Haunted.

 That terrifying spectre called anxiety has come to haunt me today. Full of fear and utterly overwhelmed I am really struggling today. 

Mainly it is work but also problems with energy company. Not so much what is to come but more how to overcome what I must face before I finish. 

Only two weeks to go but the tasks I have set for me are proving impossible to do. The fates seem to be conspiring to make those last weeks a nightmare. It affected me on Saturday but it's worse today. 

Just getting out of bed took supreme effort. But I did get up and I did buy some food. But I couldn't work. 

Please tomorrow be kinder to me.

I heard a voice 

Nearly the End.

The glorious sunshine of earlier has given way to a dull afternoon. It was so cold overnight that my heating clicked on for the first time since May. Must get my winter duvet out when I change my bed.

You find me working from home on this Friday afternoon. The days are passing quickly and soon the final words of this chapter of my life will be written.

My departure from the university is feeling very real now. And very odd. My friend Sammie who I helped recruit to work alongside me in 2015 left yesterday. We had a lovely lunch and home made cake send off for her. She said it felt like she was going on holiday and she can't really get her head round it.

For my part the end comes on Monday 8th November. I must hand over my laptop, phone and ID card. Then I will be gone. The emotion is mixed but I remain optimistic. Hopefully we will have a little drinks gathering on the that final Monday. Not sure if I will be required to speak but it would be nice to address a crowd there for the final time.

Sometimes I can be very critical of the institution, certainly it is not without its problems. But then name a large organisation that doesn't? There are though many things to be grateful for. They gave me a chance when no one else would. Many have embraced me. Many have praised me. They funded my MSc in Mental Health Practice. They gave me a platform not only to help vulnerable young people, to save lives, but also to establish myself as a well known practitioner. And they gave me an identity beyond just a support worker.

I rarely go to mental health events now but when I do so many people know my name. That would never have been possible down in Kent unless I had heeded the pressure and trained to be a social worker. Laudable as that would have been I know many from my side of the fence who took that route and ended up regretting it. I could not side that much back then.

Now I will become part of an established orthodoxy. I will once again be part of statutory services in my new job but I will not stop using my voice and taking the side of those who use our services when it is needed.

The connections I have built up both in and out of my current employment help. There has been nothing but praise for what I have achieved since coming here in 2007. And the confidence others have in me moving on is ringing loudly. I just need to stop doubting myself and keep proving it.

My weekend will be quiet. Braised ox cheek on the menu tomorrow followed by slow roast shoulder of lamb on Sunday. Sarah will join me for the latter. Enjoy yourselves everyone.

I Heard a Voice. 

To Us.

So much of my life was defined by mental illness. Mad became my identity. I didn't do anything except be mad. Well mad and poor.

On this mixed autumn day of grey skies and wet outlook followed by beautiful sunshine I'm reflecting on that. And I'm not the only one. Today we mark World Mental Health Day. It is a day for us.

The day my life descended into madness started as a good day. Yes I was hungover, yes I felt guilty and yes I was struggling with myopia but the sun was shining and my life felt awesome. The descent was not so much that as a fall from a great height. I didn't really hit the floor until 14 months later when my total breakdown led to life support, pain, anger and incarceration. Then my madness was all I knew.

In the years that followed I could find no saving grace in mental illness. The exception was the extraordinary people I met, loved and lost during that time. And I lost a lot of friends. To death and drifting apart.

When I turned my life around inch by inch my plan was to leave mental illness behind and become a teacher. Whether it was my inability to teach, my high anxiety or plain bigotry that world never happened. Today would be different, the Disability Discrimination Act held no weight in schools back then. Today we have the Equality Act and we are better protected.

Given what I faced there was no other option but to work in mental health. In my arrogance and anger I wanted to be a consultant but a friend who knew the business said "Mark you have to start at the bottom". And that's what I did.

Today in 2021 my journey is about the change direction again. A new chapter begins in five weeks time. But it will still be mental health. And I will be influencing things.

Do I have a legacy for the last 14 years of my life? Many would say so. How long I will be remembered is unknown and probably doesn't matter. I made a mark and helped some people.

My message today is look out for you, look out for others and be kind to yourself. I have the incomparable Ros Sandhu to thank for that phrase. On our day please remember us. You never know when you might become part of us rather than part of them.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.