Friday 30 March 2018

Lost in Emptiness.

When I was singing I quite liked the Good Friday service. For those not in the know Good Friday marks the day of Christ's crucifixion. It is a very Holy day for Christians in what is known as Holy Week. On Sunday the resurrection is marked by a cascade of upbeat celebratory music. Music still plays a huge part in my life ever if I don't sing or play anymore.

A couple of years ago on this day I rose early and caught the train to Cambridge to go to King's. I specifically wanted to hear Allegri's Miserere and Lotti's Crucifixus. I was sadly disappointed that they only sang an abridged version of the Allegri and it was not very good and they didn't do the Lotti at all. Searching on YouTube yesterday for a suitable recording to listen today I discovered that King's shortening the piece was not a one off but their normal effort now. Not really what I would expect of arguably the greatest choir of its type in the world. What is the musical world coming to?

I did listen to both pieces as is my wont. Now I have no idea what to do with my day. In truth I'm not feeling great. Having had a better few days the low mood, tiredness and lack of motivation have come back. It was a struggle to eat anything at lunch time. That sense of nausea that sometimes comes with fear and suppressed appetite has been noticeable today.

The thought of shutting out the world is enticing today. But I don't think that is a good idea. What to do though? Empty days are never much fun. A sense of nothing is unnerving but hardly a new experience for me. All the signs were pointing to getting better so a bad day now upsets the rhythm that I had hoped I was building up. Let us hope it is just an abberration. Tomorrow is another day so I fight through today and accept that it is going to happen. Brighter days will come, I just need to be patient.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 28 March 2018

A Muddled Text.

How do I forget that day? Do I want to forget that day? Will that day change as time goes by? Time has gone by and still I recall. That day was warm and sunny. Today is cold and wet. I had stepped out between meetings to smoke a cigarette. Nothing was untoward other than the chaos and intensity of my working life.

Switching on my phone a garbled, muddled and broken text came through from dad. It told me mum was in hospital after swimming. You may well ask why on earth an 80 year old woman was swimming in the cold English Channel in March. But that was mum, she swam all year round. Part of the text was missing. I rang dad on both his phones to no avail.

Hurrying home via posting stuff to my landlord Miriam rang in a confused state. She too had had a garbled message. When I got home I rang the hospital. They told me to come straight away and not to drive. I was there within two hours. The following day they switched off the respirator and mum died peacefully never having regained consciousness.

That was six years ago and once again I battle my emotion as I recall so much. This is never an easy day. Residing now in my new flat and worrying about the future and when I'm finally going to get back to reality after the last few months I must allow myself a day to recall and mourn.

Later I will call dad and Miriam. For now as I always do I will listen to my requiems, avoid the world and remember. I had a brief foray in the rain earlier but now it is just a time of reminiscence.

The years pass so quickly. I'm hurtling with alarming speed towards 50. Will my fifties be different? Better? Calmer? My recent setbacks make me yearn for some stability. That may come in the form of going back to some sort of therapy. The lead psychologist rang yesterday and we spoke at some length. We're hatching a plan. Let us hope it is fruitful. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Monday 26 March 2018

The Warmth of Spring.

The air is warm and bright. The blossom is on the trees and the birds are singing. Have we finally turned that corner into spring? I have hinted at that question before but each time I do it turns sour, the cold comes and we are gripped by winter madness. There is a rumour of more to come this weekend. Let's hope not.

With the coming of spring I always struggle for a few days after the clocks go forward. I right myself in time but it makes me feel uneasy for a while. I'm trying today to take stock on where I am. Physically and mentally. Physically I'm still at home which is disappointing. Mentally I feel in a limbo land of neither good nor bad, just a lonely nothing. My motivation is still low, getting out of bed remains an extreme effort, and I am battling with all the mental elements of recent months.

Why this is still happening this far down the line is not clear. I should be better by now. The boredom of nothing that I knew so well for so many years haunts me in the background. Yet I can see the wisdom of getting it right.

