A book caught my eye in Waterstones this afternoon. Not for its title or its cover, I can remember neither. But rather for the name of the author. I will not publish that name on here for she wouldn't have wanted that. My friend was known to the public as Izzi. I knew her by her real name which she shared with the author who caught my eye.
More than two years have gone by since Izzi's sudden, tragic death at the age of 32. I do not know why she died or what happened other than she had a sudden cardiac arrest and never recovered.
Today struck a real chord and hit me hard. I miss her terribly. We communicated pretty much every day. She was from the world of the mad and as such we collectively have a sense of who we are, distinct from others. My philosophy of recovery, and it is a philosophy not a model, is that we need to move aware from that unitary identity and move towards a multi faceted identity. To an extent Izzi and I were in the latter group. Yet as we all know it is so easy to slip back into the world of the mad when the going gets tough.
Having had two pretty good days post move when it felt like my recovery was beginning to stir I came back down to earth today. Poor sleep, nasty dreams about mum and early waking left me consumed by anxiety and mood sinking fast.
It is not a good day. I have wandered around in a daze most of the day. Town was just town in the bitter, windy, snowy world that has taken over this normally wet part of Europe. Spring allegedly starts today but someone forgot to tell the weather systems.
As I noted yesterday we haven't been as badly affected here as some places it remains pretty grim out there. I long for a thaw so I can get in my car again and drive somewhere in the country. That will not happen until next week.
The appointment I have tomorrow was confirmed in writing this morning. It does not state who it is with but I'm hoping the feelers I put out have helped. All will be revealed. My friend Ellie who has known me for forty years thinks it is a reaction to bad circumstances, low mood, anxiety and general downbeat rather than a relapse in more complex condition. What I do know is that we may need to adjust medication and at least try to do something that combats the anxiety that has increasingly ravaged my life recently. That that might be CBT does not fill me with a lot of hope, been there done that.
Even I am pretty resigned to the fact that having been so anti therapy for many years, the scars of previous disasters are still visible, I do think I need someone to talk to. There are a whole load of competing components to this lengthy setback. I will bounce back but how long will it take? That will be revealed when it is revealed.
And so I leave you on this snowy cold day. It's been some years since the UK was this cold. Take care out there.
I Heard a Voice.
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