tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10614545829160850922024-03-25T13:57:42.193+00:00Voices Did My HeadI Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.comBlogger1447125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-26060685819710380692024-03-24T09:20:00.000+00:002024-03-24T09:20:07.230+00:00Three Decades and Three Weeks<p>It is three weeks since I last came on here to write my thoughts to an empty and silent world. I've had things to say but no time to say them.</p><p>If you're a regular reader, not many left after fourteen years of writing, you will recall how hard I find anniversaries. This weekend marked three.</p><p>Two years ago yesterday an important person walked away from my life. Two years ago another important person started the process of leaving me too. And today marks thirty years since my second and final admission to a psychiatric ward.</p><p>Words cannot describe what that feels like. I tried and failed to convey the horror in A Pillar of Impotence. Put simply you wear that badge or you don't. </p><p>Almost everyone from that place is dead. A few years ago a survivor got in touch because she stumbled across this blog. She's disappeared again. I'm left alone with those memories. </p><p>Today I feel flat and lonely despite having a visitor. I seek merely to get through the day. </p><p>Mozart plays and I'm silent with my thoughts. </p><p>Tomorrow life goes on, today is to be endured.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-81039326724717379272024-03-03T09:22:00.002+00:002024-03-03T09:22:41.923+00:00What Do You Want?<p>Had I posted yesterday as I'd hoped you may have seen an angry rant. I was not in a good place and facing something I didn't want to do.</p><p>I could and maybe should have cancelled my plans. But I did follow them through and as with all things my anxiety touches it was better than I feared. </p><p>Apparently it's inappropriate to talk about work on here so I can't tell you what happened. But in the stoney silence of the day I got stuck on the thought that people only contact me when they want something. </p><p>Who do I want to be? Normality seems alien. To an extent I face the world alone. No partner, no family of my own. A lot of friends granted but there remains a deafening silence from the one person I want to be with. It's hard when people disappear from the face of the earth for months at a time. </p><p>So on this cold Sunday morning once again I'm alone. I've got yet another cold, I'm tired because I couldn't sleep and my neck hurts.</p><p>Life will right itself. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. It just doesn't feel good to be me today.</p><p>I Heard a Voice.</p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-29985453434972898032024-02-17T13:39:00.002+00:002024-02-17T13:39:45.153+00:00The Harbour's Edge.<p>It's grey, wet and cold down at the coast. I've escaped to Kent to see a friend. Living just a stone's throw from the harbour. It was beautiful out there last night as I stood at the harbour edge at low tide. Not so inviting today. </p><p>I'm pretty good. Fatigue aside the last vestiges of the flu have gone.</p><p>My working life remains incredibly busy but I'm thriving. Half term next week so mainly working from home.</p><p>Soon spring will come. Flowers, green leaves, Jersey Royal potatoes, English asparagus. A plethora of joys await us when it warms up.</p><p>We are now in the Christian lent season. A time of abstinence and prayer. Not for me, the culinary decadence goes on. Did some beautiful roast pork on Thursday. Have some rabbit in the freezer. </p><p>Tomorrow I journey home. Not going to be easy at King's Cross is closed until Wednesday. Trains are so unreliable at times.</p><p>Until next time. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-55661662808792547942024-02-11T17:18:00.000+00:002024-02-11T17:18:33.783+00:00Back to the Fens. <p>My association with the fenland of East Anglia goes way back to 1978. 46 years in September. Back then I had just turned 9 as I went to boarding school to join the most famous choir in the world. </p><p>Occasionally I wonder what life might have been like had I not taken that path. Even today people erroneously say to me you were sent away at 9. I actually chose to do it.</p><p>That decision altered all our lives. We are who we are today partly because of it.</p><p>This weekend I've been back in the fens. Yesterday lunchtime I passed through my beloved Cambridge and on to Ely. </p><p>Seeing Miriam and Nigel for my annual Super Bowl pilgrimage has been great. Wonderful home cooking yesterday. Epic Sunday lunch at The Prince Albert today followed by a lovely walk around Ely. And the sun shone on the fens.