My intention is to speak to the nice lady GP who has been helping me tomorrow evening. We have a telephone appointment booked. I know I will need to ask for another note but mentally it feels harder to do that after all these weeks. The sense of fraud and failure is never far away.

Yet daily life continues. I'm maintaining the flat far better than I ever did the old one. I'm back in the kitchen and if you believe the comments of my friends I'm cooking good food. I'm eating again although with that comes weight gain. All areas point to progress in the right direction. I'm just impatient that I haven't made further inroads into the darkness of recent months.

In the wider world the fall out from the nerve agent attack in Salisbury continues apace. Miriam recently told me as a child she was terrified of nuclear war. I never believed it would happen and didn't fret about. Today though the world seems as uncertain and unstable as at any point in my life. Why does man wish to go on such a route of destruction? A world of tolerance and respect seems infinitely preferable to this distrust and retaliation. It makes me nervous.

I am but a small part of that world and so have very little influence. All I can do is strive to live and behave in a civilised and tolerant way. That I'm flawed shows how hard that is. Emotion can be a dangerous thing. But we cannot get away from it. Being away from the day to day of work would I hope keep that emotion less volatile. Equilibrium seems a wonderful ideal. But I guess none of us ever get there consistently.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 24 March 2018

A Day of Staunch Resistance.

Temptation was all around me today. Should I buy a bottle of Pimm's as it is Boat Race day? Do I buy the bottle of Barolo that is on offer? Should I go for a nice pub lunch at The Waggoners? In fact I did none of the aforementioned sins and resisted in a fine manner. Given my profligacy of recent weeks and months I need to make a stand somewhere and cut back somewhat.

Having resisted such delights I wandered home, had a chicken and cucumber sandwich for lunch, put on Classic FM and am now contemplating things domestic. My determination to keep on top of things in the new flat gets me down sometimes but I do have a feeling of virtuosity when I have completed a task or two.

Of far more interest to me are my exploits in the kitchen. I defrosted my shin of beef and it is now marinating in red wine, garlic, thyme, rosemary and bay ready for a slow cook of beef bourguignan later. Richard is coming to join me for that one. Tomorrow there is roast pork, more guests will sample my adventures.

Who will win the Boat Race today? I haven't really been following so I don't know what the form is. What I do know is that it is too cold and dull to start the Pimm's season as I traditionally do on such a day. Will wait until the sun comes out.

A thought crossed my mind this morning which has made me feel a little sad. My friend James is getting married in September and I was trying to work out logistics of somewhere to stay. Then it struck me that I cannot go as it coincides with my dinner in Cambridge. And the planned to trip to the Oval. Why does it all have to happen on the same weekend? Actually I suspect Charlie will have to forgo the cricket as well as he is best man.

I will leave you now to enjoy your weekend. Cheering for Cambridge starts around 4.30 with women's race then the men are on around 5.30. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Thursday 22 March 2018

Unsettled Nights, Where are the Warm Days?

We were promised a nice warm day today. Absolutely no sign of that here. True the wintry stuff of the weekend does not look imminent but I was hoping for a walk in the sunshine. I'm doing okay though I think. Well at least during the day.

The nights are another matter. My precious sleep remains uneven, wracked with anxiety and some disturbing dreams. I feel life is progressing aside from that. But that always remains a fear that can scuttle the whole ship.

I had been feeling as if a return next week might be possible. Finally managed to meet my manager on Tuesday. It was very helpful but it became clear that until we have a coherent plan on what we need to change that return will be delayed. So back to taking a step at a time and trying not to succumb to the numbing boredom that two months of inactivity and illness brings us. That said we will both think about a plan. I'm pleased it has been recognised that things couldn't go on the way they were. Just a little disappointed I'm not there yet.

The evening brought dinner with Jo. We did have such a lovely evening, ribs, coriander chicken and crispy shredded beef. It was yet another reminder of how lucky I am to have such good friends.

