Sunday, 12 January 2025

Colours on the Snowy Linen Land.

A frost, icy sheen has carpeted our land for days. It's freezing. But beautiful. The crunch under foot on the grass. The slippery pavement. And a cold that is bitter. 

The last week has been perhaps the most volatile I have ever had mentally. Hypomania, lows, rapid cycling, despair, rage, eruptions of anger, hopelessness, fear, paranoia. It's been tough. 

In truth I haven't been calm for more than a month. Until yesterday. 

Add in two events beyond my control and one can see why I struggled. My fear and distrust of dogs in widely known. So being attacked by my neighbour's dog as I opened the front door of the block of flats blew me away. This triggered an eruption of anger that scared the shit out of two friends. Then getting a call from the GP  surgery saying they are stopping my trimipramine absolutely threw me. I was in trouble. 

Yet yesterday I woke calm. My mood was neither up nor down. There was no fear, no anxiety, no paranoia. Just being. That is an unusual state for me. 

Despite very difficult dreams I am still calm today. I'm listening to Turandot. There is a half shoulder of lamb in the oven studded with garlic and rosemary. I'm making a conscious decision to drink less. Adding my passion for wine to a vulnerable and volatile mind made things worse. 

Will I go out into the snowy linen land and bring some colour? I don't know yet. What I do know is that I feel okay today in just being. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunday, 5 January 2025

Melting Away With the Snow.

I've been home for just over a week. I've achieved very little in that time. Tomorrow I must return to work. 

Throughout my two week break work has never been far from my thoughts. And those thoughts have been filled with anxiety. God I hate anxiety. It cripples me at times, saps my energy and eats away at my self confidence. 

Am I where I was two years ago when I stared into the gates of hell? No but it has been really hard going. And very lonely. 

Yesterday two different people asked if I needed to increase my medication. I hadn't thought of that. Given how much it wipes me out when I do I will try to avoid that.

On this Sunday morning as the overnight snow melts the anxiety has dissipated a little. No intrusive anxious dreams waking me as has happened previously. That's a relief. 

When I have summoned the motivation and energy to get out of the slump I have been re-reading "A Pillar of Impotence". Alongside me a woman from my past is reading too. Twenty years after completing the manuscript and fourteen years since the publication of the paperback I'm getting an amazing commentary on what I wrote.

All seems a long time ago now.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday, 1 January 2025

New Year, New Plan?

Greetings on a miserable day here in Hertfordshire. Rain, wind but no floods here. 2025 has started on a damp note.

I got home on Saturday. I continue to struggle to switch off from work despite not going back until next week. There is a need for change and a new plan. 

The holiday hasn't been without good news. My friend Merit had a baby. And a woman from the past has come back into my life after 34 years. We have both been on a difficult journeys but I'm glad she's back in my life.

I had hoped to visit Jess this week but she is unwell. I have been lucky this autumn and winter, only caught one cold so far.

The party at The Hedgehog was pretty wild last night. I was home by 12.30 am, I don't cope so well with parties these days.

Happy New Year to you all.

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunday, 29 December 2024

Through the Murk

For the third day in a row a fog engulfs our little land. Bitter cold too. Driving back through that yesterday coupled with heavy traffic and speed restrictions was exhausting. I didn't do much when I got home except the washing. 

We are approaching the end of 2024. Not been easy at times and there's still a gaping hole in my life post Charlotte. I mourn for my loss not for those who chose to leave my life.

There have been highlights. I'm still affecting the mental health narrative. I'm speaking out and being noticed. I hope 2025 will give me a bigger platform to push for change, push for recognition, and to push for humanity not statistical data.

On this quiet Sunday I'm listening to The Marriage of Figaro. A mallard stuffed with bay and thyme is roasting in the oven. And I'm on here writing. 

Next week is my time too. Holidays always go too fast.

Later an old school friend is visiting. He resides in Holland but has been with his family for Christmas and they live not too far from here.

If I don't get on here before then Happy New Year and stay safe. Always be kind to yourself. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Friday, 27 December 2024

Misty Morning.

Hi all, hope you enjoyed Christmas if you celebrate it, holidays if you don't and are in good cheer.

Fog has descended on the Kent coast. We made it through Christmas. A roast goose on the day, a mountain of cheese and a lake of red wine. Presents given and received. 

Miriam and Nigel went home yesterday. I go tomorrow. Try as I might switching off from work has been hard. I'm facing difficult times there despite how hard I work. 

There is however another week off before I face that head on. Very much hope to get to see Jess next week. 

Happy New Year when we get there.

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunday, 22 December 2024

A Kentish Sunday.

And so to rest after a brutal couple of months. My emotions are raw, my stress high and anxiety for the future prominent. Will it ever get any easier?

I fought through the traffic, the speed restrictions and the rain to make it to the Kent coast yesterday. Dad had forgotten I was coming. 

This morning brought sunshine but high winds. I woke very late so I'm behind. There is leg of pork in the oven roasting. I'm struggling with the crackling but hopefully some at least will come out.

Dad is at church as I write. I'm here for a week, very much needed. 

I'm not depressed and my anxiety not overwhelming but I do need to switch off. 

Reviewing 2024 there has been illness, loss, death, long dormant memories of the past awakened, brilliance, despair, joy and sadness. Such is the human state. I am flawed but I am a survivor. I am weak but I will fight. Hardest of all is to recall that I am loved. I must live with that. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sunday, 15 December 2024

Til Death Do Us Part.

The month of November marked the deaths of six people known to me. All were older people so not exactly unexpected. Yet two deaths stood out. Two men whose careers went side by side, one as head, one as deputy for more than four decades.

They were buried on consecutive days last week. One was widely publicised, well attended and happy memories. I attended. The other with no publicity was buried the day before. One I mourn. The other I do not.

Me sense is that it will not be long before light is shed on a dark place. Speaking to an incumbent in the present day at the wake I remarked that there wasn't much safeguarding in those days to which she responded I know. 

Us survivors glory in an arrogant and storied past but how many are still fighting their demons 45 years later? I still do sometimes. 

Away from that my daily work and existence remains difficult at times. But I guess that comes with the territory of what I do and where I do it. No institution is without its faults and challenges. 

Christmas is but ten days away. I need the break. In the meantime I listen to Mozart and contemplate lunch at The Waggoners shortly. 

I Heard a Voice.