a day of rare virtue I have had 7 portions of fruit and veg today-my Dr will be delighted!

Hoping to post again before Christmas. Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I've saved a ham to poach in perry on Saturday; have to have some indulgence, it's nearly the holidays!

I'm a Technophobe.

Hail and salutations from a snowy, icy, windy, and freezing Hertfordshire. Winter has come early but not badly enough to keep me away from work. Hope it clears by the weekend as it now seems I singing in Sussex on Saturday.

As the title of this post suggests, technology terrifies me. I'm a complete idiot when it comes to that sort of a thing. I resisted e mail for years yet cannot do without it now. Blogs were a tremendous gamble but one that appears to be paying off both at work and here. My mobile does all sorts of fancy things but I'm too frightened to use them. Everyone says do everything online; when I do it always goes wrong. I don't like technology and sometimes I don't think it likes me.

But in the last week or so I discovered that I have a stats facility on here. And there are some of you out there who are reading this. As I pottered last night I made a further discovery; I can identify individual countries where viewers reside. Much to my surprise I now know that there are readers in the USA, Canada, and in Singapore. And there was me thinking just one or two friends here in the UK were reading even if I felt sometimes that they were just humouring me.

If you are out there, welcome and thanks for reading. I'm acutely aware that our winter blast here is nothing compared to that experienced in some parts of the USA and Canada but remember, it doesn't happen here often so we all shit ourselves when it does!

On the food front, I'm turning French today. Coq au Vin marinading in my fridge, simple but very pleasureable.

Take care in the snow and ice.

I Heard a Voice.