A year ago I had a long, intense, emotive and intimate video call with someone very precious. She wanted to come up that night but it was late and we both had work in the morning. We parted with love and connection.
How did I know I'd never see her again? She was preparing to come soon. All I got was a "how are you" text a week later. After 7 months of silence she asked me to stop contacting her.
Losing people has been a recurrent theme in my life. I suppose it is in all our lives. But it is so desperately sad and painful. The defining moments of my life have been those departures.
No one has ever given an explanation for it. They just go.
For someone like me who doubts everything, overthinks everything and has seen so much darkness it is but another hammer blow. And I've had many.
My friends are all very angry with her. Me less so. Friendships and relationships in the dark world of mental health are unstable, risky and end in tears.
Yet I've cried no tears. Nor had a breakdown as I did 33 years ago. Maybe I do actually have the resilience and courage that so many moniker me with. Just doesn't feel like it.
I see too much good in people and don't always sense their self absorption and selfishness. That is how I judge myself not others.
In the twilight of another anniversary I will mourn. I will mourn for me not her. My friends do too. Saying goodbye is hard but not saying it scars. And seen enough scarring.
I Heard a Voice.
