What Do You Want?

Had I posted yesterday as I'd hoped you may have seen an angry rant. I was not in a good place and facing something I didn't want to do.

I could and maybe should have cancelled my plans. But I did follow them through and as with all things my anxiety touches it was better than I feared. 

Apparently it's inappropriate to talk about work on here so I can't tell you what happened. But in the stoney silence of the day I got stuck on the thought that people only contact me when they want something. 

Who do I want to be? Normality seems alien. To an extent I face the world alone. No partner, no family of my own. A lot of friends granted but there remains a deafening silence from the one person I want to be with. It's hard when people disappear from the face of the earth for months at a time. 

So on this cold Sunday morning once again I'm alone. I've got yet another cold, I'm tired because I couldn't sleep and my neck hurts.

Life will right itself. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. It just doesn't feel good to be me today.

I Heard a Voice.

The Harbour's Edge.

It's grey, wet and cold down at the coast. I've escaped to Kent to see a friend. Living just a stone's throw from the harbour. It was beautiful out there last night as I stood at the harbour edge at low tide. Not so inviting today. 

I'm pretty good. Fatigue aside the last vestiges of the flu have gone.

My working life remains incredibly busy but I'm thriving. Half term next week so mainly working from home.

Soon spring will come. Flowers, green leaves, Jersey Royal potatoes, English asparagus. A plethora of joys await us when it warms up.

We are now in the Christian lent season. A time of abstinence and prayer. Not for me, the culinary decadence goes on. Did some beautiful roast pork on Thursday. Have some rabbit in the freezer. 

Tomorrow I journey home. Not going to be easy at King's Cross is closed until Wednesday. Trains are so unreliable at times.

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Back to the Fens.

My association with the fenland of East Anglia goes way back to 1978. 46 years in September. Back then I had just turned 9 as I went to boarding school to join the most famous choir in the world. 

Occasionally I wonder what life might have been like had I not taken that path. Even today people erroneously say to me you were sent away at 9. I actually chose to do it.

That decision altered all our lives. We are who we are today partly because of it.

This weekend I've been back in the fens. Yesterday lunchtime I passed through my beloved Cambridge and on to Ely. 

Seeing Miriam and Nigel for my annual Super Bowl pilgrimage has been great. Wonderful home cooking yesterday. Epic Sunday lunch at The Prince Albert today followed by a lovely walk around Ely. And the sun shone on the fens.

Sometimes a change of scenery is needed. I've certainly done that this weekend. 

Tonight I will witness another Super Bowl. Tomorrow I travel home. And Tuesday I go back to reality.

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Recovering One Day at a Time

Greetings on a grey but mild Sunday afternoon. I'm slowly recovering from the flu. Really just a cough and immense fatigue left now. Was so tired last night I was in bed by 11.15 pm and slept for 11 hours. 

The last couple of weeks have been a sharp reminder that however life appears to be going we are all vulnerable to microbes. If I'm honest I have not been so sick since having whooping cough in 2014.

I'm reminded too that the human immune system is very powerful but takes time.

The week was mainly okay. Two more days of study, rushing around between sites. Trying to fit everything in. And speaking to the big boss late on Friday afternoon. 

As for the weekend a bus trip to St Albans yesterday. Lovely lunch but all the shops seem to have shut down so nothing worth buying. 

Today brings Haydn opera, my book and later roast chicken. 

Mentally I'm pretty good. Just have to shake off this fatigue. 

Viewing figures on here have been healthy but it seems much of that is bot activity in Singapore. Why any bot would be interested in my musings I have no idea.

Next weekend I'm off to Miriam's. Yes the Super Bowl coming up once again. 

Have good week. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Silence of the Death Rattle Cough.

On this non descript Saturday afternoon in late January I am contemplating what has happened in my life over the past two weeks. I have been sick, really sick.

For almost nine days I felt like death. Boxes of paracetamol were consumed, I froze, I sweated, I barely ate and at night time terrifying paranoid nightmares. 

Now the fever has broken, the dreams have dissipated and the sachets of paracetamol lie unopened. 

All that's left is utter exhaustion and the hack of a death rattle cough. Around me is silence. Not many reached out to me and my social media silence went largely un noticed.

Despite being so ill I should have retired to my bed and asked the doctor for a sick I carried on working for four days this week. Three solid days of online university. My fourth enrolment at a university in my lifetime. Then yesterday trying to play catch up. 

This weekend will come and go, I will improve and spring will keep marching towards us. Roll on the spring!

I Heard a Voice. 

Seasonal Flu.

On this dull Sunday afternoon I feel dreadful. Have done since Tuesday. Banging headache, backache, shivers, fever and sore throat. Add in insomnia and I'm not doing so great. 

I've only truly had flu twice in my life. This feels as bad, definitely worse than covid. Maybe it is flu once again. 

It's beginning to impact mentally too. Loneliness. Isolation. Insidious self doubt. Replaying the wrongs of recent years. Fear. The whole package is there. But will not let it defeat me. Too much at stake.

Staving off the sneezing I write to you whilst listening to Palestrina. One of the first recordings I did. Beautiful but fiendishly difficult to sing the Ave Maria mass is so renaissance Europe. 

The world outside continues to go mad as the conflagration in the Middle East spreads ever wider. People here are polarised. I do not know what to think other than to just focus on what I can control. 

I haven't been out since Friday barring getting paracetamol and takeaway. Somehow I have to be ready to start my fourth university course on Tuesday. This time at the University of East Anglia. Not my choice but will see how it goes. Currently it won't even let me into their system as it doesn't recognise the correct password. I've requested a reset but it has been sent to an email address I cannot access without said password. Not an auspicious start!

Back to today I have to log on to send some work emails, not good when sick, and tie up loose ends. Then I will cook roast lamb. 

Have a great Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Little Mozart.

Greetings on a cold January Sunday morning. I'm told it's set to get colder.

Home alone Mozart plays and I'm trying to stay warm. I feel very little today, neither manic nor depressed, neither anxious nor at peace. I just am today. 

The week was long but not without success. There were irritants of course but all jobs have those. I'm making progress one day at a time. 

Much of my surrounding cast have been struck by the latest in a whole series of overlapping cold and viruses. After myself being affected all through autumn I'm relieved that at the moment I am okay. 

As is my wont today will focus on my kitchen. A nectarine salad with feta will be my lunch. Roast beef tonight. I've finally used my tagine our team gave me for my birthday. Twice in fact with great success. Last night was lamb and apricot tagine. 

Later the Rams will play their wild card playoff game against the Lions in Detroit. Too late to watch live but I will watch the recording after work tomorrow. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice.