Up at Dawn.

There is no earthly reason why I should be up so early on a September morning but I am. Dreams, the bane of my life. But I did get to see the dawn.

You find me up listening to Mozart's Cosi fan Tutti and drinking coffee. It's hard to assess my mental state. Anxiety still hits hard most days. My appetite is poor. And I'm still struggling to remain asleep. 

In the week a bombshell landed in my lap. It is work related so can say little on here at this stage. But it involves change. Big change. What I must do is embrace that and thrive with it. All parties are optimistic it will allow me to focus on my strengths.

I'm speaking to occupational health on Tuesday and with luck go back the following week. 

Back at home I went on a road trip with some friends yesterday. In glorious sunshine we supped ale in the garden of The Brocket Arms. Set deep in the woods it dates from the 14th century. So nice to be somewhere different. 

On the culinary world there will be roast shoulder of lamb for lunch today. Going in the oven at 10.30 I aim to eat at 1.30.

Happy Sunday all.

I Heard a Voice. 

Autumnal Birthday.

Today I turned 56. With that birthday has come the chill of autumn. A long hot summer is all but over. The leaves are on the turn and nights creeping in. But I'm content.

Looking back on the last few months none of this seemed possible. Defeated, despairing and completely overwhelmed I withdrew from the world in mid May. Had I not it's possible a third admission might have happened. 

I'm proud to have stayed out of a psychiatric ward for 31 years. Yes it is that long. I never thought I'd go back after 2001. Yet I have come close twice in the last four years. 

The support and kindness from both friend and stranger still staggers me. People genuinely do care about me. Perhaps I should care more about me.

A rare gathering of our small family will take place today. Dad is on the train to London. Miriam and Nigel are driving down. We will lunch at The Waggoners. Always good there.

For one day only I will put aside the terrors of our incredibly unstable world. Just in my world today. 

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Jaded but Smiling.

Once again my Sunday morning is glorious in its opera and its literature. Idomeneo and Bitter Lemons of Cyprus. 

You find me today jaded but smiling. I travelled home from Kent on Thursday. A journey without incident although the Folkestone train was unusually packed.

Friday I spoke to my new manager. We have a plan to return. I will do a site visit on 4th then, assuming occupational health agree I will begin a phased return on 15th. I do want to go back but the prospect is not without fear and trepidation. 

That evening we all went to a wedding party. This held many fears for me, I'm not good at parties these days. But in the end it was great fun.

Tomorrow is a public holiday. I'm having lunch with someone I know who has just returned from the USA. Last time we met she was not in a good space. I hope the time away has been as healing to her as mine has to me.

Next Saturday I turn 56. Dad is coming up and Miriam and Nigel are coming down. Lunch at The Waggoners is booked. Hopefully see some friends in the evening. 

Thoughts have turned to lunch. Roast belly pork served with roast potatoes and fennel, some vegetables, gravy and I suspect a glass of Chianti. My friend Zoe is joining me for lunch. 

Enjoy the long weekend. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Shrieking Gulls.

Greetings all. I've escaped to the seaside. Salty air, brisk winds and shriek of the seagulls. How reassuring that all is. That world was part of my life for so long.

Since Monday I have been revisiting old haunts, catching up with friends, soaking in the sea air and reminding myself I needed to take that time away from work. 

Back in mid May I was overwhelmed, harassed, bullied, criticised and undermined. Almost defeated. But my long journey through the darkness of mental illness has given me a resilience many admire. Admire and respect. I think they now realise quite how important I was. Yes things did not go well without me. Yet the show must go on.

Tomorrow I will catch the train home. Payday and a wedding await on Friday. I don't find social events easy these days but I will be amongst friends. And besides weddings are not about me.

Next week brings Borough Market on Wednesday and I turn 56 on the Saturday. Yes Bernie Rosen, your predictions in 1994 were wildly wrong.

On 2nd September I hold court with the great and the good. The really important people. And I will shine.

Nearly 15 years after my first post on my Voices Did My Head In blog I'm still here, still writing, still speaking out and challenging the failing status quo.

I Heard a Voice. 

An Autocrat's Convention.

The world is a frightening place at the moment. Some hoped the age of authoritarian rule had passed. I fear they are wrong. With so much of the world consumed by the fire of war and the wild fires of climate change where do we stand in 2025? It feels like the edge of a precipice. 

I rarely make political comment online but the strong men meet, bluster, carve up and play God. The end result we do not yet know. Let us hope that peace comes, the people are respected and respecting. That feels a long way off at the moment. 

So what of my little world? After the blazing heat of recent days today is cooler, more overcast and gloomy. I'm home cooking ragu. My fridge is stocked, my coffee drunk and I feel okay. Not much anxiety, mood neutral and my love of cooking is being exercised.

I remain off work but am optimistic that I will return in mid September. A positive meeting with occupational health yesterday. The plan is to do a site visit with my new manager in early September then targeting the 15th to go back on a phased return. 

A train trip to the coast is planned for Monday. Spend a few days with dad, see friends and walk along the beach.

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Thunder to Come.

Hello out there! How are we all? There have been huge numbers of hits on my blog the last few months. So many from south America. Not sure I trust the hits are real. But I continue to write. 

After two very anxious days I'm much better today. Where it all comes from I do not know. 

I continue to go out though. Yesterday to St Albans. Sadly owing to what sounds like an awful virus going round two of my plans for this week fell through. 

Staying home has been a challenge. Whilst my time away has been very healing it has also been very boring and very expensive. 

I did venture out for an hour today. To The Farm Shop and the fish shop. There are sardines and king fish from the latter, lamb chops and beef mince from the former. 

The intense heat has dissipated but it remains very humid. Thunder will hit us later this afternoon. That might curtail things a little but I do need to get out when my cleaner is here.

Cricket is coming to the final phase of an exhilarating summer of Tests. Can England win or will India level things up?

At some point in the coming weeks I will go and see my dad. Get down to the sea. I miss it. I've been helping a friend who looking to move to the area. Helpful I hope being in the know. 

See you all soon. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Quiet Contemplation

The first day of the school holidays and the rains have come. Quiet day my end, just quiet contemplation on what was, what is, and what is to come.

In a way I'm bored of being off. Yesterday was pretty much of a write off. A day short of payday my options have been limited. My adventures have been healing but expensive. 

Things liven up from tomorrow onwards. Payday haircut and dinner tomorrow. Saturday Jess, Tuesday Sarah, Wednesday to St Albans to meet a colleague similarly off sick, and Thursday seeing Ruth and her son.

The road ahead is not clear. I need more information and reassurance before occupational health can accept a sustainable return. I will know more tomorrow lunchtime as I'm speaking to my new manager.

Meanwhile I will watch cricket. I will cook and I will work my way through the days.

I Heard a Voice.