</p><p>Sometimes a change of scenery is needed. I've certainly done that this weekend. </p><p>Tonight I will witness another Super Bowl. Tomorrow I travel home. And Tuesday I go back to reality.</p><p>Until next time. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-33648383151045903612024-02-04T12:37:00.000+00:002024-02-04T12:37:05.137+00:00Recovering One Day at a Time <p>Greetings on a grey but mild Sunday afternoon. I'm slowly recovering from the flu. Really just a cough and immense fatigue left now. Was so tired last night I was in bed by 11.15 pm and slept for 11 hours. </p><p>The last couple of weeks have been a sharp reminder that however life appears to be going we are all vulnerable to microbes. If I'm honest I have not been so sick since having whooping cough in 2014.</p><p>I'm reminded too that the human immune system is very powerful but takes time.</p><p>The week was mainly okay. Two more days of study, rushing around between sites. Trying to fit everything in. And speaking to the big boss late on Friday afternoon. </p><p>As for the weekend a bus trip to St Albans yesterday. Lovely lunch but all the shops seem to have shut down so nothing worth buying. </p><p>Today brings Haydn opera, my book and later roast chicken. </p><p>Mentally I'm pretty good. Just have to shake off this fatigue. </p><p>Viewing figures on here have been healthy but it seems much of that is bot activity in Singapore. Why any bot would be interested in my musings I have no idea.</p><p>Next weekend I'm off to Miriam's. Yes the Super Bowl coming up once again. </p><p>Have good week. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-6713323582278389352024-01-27T14:27:00.001+00:002024-01-27T14:27:39.333+00:00Silence of the Death Rattle Cough.<p>On this non descript Saturday afternoon in late January I am contemplating what has happened in my life over the past two weeks. I have been sick, really sick.</p><p>For almost nine days I felt like death. Boxes of paracetamol were consumed, I froze, I sweated, I barely ate and at night time terrifying paranoid nightmares. </p><p>Now the fever has broken, the dreams have dissipated and the sachets of paracetamol lie unopened. </p><p>All that's left is utter exhaustion and the hack of a death rattle cough. Around me is silence. Not many reached out to me and my social media silence went largely un noticed.</p><p>Despite being so ill I should have retired to my bed and asked the doctor for a sick I carried on working for four days this week. Three solid days of online university. My fourth enrolment at a university in my lifetime. Then yesterday trying to play catch up. </p><p>This weekend will come and go, I will improve and spring will keep marching towards us. Roll on the spring!</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-5769559037586084592024-01-21T13:31:00.000+00:002024-01-21T13:31:01.564+00:00Seasonal Flu.<p>On this dull Sunday afternoon I feel dreadful. Have done since Tuesday. Banging headache, backache, shivers, fever and sore throat. Add in insomnia and I'm not doing so great. </p><p>I've only truly had flu twice in my life. This feels as bad, definitely worse than covid. Maybe it is flu once again. </p><p>It's beginning to impact mentally too. Loneliness. Isolation. Insidious self doubt. Replaying the wrongs of recent years. Fear. The whole package is there. But will not let it defeat me. Too much at stake.</p><p>Staving off the sneezing I write to you whilst listening to Palestrina. One of the first recordings I did. Beautiful but fiendishly difficult to sing the Ave Maria mass is so renaissance Europe. </p><p>The world outside continues to go mad as the conflagration in the Middle East spreads ever wider. People here are polarised. I do not know what to think other than to just focus on what I can control. </p><p>I haven't been out since Friday barring getting paracetamol and takeaway. Somehow I have to be ready to start my fourth university course on Tuesday. This time at the University of East Anglia. Not my choice but will see how it goes. Currently it won't even let me into their system as it doesn't recognise the correct password. I've requested a reset but it has been sent to an email address I cannot access without said password. Not an auspicious start!</p><p>Back to today I have to log on to send some work emails, not good when sick, and tie up loose ends. Then I will cook roast lamb. </p><p>Have a great Sunday. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-67798957923835902352024-01-14T11:03:00.001+00:002024-01-14T11:03:48.582+00:00A Little Mozart.<p>Greetings on a cold January Sunday morning. I'm told it's set to get colder.