Today I do not know what to say. I need to say something but for once I cannot find the words.
When life patterns keep repeating it is hard not to turn it inward and look at oneself. Guilt and shame. I've battled those for years. Last year someone actually explained the difference in words I understood. Guilt is I made a mistake which I can do something about it even if it is only an apology. Shame is I am the mistake.
My feeling that I am the mistake, that I'm the mistake feels very strong. And it is very painful.
Letting people into our lives makes us vulnerable. Maybe that's why some seek solitude. In a lifetime littered with mistakes, self inflicted pain and rejection I might have learned from those mistakes. Yet still I make them and on days like today I enforce solitude despite the pain that causes.
I have long tried to avoid responding when I'm angry. But whilst I'm sticking to that I know I have to respond sooner or later. I just don't know when, how and what.
Life feels bleak today despite listening to Mozart, a table booked at The Waggoners and the Rams game later. Just get through one hour at a time.
I Heard a Voice.
No comments:
Post a Comment