It's another filthy day here in Hertfordshire. We had a brief respite from the rain yesterday when the sun came out but it was bitterly cold. Today it is hammering it down with rain again.
My mood is as bleak as the clouds outside. A really horrible three weeks. That it is different from my usual depression is clear. Dark, low mood accompanied by bewilderment and confusion. The sense of what have I done lays heavy on my mind. I try to always be kind and supportive to those around me. To curb my anger and display to the world a quiet confidence.
I feel anything but confident at the moment. In this age of instant messaging it is easy sometimes to misinterpret the tone of the written word. Maybe that's what I have done. But when a reem of messages come in from the instigator of my current malaise all of which feel hostile, aggressive, condemnatory and frankly plain nasty it is hard to know how to respond.
Silence endued. Simply not knowing what to say hurts. Am I playing games? Punishing? Being unkind? After a two week gap the messages recommenced. Not in a kind way. My response was a video message. Maybe that was right. Maybe wrong. But I hoped interpretation would be easier.
The morning after I'm too anxious to look at a response. Fear pervades. Maybe I should have blocked her or ignored her as so many of my friends said. But those who read my last post I consider such actions childish.
So for now messages are unopened. I'm listening to The Magic Flute and cooking roast pork. I have friends coming round.
I Heard a Voice
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