A Voice in the Silence.

A long time ago I had no voice. I knew one day I would have to find a voice. And I was determined of that the day they locked me up behind metal doors and metal bars.

When my voice slowly came back it was an angry voice. No one wants to hear an angry voice. But I was surrounded by angry voices. With that somehow, somewhere, and at some time a voice had to emerge. 

I'm lucky enough to know a number of the great campaigners who found they voice before me. All are more famous than me. I'm a nobody outside my world. But my world is quite big.

People have read my books and been stunned. People have heard me speak and been inspired. People at their darkest moments have heard me and were struck by a tiny glimmer of hope.

There are words written and spoken. Words can be power. They can also be a vulnerability. 

Silent on here for weeks. A week ago I spoke out. And it hit home with immense power. Words can be misinterpreted. It was my angry voice I should never let out. And for that I feel ashamed. 

When one of the great campaigners recognised world wide says "you are our leader now" that is huge weight to carry. But I must step up yet perhaps in a more measured way.

I have a lot to change in my approach, the tasks up am set, and in using my voice more judiciously. 

I Heard a Voice.

Not Even a Goodbye?

A year ago I had a long, intense, emotive and intimate video call with someone very precious. She wanted to come up that night but it was late and we both had work in the morning. We parted with love and connection.

How did I know I'd never see her again? She was preparing to come soon. All I got was a "how are you" text a week later. After 7 months of silence she asked me to stop contacting her.

Losing people has been a recurrent theme in my life. I suppose it is in all our lives. But it is so desperately sad and painful. The defining moments of my life have been those departures. 

No one has ever given an explanation for it. They just go.

For someone like me who doubts everything, overthinks everything and has seen so much darkness it is but another hammer blow. And I've had many.

My friends are all very angry with her. Me less so. Friendships and relationships in the dark world of mental health are unstable, risky and end in tears.

Yet I've cried no tears. Nor had a breakdown as I did 33 years ago. Maybe I do actually have the resilience and courage that so many moniker me with. Just doesn't feel like it.

I see too much good in people and don't always sense their self absorption and selfishness. That is how I judge myself not others. 

In the twilight of another anniversary I will mourn. I will mourn for me not her. My friends do too. Saying goodbye is hard but not saying it scars. And seen enough scarring.

I Heard a Voice. 

September Sun.

Hello out there. It's been a couple of weeks since I came on here.

I'm alone in my flat listening to The Barber of Seville. A duck is roasting in the oven. The duck stock made from the giblets is cooling. And outside the September sun brings a warming hue.

My return to work last week was challenging to say the least. Whilst I cannot go into details on here what I will say is all decisions and plans have consequences and some of those are unseen. The next year is going to be tough. 

For all those challenges I am still me. I'm still cooking, reading, and listening to my opera.

I find out next week whether I will be able to continue with my course. Yes academic failure which until a couple of months ago was unknown in my adult life may scupper the whole thing. Now there would be a dilemma. 

Yet on this Sunday afternoon I'm not worried about that. Instead I will enjoy my cooking, my opera and my book. After lunch I will sit in the sunshine with a pint and take stock.

I Heard a Voice. 

Holiday Time, Borough Market Awaits!

Greetings as the sun burns off the cloud on what will be a hot day. This is my first post from my laptop that I got through DSA. I'm on my holidays! Certainly well needed.

Having smashed it out of the park with my team last week mania was hovering. Lack of sleep though has calmed things down somewhat. Calm equilibrium has returned.

So what of my adventures? Yesterday I went to St Albans. Lunch at Little Marrakesh, I ate sardine charmoula and drank Casablanca beer. A nice wander and bought some rugby shirts. Sadly my two chosen pub options did not materialise as The Boot was closed for renovation and The White Swan only had strong beer and I tend to avoid that.

Waking early once again today I'm preparing to go to Borough Market. Not been since Easter. Meeting Laura, Emma and Beka for lunch at Brindisa, some shopping and a pub. The sun will shine and we will make merry. Tomorrow brings dinner with Sarah at The Neem Tree and Friday I turn 55. Miriam and Nigel are taking me out to lunch at The Waggoners.

On Saturday I travel to the seaside. Back in Kent for a few days no doubt I will eat and drink too much. But I will see dad and various friends. Traveling home on Tuesday I have no plans after that for the rest of my two week holiday.

Catch you all then.

I Heard a Voice.

Ragu on a Wet Saturday.

Summer has deserted us today. Been pouring down since I got up. Stupidly early in fact, couldn't sleep. Been to Oaklands, Welwyn Garden City and Hatfield by 11.30 am.

As I write there is a hint of coming mania. The tiredness is keeping a brake on things for the time being. But all the stars are coming into line. I've spent a lot but that's okay, I got paid yesterday. 

To say our team triumphed yesterday is an understatement, we blew it away with our camp. With VIPs visiting yesterday my knowledge, experience and incessant talking about mental health has got us and me on the map. One visitor said it was the highlight of her week. Another that I was inspirational. The upshot is I may soon be talking to people in exalted places. 

Little me with my story of tragedy, trauma, loss, heart break, breakdown, fighting back and surviving has brought rave reviews. Actually the credit really lies with our amazing team. 

See now why the mood is up, the spending rampant and the positivity on a cold, wet and miserable day?

I bought lovely things. Now my culinary adventures are under with ragu. I will save that for the week. Tonight there will be Vietnamese pork meatballs with a spicy peanut sauce. Tomorrow roast turkey. And Monday slow roast belly pork with fennel seeds and garlic. 

My holiday is underway and it will be glorious. Back in sunny Kent next weekend. Before then I turn 55. A long journey. 

I Heard a Voice. 

The Chill of Autumn.

Greetings on this Sunday morning. Although we are still in sunny August the chill of autumn is with us. Soon the leaves will turn and fall. The conkers will be strewn across our land. And game will adorn by table. 

Life has been quite tricky since my last post. Work has brought up a series of unexpected obstacles. But we're working our way through. 

Away from there I'm mainly doing okay. My friends James and Charlie are visiting this weekend. An eating and drinking bonanza of decadence. I'll have lunch with them at 1 pm before they head to their respective homes.

Just one week lies between me and my needed summer holiday. I haven't had a week off since Easter. In less than two weeks my birthday will occur. Lunch with Miriam and Nigel then a few beers in the pub. 

Enjoy the rest of the weekend. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Roast pork, Handel and my Book.

Greetings on a milder and overcast day. I woke late and spent a gentle morning cooking roast pork, listening to opera and reading my book. 

Not quite sure how I feel today. I'm certainly not low but no sign of mania. Kinda nothing type of day.

The weekend has been good though. My friend Jayne came down from Cambridge yesterday. Marvellous lunch at The Waggoners, a walk back through the woods and a couple of pints in the pub.

As it's the summer holidays it is quite hard to motivate myself to work. I have the dreaded appraisal on Wednesday. Long time readers of this blog may recall some of the horrific experiences in appraisals past. Why 3 hours have been scheduled I have no idea. That does not seem normal. 

There are 3 weeks until my long awaited summer break. Have a few things planned including a few days in Kent with dad. I will meet friends at Borough Market 2 days before my birthday. 55 sounds very grand.

Until next time I will leave you all. Have wonderful Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.