</p><p>Home alone Mozart plays and I'm trying to stay warm. I feel very little today, neither manic nor depressed, neither anxious nor at peace. I just am today. </p><p>The week was long but not without success. There were irritants of course but all jobs have those. I'm making progress one day at a time. </p><p>Much of my surrounding cast have been struck by the latest in a whole series of overlapping cold and viruses. After myself being affected all through autumn I'm relieved that at the moment I am okay. </p><p>As is my wont today will focus on my kitchen. A nectarine salad with feta will be my lunch. Roast beef tonight. I've finally used my tagine our team gave me for my birthday. Twice in fact with great success. Last night was lamb and apricot tagine. </p><p>Later the Rams will play their wild card playoff game against the Lions in Detroit. Too late to watch live but I will watch the recording after work tomorrow. </p><p>Enjoy your Sunday everyone. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-52583315362180294752024-01-02T16:56:00.002+00:002024-01-02T16:56:47.924+00:00A Day of Doubt.<p>Today has been miserable out. Heavy rain and gusting winds. That was after a New Year's Day full of doubt, overthinking, loneliness and flat mood followed by a night of insomnia. Not a good start.</p><p>Those days and nights come to be sometimes. The legacy of all these years of ups, downs and mental illness. On those days I just try to let it play out and learn to fight another day. </p><p>Despite the the storm raging outside I'm in a better place. I popped out to The Waggoners to see off the lovely Helena who is off on her travels. A kind, smiling, intelligent 21 year old she has looked after me on my visits the last few months. </p><p>Back home now in the warm my travels seem long gone. I have travelled extensively in my life, 17 choir tours between 1979 and 1996, travels alone to Holland and Spain, travels with friends and more recently trips with dad. </p><p>Whether I do another trip I do not know. Today it feels too overwhelming. </p><p>I do though recreate the marvellous cuisine of other cultures in my kitchen. People like my cooking. </p><p>On this bleak winter day my adventure is closer to home. Lamb casserole using scrag end is bubbling away slowly on the hob. I believe it's called comfort food.</p><p>Tomorrow my holiday ends. The world is moving on its very dangerous way. But each it gets a little lighter. The bulbs will come in a few weeks. Spring will bring back the greenery. And I return to study for the first time since 2015.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-37969561296618367422023-12-31T12:27:00.000+00:002023-12-31T12:27:04.197+00:00Saying Goodbye and Hello.<p>On a mild and intermittently sunny late December Day I saying goodbye to what was and hopefully hello to a glorious tomorrow. </p><p>That this year has been tumultuous has been recorded in my posts on here many times. A year ago another hammer blow was about hit. People can be so unkind. There would be more hammer blows up until Easter.</p><p>Somehow I was able to stagger up from the canvas of life each time. Resilience I suppose. </p><p>Now as I listen to The Nelson Mass on New Year's Eve I'm doing much better. It's funny when support comes from unexpected places that we can not only survive but Thrive.</p><p>The weight of expectation continues to weigh on me but I have done some good with my words.</p><p>What tomorrow brings I do not know. 2024 is less than twelve hours away. I know I will cook, listen to opera, read, drink my wine and hopefully bring a smile to people. </p><p>Without smiling where would we be. When I started on Risperidone in 2001 a couple of weeks later I bumped into a former neighbour. She asked me what had happened? Bemused I asked her what she meant. "You're smiling! I haven't seen you smile in years".</p><p>My battles with mental health goes on but today I'm winning. </p><p>Happy New Year to you all. Prosper in 2024.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-83408447125809516852023-12-27T08:37:00.001+00:002023-12-27T08:37:08.776+00:00By the Pale Light of Dawn.<p>It's nearly 8.30 am in the heart of East Kent. I've been awake since 6.00 am. Some days I just can't sleep. </p><p>I watched Dawn breaking over the beach. There no sun to be seen, just the pale, eery dawn light of a late December morning.</p><p>The sky was alive with gulls. The sky a threatening slate grey. And the sea rising to heights then crashing down on the beach.</p><p>I'm not a morning person. In fact I hate mornings. Today though I was at one with nature in all its brutal savagery. </p><p>The celebration of Christmas was grand this year. We nailed the roast goose. The pudding divine. And the cheese awesome. Much wine too. I was so tired I could have gone to bed at 5.00 pm.