Lost in the Rain.

The rain has been pouring down all morning. Cooler than of late but just as humid. I'm at a loss as to what to do today. 

That empty feeling that sometimes comes over me has struck after a poor sleep and too many dreams. 

This state will pass but does not feel good. Some emotion, any emotion should be better than this. Please let me feel something. 

Motivation is on the floor. So much so that I will not cook today. That's always a bit sign.

Odd really as I had an okay week. A few days in Kent. A trip to Canterbury. And a helpful conversation with occupational health. The upshot is I'm off for a bit longer. Unfortunately with nothing to do that is not good for any of us mentally. Having massively overspent two consecutive months going out isn't much of an option. And still the rain hammers down preventing even a walk.

Must improve tomorrow as a friend is coming for roast chicken for Sunday lunch.  That will I hope be fun. In the meantime I must while away the hours. Maybe some music and a book. Or maybe some TV.

Outside of my small world the world continues to go crazy with war, extreme weather, economic instability and all manner of pestilence. Why is man so destructive?

Tomorrow is another day.

I Heard a Voice. 

Sleep, Heat and Finding My Way

After a two week break on this sunny Sunday morning I'm back to speak. Those two weeks have been mixed. A heat wave, a plummet in mood, time in Cambridge and erratic sleep have all occurred. 

Exactly two months after going off long term sick from work I'm reflective, admiring and worried what is happening in my life. That said mentally I'm not where I was then. I've made progress but perhaps not enough. 

Having spoken to my new manager the week before last the advice was take more time. So tomorrow I will contact the GP surgery and extend my leave by another month. 

My occupational health appointment is this coming Wednesday and I'm hoping between the three of us we can devise a plan to return in mid August. 

Mainly I have switched off from work and the horrible work related dreams have abated. But what will I face when I get back I do not know. 

I must however live in the present. I have my books and my opera. A lively Test Series is very fought out by England and India. My kitchen draws me in too. I have my friends who in the main have been so kind. Others judged themselves by their silence.

There is a gammon joint in the oven roasting with potatoes. Carrots, tenderstem broccoli and runner beans will go with it. A little English mustard. I'm forgoing the wine, fancy driving out to a country for a pint after lunch. 

Stay safe, stay kind and keep looking after yourself and others.

I Heard a Voice. 

Broad Cloud Strewn Skies.

Greetings on a milder and less close Sunday morning. I'm at home listening to Madame Butterfly and have read another chapter in my book.

The week took me to the fens to stay with my friend Jayne. The huge, broad open skies were a sight to behold. Cloud strewn one day, wispy and thin clouds of the setting sun on Wednesday as we walked back through the fields from Girton. 

Poor sleep aside I'm doing well. On Tuesday afternoon I'm having a work call to plan my return. It will be occupational health decided. What will I face when I get back? From what I know not everything went smoothly in my absence. 

Tomorrow I am working on a plan to affect change in my life. That there has to be change has been clear for some time. My current struggles in many ways go back to the autumn. Looking further back though the shadow of Charlotte still hangs over me. The bewildering sense of what and why lingers. I do not always make good decisions on that front. In fact last week in the men's survivors group that aspect of life was very much to the fore.

Back to today though I'm going out to lunch with a friend Sabrina at The White Hart in Welwyn. Some of the best roast beef around these parts. She's picking me up at 12.30.

Time marches on in this hot, steamy summer. Going to be hotter tomorrow. 

Resplendent in the Country.

In the midst of a heatwave we celebrate solstice in England. What a glorious time at the moment. 

You find me at home on a beautiful Sunday morning listening to Mozart's Lucio Silla and reading my book. 

I spent part of last week in the Sussex countryside staying at a country house. Walks, sunshine and exquisite wine. Ross and I were at Selwyn together. Re-establishing our friendship after the lost years after my breakdown we chat a fair bit. His elder daughter is a very fine singer.

What a glorious couple of days it was. Actually able to relax.

Back in my more urban environment I was once again exposed to the selfishness of drivers, cyclists and pedestrians thus increasing my irritation and stress levels. 

But that is outside and I don't plan to go on the roads today. Cooking is what matters today. 

