A Kentish Sunday.

And so to rest after a brutal couple of months. My emotions are raw, my stress high and anxiety for the future prominent. Will it ever get any easier?

I fought through the traffic, the speed restrictions and the rain to make it to the Kent coast yesterday. Dad had forgotten I was coming. 

This morning brought sunshine but high winds. I woke very late so I'm behind. There is leg of pork in the oven roasting. I'm struggling with the crackling but hopefully some at least will come out.

Dad is at church as I write. I'm here for a week, very much needed. 

I'm not depressed and my anxiety not overwhelming but I do need to switch off. 

Reviewing 2024 there has been illness, loss, death, long dormant memories of the past awakened, brilliance, despair, joy and sadness. Such is the human state. I am flawed but I am a survivor. I am weak but I will fight. Hardest of all is to recall that I am loved. I must live with that. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Til Death Do Us Part.

The month of November marked the deaths of six people known to me. All were older people so not exactly unexpected. Yet two deaths stood out. Two men whose careers went side by side, one as head, one as deputy for more than four decades.

They were buried on consecutive days last week. One was widely publicised, well attended and happy memories. I attended. The other with no publicity was buried the day before. One I mourn. The other I do not.

Me sense is that it will not be long before light is shed on a dark place. Speaking to an incumbent in the present day at the wake I remarked that there wasn't much safeguarding in those days to which she responded I know. 

Us survivors glory in an arrogant and storied past but how many are still fighting their demons 45 years later? I still do sometimes. 

Away from that my daily work and existence remains difficult at times. But I guess that comes with the territory of what I do and where I do it. No institution is without its faults and challenges. 

Christmas is but ten days away. I need the break. In the meantime I listen to Mozart and contemplate lunch at The Waggoners shortly. 

I Heard a Voice. 

They Died With no Apology.

This time yesterday life was going quite well. Much to my surprise I passed my video supervision submission for my university course. I'd done good. I was stable. And it was nearly Friday. 

Then, late last night, a cataclysmic event tore through my psyche. Anger, pain, joy, hate, guilt and relief exploded in my mind and fought for control. 

Another death. There have been six this month. But this one was a severing of the past. The veiled, secret past I've alluded to before on here but never revealed. The world will shake when the veil is lifted. And I think it will soon be lifted.

The power players of that world are now all dead. And none died acknowledging their guilt. None offered an apology. And died ignoring the guilt of their actions. 

Is a purveyor, a provider, an enabler guiltier than an actual abuser? Ignoring the truth because someone wants to live the illusion. 

The man who died was a charlatan. Another hanger on from those days. Exploitation of children for an idea, a tradition and a delusion is a heinous act.

Will I reveal the secrets? Not today. I will only provide hints. Veiled hints. It is for others to rent asunder that insidious veil. And it will be rent asunder. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Stormy Skies.

You find me on a cold, wet and windy Saturday afternoon at home. The storm that has brought chaos to many parts of the country has in the main spared us here in Hertfordshire but it is not inviting out.

My friend Marie is visiting. We are dining well, Vietnamese pork meatballs with a spicy sweet and sour peanut sauce last night. French fish soup today. There will be Sri Lankan prawn curry tonight and roast chicken tomorrow. 

What to say of this week? Or what can I safely say with all the attention I'm attracting? There are people watching for any false moves. I need to be wary.

But in the world of mental health that is not my way. If I am silent who else will speak? And on Wednesday I spoke. An interview was published of me talking on the theme of mental health and work. On that I'm something of an expert.

Calling out errors, ignorance and inequality is vital to promote disability rights. The cause is greater than me and greater than those hearing things they don't want to hear.

My next shout out will be on Tuesday where I will be on an online panel talking about men's mental health. Again, someone has to do it. Men need a voice where they are ashamed into silence.

One of the reasons I get in trouble is because I try to call out the truth. The Jungian Shadow, I light it up to challenge and to educate. That sometimes makes me a target on both sides of the fence.

Stay safe on this stormy day!

I Heard a Voice. 

Somewhat Brighter Today.

A day on from my last post life looks literally and figuratively brighter. The sun has come out and mentally the empty paralysis has abated somewhat. Who knows what later or tomorrow brings.

At my flat Don Giovanni plays, shoulder of lamb roasts and I've been reading. 

Outside in the world life goes on oblivious to my personal challenges and demons. Mood disorders combined with severe anxiety tend to bring unsettled emotions. I want the buzzy times to come even if just for a short time.

That said even if I could switch on the mood it will probably bring more trouble than good. There were glimpses in midweek but the door was firmly slammed shut on my very difficult Friday. 

I have not see the need to increase my Risperidone for ages despite the nightmare induced overwhelm of a couple of weeks ago. Leave well alone for the time being. 

For now I focus on Sunday afternoon, savour the thought of Sunday lunch and go back to my reading. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Not a Successful Day.

Not much has gone right today. Everywhere I went there was traffic chaos, no parking and not much worth buying. Add in a flat and empty mood it does not feel good. Perhaps I should just write today off to experience. 

Prior to a flat Saturday the week was decidedly odd. There were moments of triumph including the accolade of compliment of the week. Downsides too though. Exactly three years in the job yesterday life seems to have reverted to those overwhelming days back then. 

Going forward I'm fearful. That I can't do everything is clear. But it's also clear that at times I can't rely on others. Not a healthy or positive place to be.

I've not seen a soul today. Do I go out and find someone to talk to? Or stay home and try to stay warm?

Not sure I have anything else to say today. Other than see you next time.

I Heard a Voice. 

They Came in the Night.

I smoked cigarettes for many years. In 2014 after a battle with whooping cough I gave up. People said "do you feel any better?" My answer was no change except the nightmares stopped. It had never crossed my mind that the toxic combination of chemicals in cigarettes was bringing on a nightly horror show. 

Last night they came back. Four horrific nightmares one after another destroyed my ability to function. And so I called in sick.

I feel tired, anxious and empty. Overwhelmed? No not really but I do not feel good. 

Other than to go out to a few bits, some cash and petrol I've done little all day. I don't plan on venturing out this afternoon. 

So what of the coming week? Get back to stability. Get back to work. And get back to being me.

Train strikes aside, yes they are striking again, I should be headed to Kent on Friday. See dad, go to an exhibition and catch up with friends. 

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.