Back in the flat I have The Magic Flute on, I have made a Thai green curry paste and am contemplating whether I can summon up the energy and motivation to do some cleaning. On the balance of probability unlikely I think. The days do sometimes merge into one when there is no structure. It is so easy just to stare at the TV while the hours of my life tick away.

You may have noticed that I completely failed to mention the Ashes over the winter in Australia. England were comprehensively thumped but that wasn't really why I didn't mention it. More that I didn't see any of it as it was on a channel I didn't have at the time. England returned to the Test arena in the early hours of this morning and were battered by New Zealand to the tune of 58 all out. What is going on?

As the days warm it will not be too long until the cricket returns here. I can't go this year as the day Charlie got tickets coincides with my 30th anniversary dinner in Cambridge. 40 years in September since I went to King's. Does that make me old or distinguished? Not sure on that one.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 18 March 2018

Spartan Sparcity Along the Seafront.

On another bitterly cold day I braved the seafront with dad. Only the brave or fool hardy would do so on such a day. I have yet to work out which we are. Whilst not quite deserted it was pretty spartan out there with few others souls venturing forth. The flurries of snow kept up all the way yet even in the gloom of recurring winter the sea kept its promise to me as a place to escape.

My time in Kent is coming to an end. Did it serve its purpose? I think it helped. My mind is calmer and clearer. How long that will last as the next few days pass is unknown. I need to go back to my reality the week after. That time by necessity should be more limited than before. It should be quieter as we approach Easter. But will the fear overwhelm me?

That is however for another day. As is my wont on a Sunday a roast dinner was required. And the roast beef I cooked at lunch time was exceedingly good. I'm sure the quality of the meat helped. And dad's oven is far better for roast potatoes than mine. So we were utterly contented.

Miriam battled her way home through the snow which was a relief. I know she was anxious about it and I certainly didn't envy her that journey. Hoping the trains are just a straight forward tomorrow.

There are things to do when I get back. ECG on Tuesday. Dentist Wednesday. And on some day not yet decided I must meet Lena. Let us hope it is a nice week and I can return in an upbeat and optimistic mood rather than the frightened, jaded experience of recent weeks.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 17 March 2018

Bitter Cold and Bitter Chocolate.

Well that didn't last very long did it? After the glorious seaside spring day of yesterday bitter cold, biting winds and snow have taken over today. When will this end? It didn't entirely put paid to dad's birthday lunch but more than half of us couldn't make it.

So through flurries and gusts the three of us headed on the brief walk to the restaurant and indulged ourselves in much decadence. A jamon and manchego cheese salad to start followed by roast loin of pork in an apple and brandy sauce followed up supremely by bitter dark chocolate pot with a mandarin sorbet. All that washed down with a very dry local white wine. I'm not much of a chocolate person but when I do have it it has to be dark and bitter. And that it was just like the atmosphere outside.

The chocolate theme continued as we adjourned to Hendrick's after for Malbec and nibbles. It is perhaps dad's favourite place so if you are ever in Hythe do pay them a visit, it is right next door to The King's Head.

Back at the flat we watched England once again lose at rugby and look inept. What a day for the Irish, a Grand Slam at Twickenham on St Patrick's Day. I suspect many places could run out of Guinness today.

Away from observations on the cold world where am I at? Mood is a bit nothing. The anxiety is at bay. I'm with nice people so I guess today goes down as a nice day. Being away does let me mind drift away from daily troubles. They will all still be there when I go home but for now I try to live in the moment.

I don't think the snow will wreck my travel plans. The intention is to go home on Monday. Let's hope it is all gone by then. Do be careful out there in these treacherous conditions.

I Heard a Voice.

Friday 16 March 2018

Walking on the Beach.

One of the great joys of returning to Kent is that I get to walk along the beach. Breathing the air, smelling the sea, hearing the wind. There is something very soothing about that. True I have seen many storms, snow falls and bitter chaos here but I return for peace and today I got it.