In our uncertain world with Trump widening the scope of the conflagration in the middle east last night; it is terrifying. I fear for the young. 

So I stick to my kitchen, my wine, my opera, and my books. Today there will be roast chicken with Jersey Royal potatoes, stuffing, carrots, runner beans and broccoli.  As it's English Wine Week a glass of splendid Chapel Down Bacchus. 

Please stay safe in this dangerous world.

I Heard a Voice. 

Curious Indifference.

On a sunny, mild Sunday morning you find me, as ever, listening to opera and reading. Puccini and Durrell. I would like to say I'm having a good morning but I'm hampered by flat mood, lethargic indifference and a curious emptiness. 

I've been like that the last two days. As the Middle East burns and India mourns my challenges are irrelevant but still have to be endured.

My step away from work has been extended by another month. I'm not where I was five weeks ago but not where I want to be. From what I can gather some are missing me, a hole of leadership those others have failed to fill.

The week takes me to Sussex for a couple of days. Although I went to school in Sussex it has been some years since I was down that way.

For today though it is ride out the indifference and look forward to a culinary adventure. Clams with garlic, parsley and white wine for lunch and lamb shank for dinner. 

In these troubled and dangerous times please look after yourselves. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Awaiting the Thunder.

On an overcast warmish afternoon we're expecting thunder and lightning. That said it's been very notable for its absence. 

In years gone by before I bought my flat I lived in dread of thunderstorms. Not because I fear thunder and lightning but because if the power went out I would lose the boiler and struggle to get it going again. The two flats had the same type of boiler which was absolutely useless. Now I have a reliable boiler and at least some of my anxiety has lifted.

In my life it remains a day to day existence. The feeling of being overwhelmed has dissipated somewhat in the day but the dreams go on. And with that fatigue is exasperated. 

I can do little about that but I'm not where I was four weeks ago. My absence has been remarked on by a lot of colleagues who seem to be missing me. That I felt un-needed, disrespected and generally diminished has been sapping away at my morale for months. Given my chronic core beliefs and self esteem it is a wonder I lasted this long.

Taking time away was desperately needed to re-set and re-evaluate. What I go back to I do not know. I'm staying deliberately in the dark. Staying offline helps a lot but at some point I need to get back on and work out a plan for the future both immediate and longer term.

During the day I walk, eat, shop before getting to my kitchen in the evening. I'm still cooking which is sign of resilience and healing. 

A number of people from many parts of my life have reached out. Overwhelmingly they talk of how I touched their lives. That my wisdom and healing have helped so many. What I'm trying to do now is apply that wisdom to my life. Slowly, ever so slowly for the first time I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and let healing light in. It's painful and humbling. But what is now clear is that people are acknowledging my demons, my pain and my vulnerability. Damage occurs when vulnerable but to heal we must go to that vulnerability and change the narrative. That's what I need help with. 

So on this Saturday afternoon the thunder still hasn't arrived, I'm home in safety and a Thai chang mei curry is on the menu. Paste is made, I need to chop the belly pork and dust it with turmeric before cooking. 

I Heard a Voice. 

In the Blink of an Eye.

On a quiet, sunny Sunday morning I'm home listening to Beethoven's cello sonatas and reminiscing. On what was, what is, and what might have been. 

That day three years ago was magical. That I would get together with Charlotte had never been my intention nor even in my thinking. Two troubled souls colliding. It could only end one way and that was in tears.

She put me through so much over the ensuing three years. Mainly for her absence but also by the broken promises and occasional demands to come up late at night when there were no trains and we both had work the next day.

I have no idea why she left. Just ghosting and then don't contact me. She has no idea what she has done. The turmoil unleashed. And the devastation that manifests itself in all aspects of my life.

There is nothing I can do but try to let go and move on.

Mentally I'm still struggling despite three weeks of work. I'm signed off until the 12th and certainly in need of more time than that.

Away from my little world I fear for the larger world. Looking back in the fifteen years I've been writing this blog there has been little stability but today seems darker than at any point in my life. Fear pervades all.

For now though I stick to my Beethoven and read. I do have friends coming for lunch but that is a way off. I'm up so early after yet more nightmares. 

Maybe see you all in the week. 

I Heard a Voice.