Bitter Cold but a Calm Mind.

A bitter cold has come across our land today. The icy greyness of recent days goes on.

I'm home in the warm listening to Mozart's Great Mass and about to read some more of my first book A Pillar of Impotence. Revisiting it 14 years after publication and 11 years since I last read it the brutal power of narrative remains. It's painful to read and remember but it stands as testament to a story of survival. 

After another difficult week it was good to get to the weekend. My friend Marie is here. She's just having a sleep after a big lunch. Waking late we went to Gareth's butcher then on to lunch at The Horns at Bull's Green. 

I got some marvellous produce. There will be roast topside of beef tomorrow. I have a jointed wild rabbit from a local country estate. And neck fillet of lamb. The rabbit and lamb are rarely available so buy when around. 

My conversations with an old friend who got in touch just before Christmas continue. We sang together around 35 years ago.

Tomorrow evening the Los Angeles Rams will march into Philadelphia to battle the Eagles in the divisional round of the NFL playoffs. Given the Rams dominance a week ago they will be feared.

Next week the world will change. Mr Trump will enter The White House for the second time and none of us really know what he will do. Will the world be more or less settled? Time will tell. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Colours on the Snowy Linen Land.

A frost, icy sheen has carpeted our land for days. It's freezing. But beautiful. The crunch under foot on the grass. The slippery pavement. And a cold that is bitter. 

The last week has been perhaps the most volatile I have ever had mentally. Hypomania, lows, rapid cycling, despair, rage, eruptions of anger, hopelessness, fear, paranoia. It's been tough. 

In truth I haven't been calm for more than a month. Until yesterday. 

Add in two events beyond my control and one can see why I struggled. My fear and distrust of dogs in widely known. So being attacked by my neighbour's dog as I opened the front door of the block of flats blew me away. This triggered an eruption of anger that scared the shit out of two friends. Then getting a call from the GP  surgery saying they are stopping my trimipramine absolutely threw me. I was in trouble. 

Yet yesterday I woke calm. My mood was neither up nor down. There was no fear, no anxiety, no paranoia. Just being. That is an unusual state for me. 

Despite very difficult dreams I am still calm today. I'm listening to Turandot. There is a half shoulder of lamb in the oven studded with garlic and rosemary. I'm making a conscious decision to drink less. Adding my passion for wine to a vulnerable and volatile mind made things worse. 

Will I go out into the snowy linen land and bring some colour? I don't know yet. What I do know is that I feel okay today in just being. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Melting Away With the Snow.

I've been home for just over a week. I've achieved very little in that time. Tomorrow I must return to work. 

Throughout my two week break work has never been far from my thoughts. And those thoughts have been filled with anxiety. God I hate anxiety. It cripples me at times, saps my energy and eats away at my self confidence. 

Am I where I was two years ago when I stared into the gates of hell? No but it has been really hard going. And very lonely. 

Yesterday two different people asked if I needed to increase my medication. I hadn't thought of that. Given how much it wipes me out when I do I will try to avoid that.

On this Sunday morning as the overnight snow melts the anxiety has dissipated a little. No intrusive anxious dreams waking me as has happened previously. That's a relief. 

When I have summoned the motivation and energy to get out of the slump I have been re-reading "A Pillar of Impotence". Alongside me a woman from my past is reading too. Twenty years after completing the manuscript and fourteen years since the publication of the paperback I'm getting an amazing commentary on what I wrote.

All seems a long time ago now.

I Heard a Voice.

New Year, New Plan?

Greetings on a miserable day here in Hertfordshire. Rain, wind but no floods here. 2025 has started on a damp note.

I got home on Saturday. I continue to struggle to switch off from work despite not going back until next week. There is a need for change and a new plan. 

The holiday hasn't been without good news. My friend Merit had a baby. And a woman from the past has come back into my life after 34 years. We have both been on a difficult journeys but I'm glad she's back in my life.

I had hoped to visit Jess this week but she is unwell. I have been lucky this autumn and winter, only caught one cold so far.

The party at The Hedgehog was pretty wild last night. I was home by 12.30 am, I don't cope so well with parties these days.

Happy New Year to you all.

I Heard a Voice.