Just over two months on from the plummet into darkness I am glimpsing the light more often. The anxiety comes some days, the low pointless despair of depression still comes at me, and the eternal battles for sleep wears on me. But today I feel okay. Okay and not guilty.

I feel I'm moving closer to a return. People down here are pleased to see me and that serves to bolster my sometimes flagging self worth. When depressed we are so unworthy of being loved it seems utter madness that anyone should care. But if anything come has come out of my recent setbacks it is the reminder that so many people in my life do care. What I have to do now is find some self care.

This afternoon I caught up with Beth. So nice to see her. The last time we met was the day of dad's fall and that terrifying night in A&E. I took lunch in a highly recommended French cafe, very good. I did some shopping then had tea with Beka. I'm looking forward to seeing Miriam later.

The warnings of snow tomorrow will I hope come to nothing. On this lovely sunny spring day, with clear skies and a hint of warmth makes snow sound a million miles away. Haven't we had enough? We should be indulging in lighter, warmer and brighter times. The Boat Race is nearly upon us so may have to buy some Pimm's. Actually threw some away when clearing my old flat. Silly really with the season round the corner. But with my mind in dark places and my life in turmoil such decadent delights did not enter my thinking.

Enjoy this glorious day whilst the light holds. Walking by the sea has uplifted me for at least today. May tomorrow be equally uplifting. Stir fried prawns with chilli and basil will grace out table tonight. Dad forgot he doesn't eat meat on Fridays in Lent so the plan of pan fried duck breasts will have to wait a while longer.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 14 March 2018

Has it Really Sprung?

Two days on from a dreadful wet, cold and miserable day the sun is out, it's warm and the world is looking a brighter place. Is this the day we can truly say spring has sprung? From what I hear though it could be short lived, rumours of more snow abound.

What do I make of this day? Well it was very hard to get out of bed. No motivation at all to consider either of my plans, the bus to St Albans or the train to Borough Market. Some days it simply can't be done. So as I'm starting my third month off am I any better? I'm certainly bored. I want to do things but find myself instead wandering aimlessly. It is most difficult to do when there is no motivation. Thus I wandered the streets again, spent some money, had some lunch and came home again. For what? I don't really know.

You find me now at home listening to Radio 3 and waiting for Choral Evensong to commence. The big news of the day is that the much loved physicist Stephen Hawking died today. I never met him but on many an occasion had to sidestep his wheelchair on the streets of Cambridge as his guides were usually so engrossed in their love and admiration for him they forgot to look out for the path ahead. He actually lived over the road from Selwyn when I was there.

Cambridge is but a life time away as my battles continue. My dream of one day going back remains and probably will remain just a dream. As I wandered today up near where I used to live I reflected on my now just over a decade in Hertfordshire. Back then I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights. And now? I just feel jaded. I desperately want to go back to normality and with luck will do soon but the fear is all around.

My much trumpeted weakness and failure that I espouse on here sometimes can take me over. The odd reminder comes that I was once good at my trade. I was reminded of that on Monday when my former student Krishna rang. She calls me her little Buddha, the wise man who guides her in troubled times. But who guides me in troubled times? My friends have been great but I need to find something concrete and long lasting to continue. Hopefully that will come from the Psychology team when I hear from them.

Pastures new await tomorrow. With luck at this time I will be strolling along the sea front lapping up all the goodness that that brings. I look forward to seeing dad and Miriam. Beka too on Saturday. And my cousin Cedric and his partner Barbara. That should all be good.

Next message from the seaside.

I Heard a Voice.

Monday 12 March 2018

Wet Days, Sleepless Days, What's Happening Days?

The fields are submerged, the verges are lakes and the clouds heavy with rain. It has not been a nice day here. Given that it is now officially spring I did not expect such a cold wet Monday. I did not have a good start, struggled to get to sleep then woke early again. Feeling low and irritated looking out did nothing to brighten my mood. As a result I'm not sure what to make of my day.

