Resplendent in the Sunshine.

Hello out there. Is anyone there? The vagaries of writing online are apparent at the moment. Not many people reading. 

It's a sunny Sunday morning in mid spring. I'm listening to Tosca and just started a new book. "A Cheese-monger's History of the British Isles" which is rather fun.

I'm at the end of my ten day break. Dad and I returned from our trip away on Friday. As ever with the two of us together the odd calamity occurred but we made it.

Switching off from work sadly was not so easy. Calls when in holiday really shouldn't happen but they did. 

Mentally I remain tormented by dreams, anxiety fills my days and nights but my mood remains relatively steady.

I have a psychology appointment on 6th May. We will see what if anything that brings. That I need the help has been clear for several months. Recently completing GAD 7 and PHQ 9 I was not at all surprised my anxiety is almost off the scale. What shocked me was just how depressed I am on the scale. 

What I should do is boost my medication and take some time away. But that comes at a price. It's hard enough trying to keep on top of things anyway, going off just stores up more problems for the future. 

Back in my kitchen the adventures go on. Today roast chicken thighs smothered in herbed butter with thyme, tarragon and parsley, new potatoes, asparagus, carrots and savoy cabbage. Might have a glass of Picpoul de Pinet with it. Tomorrow roast beef for the Easter delayed St George's Day.

Stay out there and be kind to yourselves. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Escape to a Quiet Spot..

You find me away from work, away from home and away from cooking. I have escaped to Essex near the town of Tiptree famous for its jam factory with my dad.

After a somewhat stressful Easter, an incredibly stressful term I had hoped to find some peace and quiet to read my book. 

Sadly that's not the case. The only quiet place is our room and work followed me down here.

My life is very unsettled. Yet I keep going, day after day. If and when I find calm waters I will rest. Feels now like I'm drowning against the tide. 

Some may say my challenges are first world challenges but there is only so much mental resilience in me before I have to withdraw from the world and increase my medication. 

That said it is good to be with dad. He's playing bowls on a damp, drizzly morning. We're certainly well fed here. Had I not skipped breakfast the last two days I would be the size of a house. 

In the wider world it is St George's Day. A day to take back our flag from those who use it for nefarious reasons to justify attacks on those deemed to be different. The world is made of many different beliefs, creeds and culture. We all have a place in the world. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Easter Chaos.

Happy Easter everyone! The most important Christian festival of the year.

A time of spring, of sunshine, of roast lamb and of Easter eggs. My dad is here after a very stressful journey yesterday. Wherever he goes chaos is not far behind. 

He's currently at church. I'm home alone listening to Don Giovanni and just drinking iced water.

It's a huge relief to be away from work for the long weekend and this upcoming week. As you recall my working life is very difficult at the moment and my confidence is shot away. Why do we these things to ourselves?

We are heading off to Essex tomorrow for a few days. Dad will play bowls and I will read. Taking three books.

I'm about to cook said lamb. A half shoulder studded with garlic and rosemary. I will make mint sauce to go with it and a bottle of Chianti. 

No doubt time will fly this week. Always does when I am away from work. 

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

The Rains Came.

After a few weeks of sunshine the rains finally came yesterday. The weekend has been long, off Friday and today, but at times unsettling. 

Today I feel flat and edgy. The complexity of my working life, my people life and my study life feels overwhelming. I'm alone in my flat, hungry but no appetite, tired but unable to rest.

A lot has happened in the last week. I faced long buried demons. I battled through another essay and I may have lost another friend for good. Is it any wonder I am struggling?

I fear the morrow and the working week. Come Friday we get to Easter. Dad and I are going away for a few days next week. That is making me nervous. I like spending time with dad but I fear the unknown. 

That will come and go soon enough. For the moment it is just getting through today. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Pushing Back.

On this beautiful spring afternoon I'm listening to Stanford, cooking a Chinese goat stew and generally trying to switch off.

Finally this afternoon I took a step towards pushing back against the challenges and criticism that has become almost daily. Processes exist but I don't have a lot of optimism that it will work but I should have done this back in October when advised to do so.

I'm too trusting and too optimistic about change. Sadly some will never changed. It's hard feeling targeted but since October that's how I've felt. 

My psychiatrist asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was experiencing any paranoia. Whilst I don't think MI5 is trying to kill me or that a computer is controlling my mind I do feel there are moves going on intending to cause me damage. When I explained the context he rather agreed with me. Who wouldn't be?

Yet on this warm late Saturday afternoon I have done what I can. And it was the right thing to do.

Amidst all that my culinary adventures continue. Goat stew today, roast pork tomorrow. 

Let's hope the sunshine continues. 

I Heard a Voice.