</p><p>Boxing day saw roast gammon before Miriam and Nigel disappeared on their travels. </p><p>The world may be in turmoil but for two days at least I was at peace.</p><p>A year ago I also woke early. My mind was destroyed that day. I saw inside the gates of hell that day. Not today though. </p><p>I'll tarry here a little while longer. Then out for breakfast and after get my hair cut.</p><p>Work is still a week away. There are people to see and things to do before then. I hope the drive home on Saturday will be a simple as the journey down here.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-43885380927679589302023-12-24T12:00:00.002+00:002023-12-24T12:00:41.325+00:00A Windswept Sea.<p>The wind is blowing across the shingle beach. Waves rise and crash. And the sky a threatening grey. Mum would not have swum today. </p><p>Yesterday I escaped to Kent for Christmas. It was an unusually good journey. Work is done for the year.</p><p>The anger and paranoia of my last post has dissipated and I'm good. </p><p>I didn't get that job but I am not disheartened. There will be others. As I said to people at the time it was an opportunity rather than a desire burning or otherwise. </p><p>A year ago on Boxing Day I descended into hell. The worst crash in 30 years. For a long time I was paralysed by fear, by failure and by expecting too much of me. But fought back.</p><p>As the world grapples with war, famine, disease, climate change and man's propensity to destroy itself I can only control parts of my little world. </p><p>And today I'm with my family, near the beach in East Kent. </p><p>The great day awaits us tomorrow. A sumptuous feast of roast goose will decorate our table. We will go to the beach as the sun sets. Christmas pudding will follow. Then cheese and wine late into the night. </p><p>For a day or two the gesture of peace on earth goodwill towards men will mark my life even as darkness encloaks the world. Please be kind to yourself and to others </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-32254315114504070042023-12-10T11:46:00.002+00:002023-12-10T11:46:32.911+00:00Fear and Paranoia. <p>This last week was hard. Not all bad but it was hard. Being angry and paranoid never sits well with me. But I know my critics sometimes rage and that makes me rage. But tomorrow is another day and I will stay true to myself. </p><p>33 years into my journey in mental health I am who I am. I speak out and not everyone appreciates that. Yet if I don't speak out who will?</p><p>A former colleague once said to me "you're the only person I have ever met who talks about the shadow". I asked what that meant and she said it is a term in Jungian psychotherapy that is the truth no one ever speaks. </p><p>Where I've got in trouble in my career is when I speak the truth no one wants to hear. Many find it hard to hear the truth.</p><p>Troubling though the first part of the week was Faith was restored on Thursday. Facing an interview for the first time in over two years I don't think it could have gone any better. My presentation was so comprehensive the panel had no questions. The interview questions were all answered I hope eloquently. Just as important they answered my questions. </p><p>At the end I said it would be controversial for a non qualified person like me to be appointed. The response was "you were shortlisted for a reason, experience counts".</p><p>We will see in the week. </p><p>Back to today Mozart plays. A shoulder joint of pork will go in the oven at 2 pm. I do like Sundays!</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-8814646393823268672023-11-29T19:25:00.001+00:002023-11-29T19:25:28.271+00:00Slumbering Change Before the Snow. <p>Greetings on this cold late November day. Actually it has been freezing all week and we're bracing ourselves for snow tomorrow. </p><p>Opera night is in full swing with Madame Butterfly and dinner is in the oven. Greek baked prawns with tomatoes, pepper, oregano and feta. Smells great. </p><p>You find me trying to shake off the latest autumn lurgy. Seem to have caught everything bar covid the last couple of months. </p><p>Despite that I'm making progress. A plan is afoot for change that I didn't seek. More an opportunity than an aspiration. I'm not very good at attention to detail but of the five hurdles I face in my operation three are complete. Sequential as they are I've needed to be unusually methodical in my approach.