I did have a brief foray out in the rain, needed light bulbs. Yes I've been here only two week and already two bulbs have blown. The curtain rail in the living room fell apart when I pulled them back, the boiler is showing worrying trends well known from the previous place and the palatial initial view of my new place is quickly dimming.

That said though I'm making progress. Council tax and water now sorted. By my reckoning I will be about £90 worse off here than before. Not great but nowhere near as bad as I feared. I'm looking into updating my driving license, God they want a lot of information, and my car registration document. Then all the tedious little things will have been done.

Today's intention was to meet my friend Mala for lunch. However her schedule changed so we have had to postpone until an as yet unknown date in the future. So what to do? I don't really know.

Time keeps ticking by and that empty sense that depression brings keeps telling me I'm wasting time and my life. I feel bad for not being back at work but until a proper plan has been worked out I'm not going to take the risk. There will no doubt be more flak from people who do not understand but I put up with that for years so what is a few weeks? I will make it in the end.

Suppose I'd better get in with the driving license form so see you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 11 March 2018

Splintered and Fractured, the Dreams are Back.

Whilst the world takes his and her and its mother out for lunch today I am at home listening to Cosi fan Tutte and avoiding that realm that is Facebook. The annual jamboree that is Mothers' Day is underway and I will keep a low profile. Never a day I liked much anyway, now that mum has been gone nearly six years it is a day I would rather forget.

The promising sunny start has given way to another gloomy and dark day. It is warm which is a relief. I'm trying to work out what to do with myself. The night's sleep was splintered and fractured by bizarre and at times disturbing dreams. My pattern has shifted from that of late. Struggling to sleep ever since I discovered I had to move yesterday it was back to normal and I felt refreshed. My day then was pretty good if you exclude England's dire performance in Paris and West Ham's disgraceful scenes at the London stadium. I met up with my friend Karen from work and we had a lovely chat.

In the evening I spent time with friends in the pub and extended invitations to roast chicken today. Then the come down of morning. My friends cancelled dinner and to be honest I was relieved. Not really in the entertaining mood.

But that gets me no further on what to do now. If I go out there will be nowhere to sit down after the aforementioned Mothers' Day. Maybe a walk will do me good after the opera.

A couple of weeks lie between me and a return to reality. It all seems pretty daunting and is seeping into my thinking at times. But of course I must get there and see how we manage. My friend Lisa who has been off longer than me is planning a return tomorrow. I wish her well.

On Thursday I think I will get the train to Kent. Dad's birthday is approaching on Saturday and it will be good to get back down to the sea and walk on the shore hearing the wind, the waves, the gulls. Will I ever return for good? The thought is tempting but my recent move compels at least for the time being to stay put here in Hertfordshire.

As parting note my thoughts go out to you all who like me might find this day difficult. Seeing signs of what once was is not always pleasant or kind. Memories are stirred and not always quenched. Take care on this day.

I Heard a Voice.

Friday 9 March 2018

Country Lanes on a Drizzly Afternoon.

The afternoon was dull and wet. It is Friday, my nothing mood continues and trying to summon up the energy and motivation to do anything remains a problem. It is the third day of nothing. But today that nothing had a small plan and nothing became something.

Sarah returned to work recently after being unwell. She is doing a phased return as I will when the time is right and a plan is in place. Finishing at 1 pm we met up and drove through the gloom down difficult country lanes to the wonderful Brocket Arms for lunch. A proper old country pub in the middle of the woods I occasionally visit for a beer and a sandwich. Today though we ate well. A beautiful venison pie accompanied by the ale brewed especially for them. And a warm fire. It is like going back in time.

A couple of pleasant hours away from it all in the good company with good food has to be a winner. It was pretty wet coming back and my aversion to country tracks heightened my anxiety but we found our way back and parted for home mid afternoon.

