Autumnal Birthday.

Today I turned 56. With that birthday has come the chill of autumn. A long hot summer is all but over. The leaves are on the turn and nights creeping in. But I'm content.

Looking back on the last few months none of this seemed possible. Defeated, despairing and completely overwhelmed I withdrew from the world in mid May. Had I not it's possible a third admission might have happened. 

I'm proud to have stayed out of a psychiatric ward for 31 years. Yes it is that long. I never thought I'd go back after 2001. Yet I have come close twice in the last four years. 

The support and kindness from both friend and stranger still staggers me. People genuinely do care about me. Perhaps I should care more about me.

A rare gathering of our small family will take place today. Dad is on the train to London. Miriam and Nigel are driving down. We will lunch at The Waggoners. Always good there.

For one day only I will put aside the terrors of our incredibly unstable world. Just in my world today. 

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Jaded but Smiling.

Once again my Sunday morning is glorious in its opera and its literature. Idomeneo and Bitter Lemons of Cyprus. 

You find me today jaded but smiling. I travelled home from Kent on Thursday. A journey without incident although the Folkestone train was unusually packed.

Friday I spoke to my new manager. We have a plan to return. I will do a site visit on 4th then, assuming occupational health agree I will begin a phased return on 15th. I do want to go back but the prospect is not without fear and trepidation. 

That evening we all went to a wedding party. This held many fears for me, I'm not good at parties these days. But in the end it was great fun.

Tomorrow is a public holiday. I'm having lunch with someone I know who has just returned from the USA. Last time we met she was not in a good space. I hope the time away has been as healing to her as mine has to me.

Next Saturday I turn 56. Dad is coming up and Miriam and Nigel are coming down. Lunch at The Waggoners is booked. Hopefully see some friends in the evening. 

Thoughts have turned to lunch. Roast belly pork served with roast potatoes and fennel, some vegetables, gravy and I suspect a glass of Chianti. My friend Zoe is joining me for lunch. 

Enjoy the long weekend. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Shrieking Gulls.

Greetings all. I've escaped to the seaside. Salty air, brisk winds and shriek of the seagulls. How reassuring that all is. That world was part of my life for so long.

Since Monday I have been revisiting old haunts, catching up with friends, soaking in the sea air and reminding myself I needed to take that time away from work. 

Back in mid May I was overwhelmed, harassed, bullied, criticised and undermined. Almost defeated. But my long journey through the darkness of mental illness has given me a resilience many admire. Admire and respect. I think they now realise quite how important I was. Yes things did not go well without me. Yet the show must go on.

Tomorrow I will catch the train home. Payday and a wedding await on Friday. I don't find social events easy these days but I will be amongst friends. And besides weddings are not about me.

Next week brings Borough Market on Wednesday and I turn 56 on the Saturday. Yes Bernie Rosen, your predictions in 1994 were wildly wrong.

On 2nd September I hold court with the great and the good. The really important people. And I will shine.

Nearly 15 years after my first post on my Voices Did My Head In blog I'm still here, still writing, still speaking out and challenging the failing status quo.

I Heard a Voice. 

An Autocrat's Convention.

The world is a frightening place at the moment. Some hoped the age of authoritarian rule had passed. I fear they are wrong. With so much of the world consumed by the fire of war and the wild fires of climate change where do we stand in 2025? It feels like the edge of a precipice. 

I rarely make political comment online but the strong men meet, bluster, carve up and play God. The end result we do not yet know. Let us hope that peace comes, the people are respected and respecting. That feels a long way off at the moment. 

So what of my little world? After the blazing heat of recent days today is cooler, more overcast and gloomy. I'm home cooking ragu. My fridge is stocked, my coffee drunk and I feel okay. Not much anxiety, mood neutral and my love of cooking is being exercised.

I remain off work but am optimistic that I will return in mid September. A positive meeting with occupational health yesterday. The plan is to do a site visit with my new manager in early September then targeting the 15th to go back on a phased return. 

A train trip to the coast is planned for Monday. Spend a few days with dad, see friends and walk along the beach.

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.