</p><p>The next hurdle will be faced at 11 am on Thursday next week. Then is my opportunity to talk and hopefully blow the audience away. Everyone believes I will smash it to use the parlance of today. </p><p>Before then though I have to deliver to a number of 6th form students on university, mental health and change. That's scheduled for Friday morning. Looking forward to that. </p><p>The weekend beckons, quite fancy Sunday lunch at The Waggoners. Last weekend I went to Borough Market which was sublime on Friday. The lunch at The Waggoners on Saturday. Sarah and I are booked there on 14th December, we want to catch the visiting Carol Singers.</p><p>Advent Sunday approaches; I get to hear the epic Low He Comes with Clouds Descending. One of the greatest hymns I know. </p><p>Take care.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-28465955763549006962023-11-19T10:39:00.003+00:002023-11-19T10:39:28.344+00:00Death of a Book Case.<p>When I first moved to this part of town in 2009 my very dubious landlord kitted out the flat. Cheap junk which just about summed him up. I had told him of my love for books. What I ended up with was a flimsy wobbly book case.</p><p>A move later to the flat I now own the book case came too. Then after having a pint more than was perhaps wise I lost my balance and crashed into it. The book case is dead and there are books everywhere!</p><p>Despite this calamity you find on a Sunday morning tired but good. </p><p>Things are afoot. A plan is in place. In a couple of weeks I must do the presentation of my life and shine. An interview is looming. And I'm good at interviews. But that can wait.</p><p>Today though is more sedate. Opera plays, belly pork is in the oven and a quiet day is underway. </p><p>Happy Sunday all.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-80382591003317773582023-10-29T12:33:00.003+00:002023-10-29T12:33:37.319+00:00The Loneliness of Being <p>I slept poorly again, my mood is low, it's pouring with rain and I wish I was back in bed. Today is not good. </p><p>Tired and hungry, not even the smell of roast beef has lightened my mood. </p><p>Sometimes living alone feels hopeless. That terrible adage of depression is that I desperately want to be with people but I desperately want to be alone. </p><p>My lovely friend Ruth did ring and Katie left a voice note but other than that no human contact today. My neighbour Leo is coming for lunch but that is making me anxious. </p><p>What has brought this on remains a mystery. The fall out of yesterday's post? A natural shift in mood downwards? The culprit may never be known but today being me is no fun.</p><p>I feel in need of a break but nothing on the horizon until Christmas. And that seems a long way away today. Stop the world I want to get off.</p><p>The sun in my life will rise again. Today, tomorrow, who knows. Wish it would hurry up.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-86612050915202035972023-10-28T14:16:00.003+01:002023-10-28T14:16:46.464+01:00The Dark Past.<p>You may be wondering where I have been the last few weeks. It's not that I didn't have anything to say but more how to say it.</p><p>The darkness came the Tuesday before last and things long buried and misunderstood came crashing out. It felt like the sky fell in.</p><p>A man at some point in the past settled in a French village. He was clever with words, was charismatic and had a penchant for bow ties. He used a local name. And back in the summer he disappeared. </p><p>If a stranger comes into my community for no apparent reason my question is what is he running from. </p><p>I know what that man was running from. And I know his real name.</p><p>My working life and my mental health life have exposed me to unimaginable darkness and danger at times. But I have very rarely met evil.</p><p>Stunned into silence by the news that the missing man had killed himself. My thoughts exploded and I didn't know what to do. Was he evil? I think he may well have been. One friend who is a priest had no qualms in stating he was glad of the death of another child abuser. </p><p>I don't know what to think. But what I do know is that I must go on as me and not be tainted by badness and the manipulation of one so absorbed by his own need.</p><p>I Heard a Voice </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-23430294421700243502023-10-14T14:39:00.001+01:002023-10-14T14:39:08.014+01:00Another Week Done.<p>The chill of autumn has arrived. The sun is shining and the air still. I like this time of year. </p><p>In my small world a very long working week is done. Tiring but it went well. </p><p>Tuesday marked World Mental Health Day which is very important to me. The team did their bit and I spoke out. It also marked the 10th anniversary of the publication of Charon's Ferry my second book. </p><p>My cold has finally lifted and I feel better. The weekend will be marked by good food. Last night there were Moroccan sardine balls with garlic, cumin and tomato sauce. Pan fried duck breast with a blackberry and cassis sauce is on offer tonight. And roast partridge tomorrow. </p><p>Bought a good bottle of Toscana to go with it all.