Awaiting the Thunder.

On an overcast warmish afternoon we're expecting thunder and lightning. That said it's been very notable for its absence. 

In years gone by before I bought my flat I lived in dread of thunderstorms. Not because I fear thunder and lightning but because if the power went out I would lose the boiler and struggle to get it going again. The two flats had the same type of boiler which was absolutely useless. Now I have a reliable boiler and at least some of my anxiety has lifted.

In my life it remains a day to day existence. The feeling of being overwhelmed has dissipated somewhat in the day but the dreams go on. And with that fatigue is exasperated. 

I can do little about that but I'm not where I was four weeks ago. My absence has been remarked on by a lot of colleagues who seem to be missing me. That I felt un-needed, disrespected and generally diminished has been sapping away at my morale for months. Given my chronic core beliefs and self esteem it is a wonder I lasted this long.

Taking time away was desperately needed to re-set and re-evaluate. What I go back to I do not know. I'm staying deliberately in the dark. Staying offline helps a lot but at some point I need to get back on and work out a plan for the future both immediate and longer term.

During the day I walk, eat, shop before getting to my kitchen in the evening. I'm still cooking which is sign of resilience and healing. 

A number of people from many parts of my life have reached out. Overwhelmingly they talk of how I touched their lives. That my wisdom and healing have helped so many. What I'm trying to do now is apply that wisdom to my life. Slowly, ever so slowly for the first time I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and let healing light in. It's painful and humbling. But what is now clear is that people are acknowledging my demons, my pain and my vulnerability. Damage occurs when vulnerable but to heal we must go to that vulnerability and change the narrative. That's what I need help with. 

So on this Saturday afternoon the thunder still hasn't arrived, I'm home in safety and a Thai chang mei curry is on the menu. Paste is made, I need to chop the belly pork and dust it with turmeric before cooking. 

I Heard a Voice.