A Joyous Easter to All!

Happy Easter all! Whatever Faith, whatever creed I wish you all a joyous day as Christians all over the world celebrate this Holiest of days.

I walked away from religion years ago but I enjoy festivals of all Faiths and the music that goes in the Christian Faith. Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter day.

In times past I sang over Easter in Cambridge as a child and in many of the great cathedrals of Europe more recently. I may have paid a price for singing but there are many great memories. 

In my world I am unwinding after a relentless term. Yes I'm on holiday until a week tomorrow. 

Mentally all is well at the moment. Late winter and early spring have brought some darkness and fear but today I'm good. 

I'm listening to Madame Butterfly and cooking roast turkey breast with sage and thyme wrapped in bacon. A smoked salmon starter with English fizz. Two friends will be joining me. English Bacchus to accompany the turkey. Just wish we could see the sun, it's freezing here.

My week off will include a trip to Borough Market. Might even go to Cambridge for a day. I have therapy on Thursday. 

As the world continues on its self destruction remember today is a day of peace. It will be in my small flat in a small town north of London. Happy Easter. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Three Decades and Three Weeks

It is three weeks since I last came on here to write my thoughts to an empty and silent world. I've had things to say but no time to say them.

If you're a regular reader, not many left after fourteen years of writing, you will recall how hard I find anniversaries. This weekend marked three.

Two years ago yesterday an important person walked away from my life. Two years ago another important person started the process of leaving me too. And today marks thirty years since my second and final admission to a psychiatric ward.

Words cannot describe what that feels like. I tried and failed to convey the horror in A Pillar of Impotence. Put simply you wear that badge or you don't. 

Almost everyone from that place is dead. A few years ago a survivor got in touch because she stumbled across this blog. She's disappeared again. I'm left alone with those memories. 

Today I feel flat and lonely despite having a visitor. I seek merely to get through the day. 

Mozart plays and I'm silent with my thoughts. 

Tomorrow life goes on, today is to be endured.

I Heard a Voice. 

What Do You Want?

Had I posted yesterday as I'd hoped you may have seen an angry rant. I was not in a good place and facing something I didn't want to do.

I could and maybe should have cancelled my plans. But I did follow them through and as with all things my anxiety touches it was better than I feared. 

Apparently it's inappropriate to talk about work on here so I can't tell you what happened. But in the stoney silence of the day I got stuck on the thought that people only contact me when they want something. 

Who do I want to be? Normality seems alien. To an extent I face the world alone. No partner, no family of my own. A lot of friends granted but there remains a deafening silence from the one person I want to be with. It's hard when people disappear from the face of the earth for months at a time. 

So on this cold Sunday morning once again I'm alone. I've got yet another cold, I'm tired because I couldn't sleep and my neck hurts.

Life will right itself. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. It just doesn't feel good to be me today.

I Heard a Voice.