</p><p>Have a great weekend if you can in this troubled world. </p><p>I Heard a Voice.</p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-48061933968106318992023-10-08T10:44:00.001+01:002023-10-08T10:44:33.214+01:00Late Summer, Early Autumn. <p>What a beautiful few days it has been. The warmth of summer in October autumn. You find me as I'm wont to be on a Sunday morning listening to opera and reading. </p><p>Despite the lovely weather I have been under the weather since Friday. A seasonal cold that is doing the rounds. But I will be fine. </p><p>Last week started off poorly. Sometimes I have to go to difficult meetings. But it got better. In the main part stemming from a call on Monday evening from my lovely friend Charlotte who has more or less been missing in action for nearly a year. Always lights up my day when we speak.</p><p>It was her birthday yesterday, would have been lovely to speak but it wasn't to be.</p><p>I make little comment on the current geopolitical situation our unstable world other than to mourn the losses all round. War is a terrible thing. </p><p>Such events are beyond my control. In my little world I'm enjoying the solitude, looking forward to roast lamb for lunch and a glass of Rioja. </p><p>Tonight I get to watch the Rams. </p><p>Have a good week all.</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-65922827591319325962023-09-23T16:30:00.003+01:002023-09-23T16:30:40.799+01:00That Autumn. <p>As the heat of summer dissipates, the days get shorter and a chill is in the air I always cast my mind back to the early autumn of 1988.</p><p>A lonely, clever but angry young man was in East Kent was preparing to go to Cambridge. I was kind of confident but fear also stalked me. Is it really 35 years since I was prepared for Selwyn?</p><p>Looking back now my life was already wracked with anxiety. That sense of struggling to fit in. That expectation that everyone piled on me. That weight I put on myself. That burden of others glorying in my achievements. </p><p>Oddly enough I have fond memories of that autumn. The truth when I got to Cambridge in October was that I spent a year desperately lonely, too frightened to make new friends, too uncomfortable at all the parties I was invited to because I played rugby. And too overwhelmed. </p><p>I got through though before another very lonely summer in 1989.</p><p>None of us can rewind the clock. 33 years of mental illness have punctuated my life. Cambridge came and went. I had a breakdown. I was locked up and eventually told I was untreatable. </p><p>Who would have known that was my fate? Other than as it transpired my cousin Cedric who years later told me he always knew I'd have a break. </p><p>On this quiet Saturday afternoon in my small part of Hertfordshire people view me as a wise man. Am I wise? Towards others maybe but towards me no. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p><p><br /></p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-40497191274864004262023-09-17T10:25:00.001+01:002023-09-17T10:25:32.637+01:00Sultry Saturday, Grey Sunday. <p>The shift from summer to autumn has come today. After some time of warm humid conditions a change is in the air. </p><p>You find me at home listening to Mozart's La Clemenza Di Tito and just taking things easy. </p><p>After my last post a couple of weeks ago mentally I've improved. Not flying but in a good place. </p><p>A lot of that has to do with Charlotte coming back into my life after months of deafening silence. </p><p>I've had enough people walk away from my life with no warning so it was hard having months of absence. </p><p>Whilst others hold me in high regard I do not. Always overthinking and second guessing myself I usually end up thinking I've done something terrible to others when actually it is usually issues they have and not me.</p><p>Having her back lights up my day even though life remains fraught with vulnerability for both of us. </p><p>I have decided to make a change over recent Sunday habits and eat this evening. This allows me a chance to have a pint in The White Horse at Welwyn. Been a while. </p><p>There will be roast duck leg with roast potatoes and vegetables tonight. Nice glass of Chianti with that.</p><p>Have a lovely Sunday everyone. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-67104680954201127082023-09-03T10:46:00.003+01:002023-09-03T10:46:51.239+01:00Sinking Fast.