Another week is therefore done. The plan to meet my boss yesterday did not take place as she is still unwell. We hope to meet next week instead. So with that not complete with some reluctance I went back to the GP and requested another note. I feel bad and guilty but nothing can be worse than going back and having another setback.

No doubt people will continue to hassle me about it. I guess it is just something to say but given how much I fight myself at these times I do not need others to condemn me for my failures.

The visit to Kent next week has I think been brought forward. Possibly Thursday and come home Monday. There are no trains on Sunday so that would be a pain.

Have a good weekend everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

Tuesday 6 March 2018

Another Face in a Thinning Crowd.

I felt I needed to escape for a few hours today. As has often been the case in recent weeks just getting out of bed took a supreme effort. But I did get up and caught the 11.24 am from Welwyn Garden City to London.

Getting on the tube I headed to old haunts in the West End. In years gone by Charing Cross Road was a mecca for book lovers like me. Now many of the shops are shut. Replaced by chain restaurants and as yet incomplete regeneration it is a shadow of the place I knew back in 1994 during my tarry in a psychiatric hospital in London.

Also different but only much more recently is the huge decrease in the number of people out and about. Have the terrorist atrocities of recent times kept the crowds at bay? I have noticed it on all my most recent trips to town.

As ever in town I'm just another face. The crowd may be thinning but I doubt anyone noticed me as I aimlessly wandered, a shadow and ghost of what I once was, and unknowing as to what is to come.

My most recent setbacks mentally have gone on longer than any previous relapse since 2001. Am I any further on than I was last week? Probably not. I had a good day on Sunday. Less so yesterday. And today I feel lost.

People keep commenting on why I'm not at work. All those snide remarks of the past had I hoped been put to bed. But still people comment. It is demoralising and makes me feel even more of a fraud than I feel anyway. The temptation to hide away is great. Yet I must keep going.

What awaits me and how long it will take is a mystery at the moment. It's been too long in the land of darkness. Where is the light?

I can take solace in the fact that the snow has gone and I'm mobile again. I'm hoping to drive to Hatfield to meet my manager on Thursday. She is full of flu so it may yet be postponed. It has been nearly an entire term since I have been off. I have forgotten so much, people, systems but not the expectation. That I beat myself with. The curse of mental illness is to do everything possible to sabotage what might be to stay stuck in the familiar darkness. Please let tomorrow be better.

See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 3 March 2018

Struggling to Function.

After feeling somewhat more upbeat in a flat sort of a way yesterday I woke back down to earth. I felt very low, the world seemed pointless and it took all my emotional strength merely to get out of bed. By that stage it was nearly lunch time.

Motivation is at zero but I have things to do so will have to force myself. What I really want to do is hide away from everyone and everything and switch the world off for a while. That's not an option though.

Why this should come on me now I do not know. At around this time last week we had nearly completed the move to the new flat. Certainly there is more order in my life now. But I feel stymied by the grim, off white landscape that is outside. It would be nice to get out but where? It looks somewhat warmer so I'm hoping the thaw is under way. Do I risk going out in the cold or escape the world of prying eyes and ears and write today off?

Worries of what is to come are slowly whispering to me. I feel I must go back soon but am I up to it? I bumped into a colleague yesterday. It was lovely to see her and her usual smile and upbeat nature was very evident. A keen advocate of yoga and meditation she seems to handle the demands of the work far better than me.

I need to do some cleaning this afternoon. And a little more unpacking. My CDs and DVDs are still elsewhere although I think I will wait for the thaw before doing that. I could put on an opera. A spot of culture might enlighten the gloom. The football match I have on at the moment is the best of a bad lot on my hundreds of channels. I have no interest in it at all.

If I can find some motivation from somewhere I will try to get back in the kitchen tonight. Have the rest of my prawns to use up. No idea what to do with them though.

On that note I will sign off. Sorry to be so negative today, it is just one of those days I would rather forget.

