Is My Life a Delusion?

A chilled glass of Albarino lies by my side, Maria Callas is singing Verdi, the sun is fading behind the clouds and I am here once again to talk to the unknown people who humour me by reading my thoughts. By my reckoning this will be my 1103rd post on here. Sometimes I have thoughts that I must stop. After all what does it achieve? I feel good for a short while. Then the guilt and self loathing start. Am I being unprofessional? Self indulgent? Arrogant? Miserable? Negative? All manner of self berating. In truth some say they find my writing helpful, uplifting and inspirational.

Hearing such comments when taken in the context of my psychiatric career is wonderful but dread inducing. Having been effectively told my entire life had been a delusion at the age of 23 and a narcissist that is a pretty destructive thing to live with. Yet the praise and thanks that my thoughts and works sometimes elicit still come sometimes. And I dismiss it. Can't get too carried away. My friend Jayne whose friendship and love I care deeply about walked out of my life for four years because I had become so self absorbed that I had forgotten to care for and love her back.

The question that engulfs me sometimes is do I give too much? And do I take too much? Can one do both? Is it okay to do both? How do I find a balance? I don't know.

Maybe you can tell it was a therapy day? That is true and it was interesting. But after I had to go to work and the slow and seems deliberate destruction of what I have done and how I've done it goes on. How do I deal with that also being brought into question? Can a process replace and instinct? The reason I'm good at what I do is I have very sharp instincts. And those instincts were learned the hard way.

So on another opera night as summer wanes it is becoming clearer that I must leave this course. But I don't know how. Some might pray. Some might go into therapy. And some might just keel over and be resigned their fate. I feel resigned to my fate tonight.

All is not lost though. Francois and Bronwen are hosting a cheese and wine night in The Hedgehog. Sarah is coming. Sadly Jo cancelled as her mum is unwell. I must strive to enjoy it.

Tomorrow takes me to London to meet a school friend I've not seen in a decade. Much to catch up on and fine food. Let it be a good day.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Ros thinking of you and Milly for results tomorrow!