Unexpected Obstacles.

On a beautiful but cold Sunday morning I'm to be found at home listening to The Marriage of Figaro. About to start reading a new book. And a half shoulder of lamb prepared for the oven.

But not all is well. My Monday had to be re-arranged due to some IT update that I didn't understand. IT may be easy for some people but not for me. Might be more helpful to explain to an idiot rather than patronise as if I am an idiot.

With no working phone or laptop to guide me to a place I haven't visited for more than six years a friend had kindly offered to pick me up and drive.

Sunday morning that plan is in tatters as it now transpires I have occupational health tomorrow which clashes. So had to postpone IT via my manager. God knows how I'll get there another day as my friend is busy next week.

Yet it doesn't stop there. Horrific nightmares drove me out of bed early on the day I get an extra hour in bed. Split contact lense, anxiety, and generally nothing has gone right today.

Let us hope the roast lamb rescues the day. My friends Adam and Mel are coming over. Roast lamb, roast potatoes and carrots, sprouts, cavalo nero and cauliflower, gravy, mint sauce and a bottle of Chianti.

I Heard a Voice.

The Narrative of Hate.

On this sunny but blustery Sunday lunchtime I'm home listening to The Magic Flute and trying not to be overwhelmed by a world that seems filled with hate. Attacks on mosques and synagogues, cheap hotels, random people in the street for being different and the violence of gangs.

Who is peddling this hate? It feels like too many people. Add in all out war in eastern Europe and parts of the middle east. I'm loathe to make political statements or choose sides but a lot of people are very frightened. 

Living in fear is part of my life. Not fear of being attacked. My mum used to worry about me going out at night. Yet I usually feel safe. The exception being that terrible affliction of cocaine, testosterone and alcohol that pervades so many of our pubs. My fear is more of the ordinary, the every day and of getting out of bed each morning. 

Is one fear more legitimate than another? I don't fear walking the streets as so many in the Jewish community do after the attack in Manchester. Other communities too fear. I'm not in a target group parlayed but those full of hate. Being non white in my country must feel very threatening in these dark and uncertain days.

As a humanitarian I reach out to people of all creeds, faiths and cultures when the time is right. That might be war, be it group targeted violence, be it natural disasters or be it accidents. 

We are all human. Let us celebrate difference not attack it.

In my small world I am off for lunch with friends. A glass of wine, roast beef and good company. One day at a time.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice. 

Edgy Days of Autumn.

On a grey and cold Sunday of autumn I'm very much on edge. Plagued for years by bad dreams things did improve when I stopped smoking in 2014. This morning they took their vengeance. Four one after another took a big toll and drove me out of bed. I haven't settled yet.

Mentally I've struggled since Friday. Another anniversary to get through and I didn't cope well. In fact I haven't coped well in the last few days.

I've attracted many psychiatric labels over the years few of which were helpful and some downright hurtful and damaging. The word anxiety was first written down in my notes in 2018. It was not revealed to me until 2022. That is 32 years after my illness began in this form. Why did it take so long?

That I've always been anxious has been noticed by some over the years. It fits given how I struggle with small everyday things. Nothing is done without fear in my world. 

In May though an explanation of sorts came to light. The word trauma was used for the first time by a mental health professional. That is potentially game changing. Not only that but her deliberation said not 35 years but 55. Yes, a lifetime. 

I will not get any more light on that revelation until next year. Yes the waiting list is that long. But I'm prepared to be patient. 

In the meantime I focus on my slow return to work. My music. My books. And my cooking. On a difficult day I'm doing the last three. Mozart plays, a rolled breast of turkey with sage and thyme wrapped in bacon is in the oven, and my book is beside me. Simple pleasures on a challenging day. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Leap of Faith.

Sunday morning once again. Opera plays, my book is beside me and I have a rib of beef to cook for my lunch. 

I'm not sure why I haven't posted for a while. There's certainly been a lot going on. Last week I took a leap of faith and began my phased return to work. A mixed experience to be honest but I stuck to it.

The wider world seems also to be taking a leap of faith into right wing politics. And that it seems includes assassination. I must admit I'd never heard of Charlie Kirk. From what I have heard I'm not sure I would have liked his views. But to be shot is not an answer. 

In my country there are St George's flags everywhere and a huge rally took place last weekend. Reports conflict wildly on how many were there and what the atmosphere was like. Having once got caught up in an EDL march the potential is there for risk.

From a democratic perspective the lurch to the right is obvious. Sadly the last time a surge to the right happened in Europe carnage and genocide ensued.

That genocide is abroad once again is terrifying. A friend said recently "I'm not on anyone's side I just wish people would stop killing each other".

The world scares me in ways I've not experienced before. We must take care.

I Heard a Voice. 

Up at Dawn.

There is no earthly reason why I should be up so early on a September morning but I am. Dreams, the bane of my life. But I did get to see the dawn.

You find me up listening to Mozart's Cosi fan Tutti and drinking coffee. It's hard to assess my mental state. Anxiety still hits hard most days. My appetite is poor. And I'm still struggling to remain asleep. 

In the week a bombshell landed in my lap. It is work related so can say little on here at this stage. But it involves change. Big change. What I must do is embrace that and thrive with it. All parties are optimistic it will allow me to focus on my strengths.

I'm speaking to occupational health on Tuesday and with luck go back the following week. 

Back at home I went on a road trip with some friends yesterday. In glorious sunshine we supped ale in the garden of The Brocket Arms. Set deep in the woods it dates from the 14th century. So nice to be somewhere different. 

On the culinary world there will be roast shoulder of lamb for lunch today. Going in the oven at 10.30 I aim to eat at 1.30.

Happy Sunday all.

I Heard a Voice. 

Autumnal Birthday.

Today I turned 56. With that birthday has come the chill of autumn. A long hot summer is all but over. The leaves are on the turn and nights creeping in. But I'm content.

Looking back on the last few months none of this seemed possible. Defeated, despairing and completely overwhelmed I withdrew from the world in mid May. Had I not it's possible a third admission might have happened. 

I'm proud to have stayed out of a psychiatric ward for 31 years. Yes it is that long. I never thought I'd go back after 2001. Yet I have come close twice in the last four years. 

The support and kindness from both friend and stranger still staggers me. People genuinely do care about me. Perhaps I should care more about me.

A rare gathering of our small family will take place today. Dad is on the train to London. Miriam and Nigel are driving down. We will lunch at The Waggoners. Always good there.

For one day only I will put aside the terrors of our incredibly unstable world. Just in my world today. 

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Jaded but Smiling.

Once again my Sunday morning is glorious in its opera and its literature. Idomeneo and Bitter Lemons of Cyprus. 

You find me today jaded but smiling. I travelled home from Kent on Thursday. A journey without incident although the Folkestone train was unusually packed.

Friday I spoke to my new manager. We have a plan to return. I will do a site visit on 4th then, assuming occupational health agree I will begin a phased return on 15th. I do want to go back but the prospect is not without fear and trepidation. 

That evening we all went to a wedding party. This held many fears for me, I'm not good at parties these days. But in the end it was great fun.

Tomorrow is a public holiday. I'm having lunch with someone I know who has just returned from the USA. Last time we met she was not in a good space. I hope the time away has been as healing to her as mine has to me.

Next Saturday I turn 56. Dad is coming up and Miriam and Nigel are coming down. Lunch at The Waggoners is booked. Hopefully see some friends in the evening. 

Thoughts have turned to lunch. Roast belly pork served with roast potatoes and fennel, some vegetables, gravy and I suspect a glass of Chianti. My friend Zoe is joining me for lunch. 

Enjoy the long weekend. 

I Heard a Voice.