Somewhat Brighter Today.

A day on from my last post life looks literally and figuratively brighter. The sun has come out and mentally the empty paralysis has abated somewhat. Who knows what later or tomorrow brings.

At my flat Don Giovanni plays, shoulder of lamb roasts and I've been reading. 

Outside in the world life goes on oblivious to my personal challenges and demons. Mood disorders combined with severe anxiety tend to bring unsettled emotions. I want the buzzy times to come even if just for a short time.

That said even if I could switch on the mood it will probably bring more trouble than good. There were glimpses in midweek but the door was firmly slammed shut on my very difficult Friday. 

I have not see the need to increase my Risperidone for ages despite the nightmare induced overwhelm of a couple of weeks ago. Leave well alone for the time being. 

For now I focus on Sunday afternoon, savour the thought of Sunday lunch and go back to my reading. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Not a Successful Day.

Not much has gone right today. Everywhere I went there was traffic chaos, no parking and not much worth buying. Add in a flat and empty mood it does not feel good. Perhaps I should just write today off to experience. 

Prior to a flat Saturday the week was decidedly odd. There were moments of triumph including the accolade of compliment of the week. Downsides too though. Exactly three years in the job yesterday life seems to have reverted to those overwhelming days back then. 

Going forward I'm fearful. That I can't do everything is clear. But it's also clear that at times I can't rely on others. Not a healthy or positive place to be.

I've not seen a soul today. Do I go out and find someone to talk to? Or stay home and try to stay warm?

Not sure I have anything else to say today. Other than see you next time.

I Heard a Voice. 

They Came in the Night.

I smoked cigarettes for many years. In 2014 after a battle with whooping cough I gave up. People said "do you feel any better?" My answer was no change except the nightmares stopped. It had never crossed my mind that the toxic combination of chemicals in cigarettes was bringing on a nightly horror show. 

Last night they came back. Four horrific nightmares one after another destroyed my ability to function. And so I called in sick.

I feel tired, anxious and empty. Overwhelmed? No not really but I do not feel good. 

Other than to go out to a few bits, some cash and petrol I've done little all day. I don't plan on venturing out this afternoon. 

So what of the coming week? Get back to stability. Get back to work. And get back to being me.

Train strikes aside, yes they are striking again, I should be headed to Kent on Friday. See dad, go to an exhibition and catch up with friends. 

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice. 

One Day on a Long Journey

On this cold, grey autumnal day I'm listening to The Coronation Mass and reading. It is my wont to listen to music and read.

Today has not quite gone to plan. My lovely friend Krishna has cancelled on our lunch plans as she is unwell. My sleep was interrupted by poor dreams. And there is no sign of the sun.

Nonetheless though it marks a special day. On this day in 2013 I launched my second book Charon's Ferry in Kent. Many see it as a huge accolade that I wrote two books and eventually got published. Some see my books as life changing. To me they are just something I did a long time ago. 

Accolade or not that day also brought something unexpected. I made peace with my mum. Mum was most politely described as complex. Later years unravelled some of that. Still I talk of her in therapy. 

She died four months later. I'm so glad we made a kind of peace before she died.

Back now in present the last few weeks have been very difficult. Having a job, especially a management job, can be like that. But I will take it one day at a time, one task at a time. 

Roast beef awaits at The White Hart, there will be horseradish, roast potatoes, vegetables and wine.

Stay warm out there.

I Heard a Voice. 

A Voice in the Silence.

A long time ago I had no voice. I knew one day I would have to find a voice. And I was determined of that the day they locked me up behind metal doors and metal bars.

When my voice slowly came back it was an angry voice. No one wants to hear an angry voice. But I was surrounded by angry voices. With that somehow, somewhere, and at some time a voice had to emerge. 

I'm lucky enough to know a number of the great campaigners who found they voice before me. All are more famous than me. I'm a nobody outside my world. But my world is quite big.

People have read my books and been stunned. People have heard me speak and been inspired. People at their darkest moments have heard me and were struck by a tiny glimmer of hope.

There are words written and spoken. Words can be power. They can also be a vulnerability. 

Silent on here for weeks. A week ago I spoke out. And it hit home with immense power. Words can be misinterpreted. It was my angry voice I should never let out. And for that I feel ashamed. 

When one of the great campaigners recognised world wide says "you are our leader now" that is huge weight to carry. But I must step up yet perhaps in a more measured way.

I have a lot to change in my approach, the tasks up am set, and in using my voice more judiciously. 

I Heard a Voice.

Not Even a Goodbye?

A year ago I had a long, intense, emotive and intimate video call with someone very precious. She wanted to come up that night but it was late and we both had work in the morning. We parted with love and connection.

How did I know I'd never see her again? She was preparing to come soon. All I got was a "how are you" text a week later. After 7 months of silence she asked me to stop contacting her.

Losing people has been a recurrent theme in my life. I suppose it is in all our lives. But it is so desperately sad and painful. The defining moments of my life have been those departures. 

No one has ever given an explanation for it. They just go.

For someone like me who doubts everything, overthinks everything and has seen so much darkness it is but another hammer blow. And I've had many.

My friends are all very angry with her. Me less so. Friendships and relationships in the dark world of mental health are unstable, risky and end in tears.

Yet I've cried no tears. Nor had a breakdown as I did 33 years ago. Maybe I do actually have the resilience and courage that so many moniker me with. Just doesn't feel like it.

I see too much good in people and don't always sense their self absorption and selfishness. That is how I judge myself not others. 

In the twilight of another anniversary I will mourn. I will mourn for me not her. My friends do too. Saying goodbye is hard but not saying it scars. And seen enough scarring.

I Heard a Voice. 

September Sun.

Hello out there. It's been a couple of weeks since I came on here.

I'm alone in my flat listening to The Barber of Seville. A duck is roasting in the oven. The duck stock made from the giblets is cooling. And outside the September sun brings a warming hue.

My return to work last week was challenging to say the least. Whilst I cannot go into details on here what I will say is all decisions and plans have consequences and some of those are unseen. The next year is going to be tough. 

For all those challenges I am still me. I'm still cooking, reading, and listening to my opera.

I find out next week whether I will be able to continue with my course. Yes academic failure which until a couple of months ago was unknown in my adult life may scupper the whole thing. Now there would be a dilemma. 

Yet on this Sunday afternoon I'm not worried about that. Instead I will enjoy my cooking, my opera and my book. After lunch I will sit in the sunshine with a pint and take stock.

I Heard a Voice.