A Voice in the Silence.

A long time ago I had no voice. I knew one day I would have to find a voice. And I was determined of that the day they locked me up behind metal doors and metal bars.

When my voice slowly came back it was an angry voice. No one wants to hear an angry voice. But I was surrounded by angry voices. With that somehow, somewhere, and at some time a voice had to emerge. 

I'm lucky enough to know a number of the great campaigners who found they voice before me. All are more famous than me. I'm a nobody outside my world. But my world is quite big.

People have read my books and been stunned. People have heard me speak and been inspired. People at their darkest moments have heard me and were struck by a tiny glimmer of hope.

There are words written and spoken. Words can be power. They can also be a vulnerability. 

Silent on here for weeks. A week ago I spoke out. And it hit home with immense power. Words can be misinterpreted. It was my angry voice I should never let out. And for that I feel ashamed. 

When one of the great campaigners recognised world wide says "you are our leader now" that is huge weight to carry. But I must step up yet perhaps in a more measured way.

I have a lot to change in my approach, the tasks up am set, and in using my voice more judiciously. 

I Heard a Voice.

Not Even a Goodbye?

A year ago I had a long, intense, emotive and intimate video call with someone very precious. She wanted to come up that night but it was late and we both had work in the morning. We parted with love and connection.

How did I know I'd never see her again? She was preparing to come soon. All I got was a "how are you" text a week later. After 7 months of silence she asked me to stop contacting her.

Losing people has been a recurrent theme in my life. I suppose it is in all our lives. But it is so desperately sad and painful. The defining moments of my life have been those departures. 

No one has ever given an explanation for it. They just go.

For someone like me who doubts everything, overthinks everything and has seen so much darkness it is but another hammer blow. And I've had many.

My friends are all very angry with her. Me less so. Friendships and relationships in the dark world of mental health are unstable, risky and end in tears.

Yet I've cried no tears. Nor had a breakdown as I did 33 years ago. Maybe I do actually have the resilience and courage that so many moniker me with. Just doesn't feel like it.

I see too much good in people and don't always sense their self absorption and selfishness. That is how I judge myself not others. 

In the twilight of another anniversary I will mourn. I will mourn for me not her. My friends do too. Saying goodbye is hard but not saying it scars. And seen enough scarring.

I Heard a Voice.