Looking Back.

Hi there, been a while. On a wet Friday lunchtime a quick hello from me. As things stand come 4 pm I will have completed two full weeks back at work for the first time since May. That is a good thing. I'm taking things gently until my occupational health appointment on Tuesday. Then we will see.

My holidays are approaching, two weeks for my birthday then another week before the start of term. I hope to visit dad at some point. Marie is visiting in mid September. And hopefully we can fit in the postponed visit from Nikki, sadly she was unwell when due up here last week. I also intend a day or two here and there to meet specific friends.

Yesterday I did some looking back on my posts from 2021. Funny how the mind deceives us. My thought is that I have managed really well all things considered. Until my slump in June. But looking back it has been a difficult year and I haven't managed as well as I might like to think.

Not a lot of cheer in those posts but I hope today will be joyful. I get paid. I will visit the Turkish barber after work for indulgence. I have more money that I anticipated. I will eat out. And I will have nice wine.

More importantly than that though my mood is good and my anxiety is low. I'm managing better than I have for several weeks. And with the coming slow down and time off I have an opportunity to recuperate before the onslaught of late September.

The weekend brings time in the kitchen. Steak tomorrow, rare roast beef on Sunday, and pork chop on Monday. After that I don't know. But it will be good.

Take care on this wet afternoon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Shaded Solitude.

 Been a while my friends. And most of that while has not been kind to me. Low mood, high anxiety and obsessional thoughts. My medication has been up for two a half weeks. 

Finally when the regime finally pays dividends I'm hit with another covid alert. I know who and where it came from this time. But that really help. 

I haven't stayed home completely, I have to buy food. But I'm being cautious. 

On such a blisteringly hot day I had to get out for a while. And I chose the shaded solitude of the woods. Completely alone in there there was no chance of putting anyone at risk.

The solitude comes to an end on Thursday. Just in time for my friend Nikki to visit on Friday. Until then though all plans are cancelled. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Moment of Silence.

 On a humid overcast Friday afternoon I'm home alone, laptop off and radio playing. It has been thus all week. 

As I've continued to struggle for another week I finally spoke to a GP who signed me off for ten days. It was a relief to be honest. 

With luck I can return to work the week after next. That said my sleep remains sporadic, anxiety varying from overwhelming to managing and my mood remains fragile. 

Life without structure has its moments both good and bad. It has allowed me time to sleep, to walk, to eat and to shop. 

Returning to my car this afternoon having ordered my medication I was struck by a few moments of silence. The traffic died away, no one was in sight and for those moments I felt serene. 

With that I will leave you. I will get better. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Terror in the Morning.

You find me at home, away from work, away from people and reeling from yesterday. I suspected my return to work last week was premature but I didn't expect to be bitten so hard yesterday. Waking at 6 am I spent the next three hours terrified in my bed, strangled by fear and overwhelmed by the world. All because of a tiny insignificant thing that any number of friends can help me with.

By pure coincidence I was speaking to my consultant yesterday morning. He's not really witnessed the depth of my despair as mainly I have done well since he came on board. He quickly told me that I had reduced my medication too soon and advised me to increase the dose and take some time away.

Still full of fear and a desire to hide under the duvet I managed to contact my manager and let her know I wouldn't be in for a week. A huge setback for me, the fight that I display so often has deserted me and left me a sense of desolate failure.

Later in the day I tentatively let my world know I'm struggling and as ever they came for me, put their hands up in support and each said to contact them when I can. In truth I don't like talking to people when I'm not good.

A day on I slept better, my anxiety has abated somewhat and I am less tired. The emptiness hovers over me but I'm holding my own. The increased dose has helped and I've not completely been blown away thus far.

I did make it out to the Farm Shop at Tewinbury and bought some lovely ingredients. I'm determined to keep cooking. Last night I pan fried chicken strips in gram flour, cumin, oregano and pimenton on a bed of salad with pomegranate seeds and flatbread. Tonight there will be braised neck of lamb with black pepper and turmeric. If I stop cooking I know I'm in trouble.

But I am not at that point. Each day I will fight back a little harder, inch towards salvation and resurrection. One day I will right the ship.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.