Curious Indifference.

On a sunny, mild Sunday morning you find me, as ever, listening to opera and reading. Puccini and Durrell. I would like to say I'm having a good morning but I'm hampered by flat mood, lethargic indifference and a curious emptiness. 

I've been like that the last two days. As the Middle East burns and India mourns my challenges are irrelevant but still have to be endured.

My step away from work has been extended by another month. I'm not where I was five weeks ago but not where I want to be. From what I can gather some are missing me, a hole of leadership those others have failed to fill.

The week takes me to Sussex for a couple of days. Although I went to school in Sussex it has been some years since I was down that way.

For today though it is ride out the indifference and look forward to a culinary adventure. Clams with garlic, parsley and white wine for lunch and lamb shank for dinner. 

In these troubled and dangerous times please look after yourselves. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Awaiting the Thunder.

On an overcast warmish afternoon we're expecting thunder and lightning. That said it's been very notable for its absence. 

In years gone by before I bought my flat I lived in dread of thunderstorms. Not because I fear thunder and lightning but because if the power went out I would lose the boiler and struggle to get it going again. The two flats had the same type of boiler which was absolutely useless. Now I have a reliable boiler and at least some of my anxiety has lifted.

In my life it remains a day to day existence. The feeling of being overwhelmed has dissipated somewhat in the day but the dreams go on. And with that fatigue is exasperated. 

I can do little about that but I'm not where I was four weeks ago. My absence has been remarked on by a lot of colleagues who seem to be missing me. That I felt un-needed, disrespected and generally diminished has been sapping away at my morale for months. Given my chronic core beliefs and self esteem it is a wonder I lasted this long.

Taking time away was desperately needed to re-set and re-evaluate. What I go back to I do not know. I'm staying deliberately in the dark. Staying offline helps a lot but at some point I need to get back on and work out a plan for the future both immediate and longer term.

During the day I walk, eat, shop before getting to my kitchen in the evening. I'm still cooking which is sign of resilience and healing. 

A number of people from many parts of my life have reached out. Overwhelmingly they talk of how I touched their lives. That my wisdom and healing have helped so many. What I'm trying to do now is apply that wisdom to my life. Slowly, ever so slowly for the first time I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and let healing light in. It's painful and humbling. But what is now clear is that people are acknowledging my demons, my pain and my vulnerability. Damage occurs when vulnerable but to heal we must go to that vulnerability and change the narrative. That's what I need help with. 

So on this Saturday afternoon the thunder still hasn't arrived, I'm home in safety and a Thai chang mei curry is on the menu. Paste is made, I need to chop the belly pork and dust it with turmeric before cooking. 

I Heard a Voice. 

In the Blink of an Eye.

On a quiet, sunny Sunday morning I'm home listening to Beethoven's cello sonatas and reminiscing. On what was, what is, and what might have been. 

That day three years ago was magical. That I would get together with Charlotte had never been my intention nor even in my thinking. Two troubled souls colliding. It could only end one way and that was in tears.

She put me through so much over the ensuing three years. Mainly for her absence but also by the broken promises and occasional demands to come up late at night when there were no trains and we both had work the next day.

I have no idea why she left. Just ghosting and then don't contact me. She has no idea what she has done. The turmoil unleashed. And the devastation that manifests itself in all aspects of my life.

There is nothing I can do but try to let go and move on.

Mentally I'm still struggling despite three weeks of work. I'm signed off until the 12th and certainly in need of more time than that.

Away from my little world I fear for the larger world. Looking back in the fifteen years I've been writing this blog there has been little stability but today seems darker than at any point in my life. Fear pervades all.

For now though I stick to my Beethoven and read. I do have friends coming for lunch but that is a way off. I'm up so early after yet more nightmares. 

Maybe see you all in the week. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Nearing the End.

Last night I saw a man I've known for many years for the first time in ages. He's been living abroad. Dogged with dementia and gaunt from looks like cancer I fear the end is nigh for him.

He recognised me but couldn't remember my name. But he did remember that I wrote my books.

As happened with mum dementia seemed to have mellowed him. Just an old man. He thinks he's going back to Thailand but as his ex wife who is looking after him said, "he won't go back."

Life as a journey is hard. Battered and bruised we walk on day by day and night by night. Each day we get older. Wiser too some might say.

My journey is not easy at the moment. But I have escaped to the sea to spend time with my dad, my friends and to try to heal. I need a lot of healing at the moment. 

Tonight we are meeting Beka for Thai food. I did offer to cook but she said save yourself and let's go out.

My walk along the beach this morning was helpful. I sent my team a video from there, so many have reached out.

A return home is scheduled for Friday. I will travel some more in my enforced absence, hopefully to Cambridge, to London and to Sussex. 

Take care all.

I Heard a Voice  

Woodland Adventures.

Under leaden skies on Thursday morning a  band of four set forth through the woods. My friends had kindly offered to take me out.

The woods were beautiful, the air pleasantly mild and the leaden skies remained just that.

Light lunch at The Waggoners then a wander home.

You find me two weeks into my health driven step away from work. During the days I don't think about it much but at night the dreams keep coming. 

It is obvious to all that I needed to take time away. What I face when I go back is uncertain. I know a number of colleagues are missing me.

Yesterday Jayne came down from Cambridge. Lovely lunch at The Lam Nam Moon a couple of hours in The Hedgehog garden. 

With freedom comes an opportunity to travel. Tuesdays I'm attending a group to tackle some of my demons but after that I plan to go to Kent to see my dad. Walk along the beach and hopefully catch up with a few people. 

For now though I am listening to Figaro and plan to roast a turkey leg for lunch. Enjoy the long weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

And in the Darkness Bind Them.

On a day when the sun finally went in and a chill in the air returned I'm at home. I'm not working for a while. 

The realisation that I need time away became overwhelming on Sunday afternoon. Now on Thursday I'm signed off and trying to fight my way out of the darkness that binds me.

I should have made the decision earlier. That I fought on too long is clear to everyone. The future looks bleak but with the pressure off I am calmer.

This afternoon I'm seeing psychology for the second time in two weeks. We only got as far as 1994 in the history. It seems likely I will get a further diagnosis. I need this.

There was talk of getting the Crisis, Assessment and Treatment Team involved but I'm not sure yet. I could have done with them on Monday, today perhaps less so.

People have reached out in their kindness. For that I am grateful. At some point I will escape to Kent and walk along the beach. See dad. 

How long this will last is anyone's guess but I think it is likely to be at least a couple of months. I need to make some decisions in that time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

The Cold, Wet Abyss.

Do I post or not? What will I write? And how will people perceive that? Aside from restaurant staff and in a couple of shops I  have not spoken to a soul all day.

I'm alone at home staring into the abyss that is my coming week. No one is picking up the phone and few are responding. Do I need someone to respond? Probably. 

The day is cold and wet. Bleak out and bleak in. I'm mourning my loss for the friends who have walked away from my life in recent years.

Tomorrow I will see psychology and my retired former therapist Peter. I need that. My resilience is really testing at the moment but I'm hanging on. Hour to hour today rather than a day at a time. 

But I will prevail. In darkness a light will come on sooner or later. I know it will just can't find the switch at the moment. 

I Heard a Voice.