Flat Mood, Zero Motivation.

One of the less talked about aspects of living with a mood disorder that encompasses depression is the impact on motivation. Low mood is talked of. Changes in appetite. Accompanying anxiety. Today my mood is flat and I have zero motivation. 

I woke up very late after ten hours of sleep. The terrible anxiety of recent days has lifted a little. The two day headache gone. Getting out of bed took supreme effort. Coffee a mountain to climb. Cooking lunch, beyond me. So today I'm stuck. 

The instability in my life goes on. At least home is stable. But that in itself is not enough. Some remain distant from me. Important people. Work is tough and even two days away has not made it easier. 

Next week is half term. Work from home and get some study done. I have a meeting with UEA on Wednesday. As things stand I'm not going to pass. After all the hours and all the effort it feels disconcerting that the prize is beyond my reach. 

But today I just have to get through today. That will take supreme effort. Yes it's that tough. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Cold, Tired and Overwhelmed.

They came back in the early hours of this morning. The nightmares. I'm actually surprised given the last few months that they didn't return before. 

I woke on edge, overwhelmed and frightened. Add another cold and grey day and I lasted all of 10 minutes before ending my working day.

The anxiety has abated somewhat. I managed to shop for food, make lunch and wash up and do the washing. On such a tough day that is enough. 

My outlook remains bleak, my mood is only just hanging on but until today I had held my own.

What happens next I don't know. I will face each day as best I can. Spring will come. Change will come. And I will pick up. Just seems a way to go until then.

So yet another cold and grey day I wish you. I want to hibernate but I won't. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Mass of Contradictions.

On a bitterly cold Sunday morning with an icy hue across field and road you find me listening to Purcell. 

Life remains tense but just getting through one day at a time and one task at a time.

What makes it tough at the moment is those tasks change sometimes on an hourly basis and some are contradictory. Set me a target and I will strive to hit it. Make the target move I can get lost.

The world of mental health requires adaptability, patience and flexibility. I have survived more than two decades working and more than three decades living in that world. 

Life is hard going but I have my opera, my books, my kitchen, my food, and my wine. That helps. 

Talking of books I have just finished re-reading A Pillar of Impotence. Twenty years after completing the manuscript it remains a powerful but flawed narrative of what was. I was moved by the story more now than in 2013 when I last read it.

So on this beautiful sunny Sunday I will leave you. Have a good day.

I Heard a Voice.