Splitting Apart at the Seams.

Way back in March when I was sent home from work and the world shut down for the first few weeks it felt to me that people were pulling together and being kinder to each other. Early in lockdown I read a piece in the Sunday Times by the former Tory minister Liam Fox about the book he was writing on the history of pandemics which illustrated that much social good comes from these disasters.

Sat at home on a cold gloomy September day six months on I'm losing the will to see human kindness. The central part of my community here in my small part of Hertfordshire is the pub over the road. Having been shut down for 15 weeks, opened again and now restricted again friends are turning on friends and it is all falling apart.

I despair the political bloodletting, the division and the hatred. Nothing like this has happened since 1918/19 so how did any government know how to respond? We are all in this, if we fight each other we are in trouble.

On a much more important level the deep racial divisions in my society and across the Atlantic have been starkly exposed. I do not know about Black Lives Matter apart from what the press tells me but I do know that peace and reconciliation must be a way forward. I'm lucky in my life that I have so many friends from all races, creeds, beliefs, gender orientation and sexuality. I'm lucky enough to see that diversity in my work place. Please let us fight together not fight each other.

In my small and insignificant part of the world I too have been struggling. I had an awful week. I haven't switched off all weekend and I'm heading for a showdown that will be brutal whatever the outcome. My future is clearer but more foggy. I'm delighted for friends but have a sense of doom in my own career and future.

After a tough weekend I will try to highlight the good. I had fun with Gary and Ali last night despite their inebriated state. I have listened to Mozart. I cooked fantastic roast shoulder of lamb. I have chatted to friends. And I get to watch the Rams at 6 pm. It is not all bad.

Take care everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunlit Autumn Day.

Greetings from a beautiful Hertfordshire. Two weeks has gone by since I wrote. In truth there could have been several posts but they never came.

So on this sunlit autumn day I'm back. Careful as ever in what I have to say but that makes it clear life is not easy. All my travails of before are still there. I'm facing what may be a game changing decision. At best good will come. At worst I will have a lot more money but an even more uncertain future.

Terms starts on Monday. Is there about to be another lockdown? What chaos that would bring I do not know. What I do know is that my return to campus on Thursday was a bewildering and overwhelming experience. Got almost nothing done and anxiety was very high. Yesterday all our systems were down so could get little done then either.

Facing next week I live in fear but time stops for no man. But I have the weekend first though. Tonight there will be a southern Thai duck curry and tomorrow roast beef awaits.

The rest of this afternoon is devoted  to Handel and reading. Maybe I'll be back on here soon. Sorry I didn't have much to say today.

I Heard a Voice. 

A Passage in Time.

On this day in 2007 I moved away from all I knew and undertook this crazy venture here in Hertfordshire. Who could have known I would be in this position all these years later? Never all together happy I feel more uncertain at this stage than at any time during those years. Work however can wait. I'm on holiday.

The cold and rain has given way to mild autumn of sunshine and beautiful hues of leaves. Not sure what to do with myself this morning after waking early again I watched the first half of the Richmond Tigers then ventured forth for a fry up. All a bit of a come down from yesterday.

Then I ventured to town to go to Borough Market and meet my friend Krishna. She tells me we have known each other ten years now and we have both had our share of low times. She calls me her Buddha as I have always given her good advice. By her own admission she probably wouldn't have been alive today without my interventions. For all my doubt I know that for every Krishna there are a few more. People say kind things about me. I'm just not very good at being kind to myself.

I was very restrained at market only buying spices and some balsamic vinegar for Sarah. The birthday lunch on Sunday with Sarah, Jess, Miriam and Nigel was fabulous. Some of the finest roast beef I've had. How long until I go there again?

Ahead of me lies uncertainty. Yes I will enjoy my last few days of freedom. What the start of term brings I do not know. That I'm anxious is a given; it was ever thus. A colleague at another university who I met early on all those years ago later described me as like "a rabbit caught in the headlights". It was pretty terrifying back then. And all done alone.

Now I have immediate colleagues and though we all face uncertainty as Robin put it "we will face it together". A big contrast to the loneliness of 2007 to 2015.

Back here at the flat I'm listening to Haydn and wondering what to do. Maybe some reading. A roast chicken awaits later. For the the clock keeps ticking in a passage of time.

I Heard a Voice.