A Sudden Plummet.

I awoke this morning after a horrible nightmare with my mood plummeting through the floor, exhaustion, no motivation and a sense of despair. No idea why this happened but the joys of having a mood disorder have once again struck me.

Days like this when it comes out of nowhere are extremely difficult. I've given up trying to make sense of it. There simply is no explanation or sense to it.

That I must ride it out is clear. But the isolation that has come with it is crippling. No one is picking up the phone. No one has made me angry which is my usual precursor to the depths of hell. Strangely I'm not feeling particularly anxious. I did have a setback in the week. Maybe that is the trigger.

I'm forcing myself to eat. I feel starving but I've no appetite or energy to do so. Not wanting to cook or prepare food is never a good sign for me.

Two weeks today I will be in Kent. Yes Christmas is not far off. Let us hope that brings some joy. Be good to see my dad, it's been a while.

I will write today off and hope tomorrow is better.

I Heard a Voice.

Miserable Out.

The day after a beautiful Advent Sunday it is miserable out. Wet, cold, dark and windy. Definitely a day to stay indoors. Sadly I had to go out twice and experience early winter treachery.

My working day is done. Not sure how productive it was and in parts raised more questions than answers. What I do know is that Thursday next week will be the most intense and meeting heavy days since my return in mid September.

As this blog is dedicated to mental health and food perhaps an update is due. Mood is non descript, kind of zero on my old scale, neither up nor down. Some days anxiety overwhelms me. A friend asked me about voice hearing on Saturday. The truth is it has only happened once since starting Risperidone in September 2001.

The culinary adventures continue. I celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday with roast turkey and cranberry sauce. On Saturday a beef curry from Cambodia. Quite spicy and delicious. Sunday lunch was roast lamb with mint sauce. That too was very good.

My Christmas holidays starts at 5 pm on 19th. I travel to Kent on 20th. Decadence will ensue.

Have a good week everybody.

I Heard a Voice.

Bitter Wind and Anxious Complection

A bitter, biting wind swept across our land this week. Walking to a meeting on Tuesday the wind pierced three layers of clothing and a thick, heavy coat.

Whilst it is warmer today it is miserable out. Just been for a pint of IPA at The White Horse in Welwyn.

My week was overshadowed by phone anxiety and the erroneous news that a friend and fellow survivor had died. Some digging revealed more positive news that he is alive. That's a relief.

The residual effects of my heavy cold cling on to me still. Awful cough but feeling a lot better. Home in the warm I'm just watching the rugby.

Plans for the weekend have changed. I was supposed to be hosting my friend Laura but she is unwell. So dining alone on roasted chicken leg smothered in herbed butter minted new potatoes, carrots, green beans and peas, gravy and a glass of organic Pinot Grigio.

Payday arrives on Tuesday. It will be an expensive month, car MOT and service as well as completing my Christmas shopping. Three more presents to buy.

Mentally my anxiety of yesterday has dissipated. Whatever was wrong with my phone yesterday has righted itself now. It was amazing how vulnerable I felt without it. How crazy is our modern world that our entire lives are stored on these little devices.

Tomorrow brings roast beef. Always good on a Sunday during dark and dank November.

I Heard a Voice.

Puccini, Belly Pork and Contemplation.

Activity on my blog seems very intense at the moment although I don't trust what I view. Too many in too many unusual countries to believe.

On a grey and cold Sunday morning here in Hertfordshire I'm listening to Madame Butterfly and slow roasting belly pork. The potatoes are parboiled. The vegetables are yet to be prepared. I'm enjoying the peace with my book to the left and iced water to the right.

So what of the past 10 days or so? Pretty ropey to be honest. Stomach bug followed in rapid succession by a heavy cold. My chest was so tight on Thursday I sought advice from a phatmacist and came home with a bottle of cough syrup. Amazingly effective really. I feel much  better now although the cough remains.

Despite the malady I continued to work and to make progress. Awaiting a meeting to decide which direction I go but in the meantime I continue talking all things ADHD with a variety of people.

The year is marching on. What a tough year it has been. Am I happy? Happier than I was. Am I any wiser? I hope so. Am I any less anxious? Depends on the day.

Yet each day I will tackle as it comes. I've lost friends in recent years. Do I know why? No not really but I continue to blame myself for it. I must remember it is more a them problem than a me problem.

I Heard a Voice.

Dank Days of November.

Hello out there. After a dank, wet but mild couple of days the sun finally has put in an appearance.

I've not actually been well the last two days. Yesterday a stomach bug and today a sore throat. Let's hope it doesn't morph into something worse or long lasting.

Home now after some Christmas shopping. Did quite well. Three more presents to go. I plan to buy the wine in the week with a voucher I received. Miriam and I will split the cost. We will once again do a goose with a glazed gammon on Boxing Day. The days are going by quickly.

Back at work things are progressing. I'm delving into all things ADHD. Truely fascinating. All sources suggest its underdiagnosed and treated in my country. Balancing the needs of individual adjustments with whole class teaching is really tricky.

My culinary adventures elicited roast pheasant yesterday. Today shin of beef in ale. Miriam and Nigel are visiting tomorrow. A table is booked at The Waggoners.

With that I will leave you.

I Heard a Voice.

Unexpected Obstacles.

On a beautiful but cold Sunday morning I'm to be found at home listening to The Marriage of Figaro. About to start reading a new book. And a half shoulder of lamb prepared for the oven.

But not all is well. My Monday had to be re-arranged due to some IT update that I didn't understand. IT may be easy for some people but not for me. Might be more helpful to explain to an idiot rather than patronise as if I am an idiot.

With no working phone or laptop to guide me to a place I haven't visited for more than six years a friend had kindly offered to pick me up and drive.

Sunday morning that plan is in tatters as it now transpires I have occupational health tomorrow which clashes. So had to postpone IT via my manager. God knows how I'll get there another day as my friend is busy next week.

Yet it doesn't stop there. Horrific nightmares drove me out of bed early on the day I get an extra hour in bed. Split contact lense, anxiety, and generally nothing has gone right today.

Let us hope the roast lamb rescues the day. My friends Adam and Mel are coming over. Roast lamb, roast potatoes and carrots, sprouts, cavalo nero and cauliflower, gravy, mint sauce and a bottle of Chianti.

I Heard a Voice.

The Narrative of Hate.

On this sunny but blustery Sunday lunchtime I'm home listening to The Magic Flute and trying not to be overwhelmed by a world that seems filled with hate. Attacks on mosques and synagogues, cheap hotels, random people in the street for being different and the violence of gangs.

Who is peddling this hate? It feels like too many people. Add in all out war in eastern Europe and parts of the middle east. I'm loathe to make political statements or choose sides but a lot of people are very frightened. 

Living in fear is part of my life. Not fear of being attacked. My mum used to worry about me going out at night. Yet I usually feel safe. The exception being that terrible affliction of cocaine, testosterone and alcohol that pervades so many of our pubs. My fear is more of the ordinary, the every day and of getting out of bed each morning. 

Is one fear more legitimate than another? I don't fear walking the streets as so many in the Jewish community do after the attack in Manchester. Other communities too fear. I'm not in a target group parlayed but those full of hate. Being non white in my country must feel very threatening in these dark and uncertain days.

As a humanitarian I reach out to people of all creeds, faiths and cultures when the time is right. That might be war, be it group targeted violence, be it natural disasters or be it accidents. 

We are all human. Let us celebrate difference not attack it.

In my small world I am off for lunch with friends. A glass of wine, roast beef and good company. One day at a time.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.