Curious Indifference.

On a sunny, mild Sunday morning you find me, as ever, listening to opera and reading. Puccini and Durrell. I would like to say I'm having a good morning but I'm hampered by flat mood, lethargic indifference and a curious emptiness. 

I've been like that the last two days. As the Middle East burns and India mourns my challenges are irrelevant but still have to be endured.

My step away from work has been extended by another month. I'm not where I was five weeks ago but not where I want to be. From what I can gather some are missing me, a hole of leadership those others have failed to fill.

The week takes me to Sussex for a couple of days. Although I went to school in Sussex it has been some years since I was down that way.

For today though it is ride out the indifference and look forward to a culinary adventure. Clams with garlic, parsley and white wine for lunch and lamb shank for dinner. 

In these troubled and dangerous times please look after yourselves. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Awaiting the Thunder.

On an overcast warmish afternoon we're expecting thunder and lightning. That said it's been very notable for its absence. 

In years gone by before I bought my flat I lived in dread of thunderstorms. Not because I fear thunder and lightning but because if the power went out I would lose the boiler and struggle to get it going again. The two flats had the same type of boiler which was absolutely useless. Now I have a reliable boiler and at least some of my anxiety has lifted.

In my life it remains a day to day existence. The feeling of being overwhelmed has dissipated somewhat in the day but the dreams go on. And with that fatigue is exasperated. 

I can do little about that but I'm not where I was four weeks ago. My absence has been remarked on by a lot of colleagues who seem to be missing me. That I felt un-needed, disrespected and generally diminished has been sapping away at my morale for months. Given my chronic core beliefs and self esteem it is a wonder I lasted this long.

Taking time away was desperately needed to re-set and re-evaluate. What I go back to I do not know. I'm staying deliberately in the dark. Staying offline helps a lot but at some point I need to get back on and work out a plan for the future both immediate and longer term.

During the day I walk, eat, shop before getting to my kitchen in the evening. I'm still cooking which is sign of resilience and healing. 

A number of people from many parts of my life have reached out. Overwhelmingly they talk of how I touched their lives. That my wisdom and healing have helped so many. What I'm trying to do now is apply that wisdom to my life. Slowly, ever so slowly for the first time I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and let healing light in. It's painful and humbling. But what is now clear is that people are acknowledging my demons, my pain and my vulnerability. Damage occurs when vulnerable but to heal we must go to that vulnerability and change the narrative. That's what I need help with. 

So on this Saturday afternoon the thunder still hasn't arrived, I'm home in safety and a Thai chang mei curry is on the menu. Paste is made, I need to chop the belly pork and dust it with turmeric before cooking. 

I Heard a Voice. 

In the Blink of an Eye.

On a quiet, sunny Sunday morning I'm home listening to Beethoven's cello sonatas and reminiscing. On what was, what is, and what might have been. 

That day three years ago was magical. That I would get together with Charlotte had never been my intention nor even in my thinking. Two troubled souls colliding. It could only end one way and that was in tears.

She put me through so much over the ensuing three years. Mainly for her absence but also by the broken promises and occasional demands to come up late at night when there were no trains and we both had work the next day.

I have no idea why she left. Just ghosting and then don't contact me. She has no idea what she has done. The turmoil unleashed. And the devastation that manifests itself in all aspects of my life.

There is nothing I can do but try to let go and move on.

Mentally I'm still struggling despite three weeks of work. I'm signed off until the 12th and certainly in need of more time than that.

Away from my little world I fear for the larger world. Looking back in the fifteen years I've been writing this blog there has been little stability but today seems darker than at any point in my life. Fear pervades all.

For now though I stick to my Beethoven and read. I do have friends coming for lunch but that is a way off. I'm up so early after yet more nightmares. 

Maybe see you all in the week. 

I Heard a Voice.