<p>Sunday morning with the sun shining. Madame Butterfly plays, some belly pork is in the oven and I'm trying to make sense of yesterday. </p><p>After several weeks of mental stability my mood fell through the floor. I've always said that we never remember how low we can get when doing well. But then it comes and the world sinks and descends into darkness. </p><p>It didn't hope that I was isolated most of the day and when I did go out the level of aggression and cocaine and testosterone mixed with alcohol by some of the people there threw me.</p><p>A day on I'm feeling better. A passing reminder that for all the alleged inspiration of my journey sometimes the darkness bites back. </p><p>Not seen anyone today yet but I will later. I must admit I'm looking forward to my lunch. </p><p>The holiday is drawing to an end. Sixteen years ago today I started at the university. What a long time ago that was.</p><p>With that I take my leave of you all. Promise me you will all look after your mental health; it's very precious and can be fragile. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-41813726643826590372023-09-01T10:45:00.001+01:002023-09-01T10:45:48.830+01:00A Year Older.<p>Greetings on a grey autumnal day. Summer is over and there is chill in the air.</p><p>There are but a few days left of my summer holiday. I've been to Kent, I've been to London and I have generally indulged.</p><p>On Wednesday I turned 54. Miriam took me out to lunch at The Waggoners. Beautiful food, beautiful day.</p><p>It has been good to be off. Not much planned today except get a phone upgrade. That fills me with anxiety. I have no idea how to get on the WiFi at home. Neither do I know passwords to get on things. Do they still offer to transfer apps, messages and pictures? Too many questions and too much fear.</p><p>Over the weekend I will cook and I will sort. Beef short rib tomorrow and roast belly pork on Sunday. </p><p>My final day off is Monday. It has gone so quickly. The autumn and winter will be hard, I will only have 4 days leave to us excluding Christmas which I've already booked. </p><p>Have a great weekend everyone. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-20113406668804444332023-08-23T14:48:00.000+01:002023-08-23T14:48:04.042+01:00Pickled Fig and Caramelised Goat's Cheese. <p>The sun show on us as we strolled along the beach this morning. I've escaped for my annual summer holiday to Kent. Dad and I took refreshments at The Waterfront. An E Type Jaguar was parked outside. I know little of cars but I knew that was special. </p><p>Dad is now playing bowls and I have been a man of leisure. Stunning lunch of caramelised goat's cheese with pickled figs and prosciutto with some local English fizz at The Truffle Pig then shopping for the planned roast beef tonight. </p><p>Two years ago today my life changed. A 25 minute interview, a 10 minute break then the call that allowed me to finally escape the university. </p><p>Who could have known the tormented and tumultuous journey that ensued but I don't regret any of it.</p><p>Today I'm still standing, still thinking, still making a difference and still just being me.</p><p>My journey back from the seaside is sadly tomorrow but I don't have to work until 5th September. </p><p>Enjoy your summer!</p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061454582916085092.post-8417263239266923642023-08-13T12:10:00.001+01:002023-08-13T15:34:53.377+01:00A Sigh of Relief. <p>Haydn plays as this Sunday morning slips into Sunday afternoon. You find me home alone. The flat feels tranquil after the high tension of last week. </p><p>Last time I was on here my life was lonely and frightening. Sudden urgent health referrals will unsettle anyone. And I was unsettled. </p><p>On Friday I went into hospital for a procedure that we hoped would bring clarity. The NHS staff were amazing. By 12.50 pm I was home relieved and exhausted. Whilst we still don't know what is wrong with me we do know what it isn't. There is no sign of the feared tumour. </p><p>Uncomfortable though the rest of Friday was, they warned me about abdominal pain, the relief was huge. Mentally the dark clouds that had enveloped me lifted.</p><p>So the weekend commenced. My friend Emma and her family have been visiting. Friday we dined on Malaysian food. Yesterday we went to St Albans, lovely Greek lunch, a wander in the market, going around the Abbey and then a couple of beers. </p><p>They are picking me up from home to lunch at The Waggoners before they return to Kent. Roast beef it is.</p><p>I only have a week of work until my summer holiday. Well needed. </p><p>I Heard a Voice. </p>I Heard a Voicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09106469635502713327noreply@blogger.com0