Nearing the End.

Last night I saw a man I've known for many years for the first time in ages. He's been living abroad. Dogged with dementia and gaunt from looks like cancer I fear the end is nigh for him.

He recognised me but couldn't remember my name. But he did remember that I wrote my books.

As happened with mum dementia seemed to have mellowed him. Just an old man. He thinks he's going back to Thailand but as his ex wife who is looking after him said, "he won't go back."

Life as a journey is hard. Battered and bruised we walk on day by day and night by night. Each day we get older. Wiser too some might say.

My journey is not easy at the moment. But I have escaped to the sea to spend time with my dad, my friends and to try to heal. I need a lot of healing at the moment. 

Tonight we are meeting Beka for Thai food. I did offer to cook but she said save yourself and let's go out.

My walk along the beach this morning was helpful. I sent my team a video from there, so many have reached out.

A return home is scheduled for Friday. I will travel some more in my enforced absence, hopefully to Cambridge, to London and to Sussex. 

Take care all.

I Heard a Voice  

Woodland Adventures.

Under leaden skies on Thursday morning a  band of four set forth through the woods. My friends had kindly offered to take me out.

The woods were beautiful, the air pleasantly mild and the leaden skies remained just that.

Light lunch at The Waggoners then a wander home.

You find me two weeks into my health driven step away from work. During the days I don't think about it much but at night the dreams keep coming. 

It is obvious to all that I needed to take time away. What I face when I go back is uncertain. I know a number of colleagues are missing me.

Yesterday Jayne came down from Cambridge. Lovely lunch at The Lam Nam Moon a couple of hours in The Hedgehog garden. 

With freedom comes an opportunity to travel. Tuesdays I'm attending a group to tackle some of my demons but after that I plan to go to Kent to see my dad. Walk along the beach and hopefully catch up with a few people. 

For now though I am listening to Figaro and plan to roast a turkey leg for lunch. Enjoy the long weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

And in the Darkness Bind Them.

On a day when the sun finally went in and a chill in the air returned I'm at home. I'm not working for a while. 

The realisation that I need time away became overwhelming on Sunday afternoon. Now on Thursday I'm signed off and trying to fight my way out of the darkness that binds me.

I should have made the decision earlier. That I fought on too long is clear to everyone. The future looks bleak but with the pressure off I am calmer.

This afternoon I'm seeing psychology for the second time in two weeks. We only got as far as 1994 in the history. It seems likely I will get a further diagnosis. I need this.

There was talk of getting the Crisis, Assessment and Treatment Team involved but I'm not sure yet. I could have done with them on Monday, today perhaps less so.

People have reached out in their kindness. For that I am grateful. At some point I will escape to Kent and walk along the beach. See dad. 

How long this will last is anyone's guess but I think it is likely to be at least a couple of months. I need to make some decisions in that time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

The Cold, Wet Abyss.

Do I post or not? What will I write? And how will people perceive that? Aside from restaurant staff and in a couple of shops I  have not spoken to a soul all day.

I'm alone at home staring into the abyss that is my coming week. No one is picking up the phone and few are responding. Do I need someone to respond? Probably. 

The day is cold and wet. Bleak out and bleak in. I'm mourning my loss for the friends who have walked away from my life in recent years.

Tomorrow I will see psychology and my retired former therapist Peter. I need that. My resilience is really testing at the moment but I'm hanging on. Hour to hour today rather than a day at a time. 

But I will prevail. In darkness a light will come on sooner or later. I know it will just can't find the switch at the moment. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Man on a Bicycle.

Sunday morning in leafy Hertfordshire. The sun is out sporadically. As ever on a Sunday I'm listening to music and reading. Today it is The Messiah and a rather fun book called A Cheese-monger's History of the British Isles. 

Life is hard at the moment. Everything I do and every direction I turn in I'm attacked and criticised. Vulnerability sweats out of every pore. Fear stalks my life and the future feels uncertain. 

To have so much going on is really testing my resilience. After a very difficult call on Thursday about a past long buried I have three more difficult meetings next week. I'm likely going back into therapy this week. 

Thoughts on that are mixed but I cannot fight on alone. 

Yet yesterday I went back to nature to calm my fractious mind. Walking through the woods for the first time since autumn brought a lonely calm. The only interruption a man on an electric bicycle. Must get out in the woods more often. 

It's feeling unnervingly likely that I've lost another close friend from my life. A once almost daily exchange of voicenotes with a friend in Kent has succumbed to silence. That she is angry with me is known to me. How to right the schism is not known to me. When I am under pressure and angry some things come out wrong. I regret that.

Must go now, belly pork going in the oven.

I Heard a Voice.