Musing on a Sunday Morning.

Greetings on a sunny but cold Sunday morning from leafy Hertfordshire. The days are ticking away, Christmas is coming and the year nears its end. Much of this year has been brutal for me.

Who could have thought in mid December 2024 that I would be forced to take four months away from it all? Two of those who guided me and talked to me then have gone from my life. One of those who I guided cut ties a couple of weeks ago.

On this morning I muse on what was, on those important people who walked out of my life. In most cases I have no idea why. In those instances it's hard not to see fault in me and not their fears and own need. As someone said when Charlotte cut ties "that's a Charlotte thing not a you thing". All remain painful.

Yet as 2026 approaches the fog appears to be lifting and a path is emerging. That is my work. A new role beckons that those that sit above me think will harness my talents that they consider unique. Am I excited? Absolutely. Is it scary? Terrifying. Am I going in blind? Certainly. But they want me to be a pathfinder.

Daily life goes on in parallel to that. I have bad dreams. My sleep is erratic. My mood a rollercoaster. My anxiety a killer. But I have my music, my books and my kitchen. Belly pork is on the menu today. The Messiah plays. And my book will be opened shortly.

I am but one little person in a big scary world. Insubstantial and insignificant. But I am important to many. And they important to me.

I Heard a Voice.

A Sudden Plummet.

I awoke this morning after a horrible nightmare with my mood plummeting through the floor, exhaustion, no motivation and a sense of despair. No idea why this happened but the joys of having a mood disorder have once again struck me.

Days like this when it comes out of nowhere are extremely difficult. I've given up trying to make sense of it. There simply is no explanation or sense to it.

That I must ride it out is clear. But the isolation that has come with it is crippling. No one is picking up the phone. No one has made me angry which is my usual precursor to the depths of hell. Strangely I'm not feeling particularly anxious. I did have a setback in the week. Maybe that is the trigger.

I'm forcing myself to eat. I feel starving but I've no appetite or energy to do so. Not wanting to cook or prepare food is never a good sign for me.

Two weeks today I will be in Kent. Yes Christmas is not far off. Let us hope that brings some joy. Be good to see my dad, it's been a while.

I will write today off and hope tomorrow is better.

I Heard a Voice.

Miserable Out.

The day after a beautiful Advent Sunday it is miserable out. Wet, cold, dark and windy. Definitely a day to stay indoors. Sadly I had to go out twice and experience early winter treachery.

My working day is done. Not sure how productive it was and in parts raised more questions than answers. What I do know is that Thursday next week will be the most intense and meeting heavy days since my return in mid September.

As this blog is dedicated to mental health and food perhaps an update is due. Mood is non descript, kind of zero on my old scale, neither up nor down. Some days anxiety overwhelms me. A friend asked me about voice hearing on Saturday. The truth is it has only happened once since starting Risperidone in September 2001.

The culinary adventures continue. I celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday with roast turkey and cranberry sauce. On Saturday a beef curry from Cambodia. Quite spicy and delicious. Sunday lunch was roast lamb with mint sauce. That too was very good.

My Christmas holidays starts at 5 pm on 19th. I travel to Kent on 20th. Decadence will ensue.

Have a good week everybody.

I Heard a Voice.