I Heard a Voice.

Friday 2 March 2018

Obscuring the Sun and the Moon.

The great merging of two bitterly cold weather fronts from the east and the southwest has brought chaos to my little insignificant island on the northwestern edges of Europe. The southwest and Wales and Ireland took the brunt of the latter front in snow storms not seen for many a year.

My little town has now succumbed to the fury of the conflagration of cold and it all looks pretty bleak and treacherous out there. I'm ensconced indoors in the warm. We haven't seen the sun today and sadly the full moon tonight will be completely obscured.

For my part I have done a few things today and managed to stay out of the worst of it. I woke too early in fear and anticipation of my psychiatrist appointment this morning. So wary am I my anxiety was telling me it would be not even that but some other practitioner who would merely send me in the direction of the Wellbeing Team and I would have not progressed much.

When it came down to it though it was an old friend. Ako as I call him has known me since the very early days. I taught him on the MSc in Psychiatric Practice and have regularly conversed with him about students. So pleasing to see someone who not only knows me but believes me and has read the book.

We talked as one practitioner to another, respecting our knowledge and working together to find a way forward. I was able to communicate just how crippling my anxiety has been in recent years, the fear of losing Risperidone and of the many myriad of problems that impact on my life, each manageable in themselves but combining to a devastating meltdown of a once confident ex psychiatric patient. Now I suppose I am that again.

A referral is being made to the lead psychologist to try that route first. We have a back up medication plan driven partly by his belief that at some stage Trimipramine will be taken off the market. Coming away I felt listened to, respected and relieved.

Is it a backward step? Or is it something I should have done a long time ago? What I do know is that pulling strings probably helped, they acknowledged I have some expertise and ultimately want to help me. And with that I'm pleased.

So at the end of a cold, stormy and snowy week I have made it to Friday evening. I think I have the motivation to cook if not eat much. To Spain I go, prawns with garlic, chilli and sherry, a warm potato salad dressed with spring onions, olive oil and sherry vinegar and a simple healthy salad of tomatoes, roasted red peppers and cucumber. Sadly I don't have any Albarino to go with it.

As I have said before, take care in this cold and ice and remember that whilst it may be obscured the mighty full moon will rules over us tonight.

I Heard a Voice.

Thursday 1 March 2018

Flash of Memory, Remembering my Dead.

A book caught my eye in Waterstones this afternoon. Not for its title or its cover, I can remember neither. But rather for the name of the author. I will not publish that name on here for she wouldn't have wanted that. My friend was known to the public as Izzi. I knew her by her real name which she shared with the author who caught my eye.

More than two years have gone by since Izzi's sudden, tragic death at the age of 32. I do not know why she died or what happened other than she had a sudden cardiac arrest and never recovered.

Today struck a real chord and hit me hard. I miss her terribly. We communicated pretty much every day. She was from the world of the mad and as such we collectively have a sense of who we are, distinct from others. My philosophy of recovery, and it is a philosophy not a model, is that we need to move aware from that unitary identity and move towards a multi faceted identity. To an extent Izzi and I were in the latter group. Yet as we all know it is so easy to slip back into the world of the mad when the going gets tough.

Having had two pretty good days post move when it felt like my recovery was beginning to stir I came back down to earth today. Poor sleep, nasty dreams about mum and early waking left me consumed by anxiety and mood sinking fast.

It is not a good day. I have wandered around in a daze most of the day. Town was just town in the bitter, windy, snowy world that has taken over this normally wet part of Europe. Spring allegedly starts today but someone forgot to tell the weather systems.

As I noted yesterday we haven't been as badly affected here as some places it remains pretty grim out there. I long for a thaw so I can get in my car again and drive somewhere in the country. That will not happen until next week.

The appointment I have tomorrow was confirmed in writing this morning. It does not state who it is with but I'm hoping the feelers I put out have helped. All will be revealed. My friend Ellie who has known me for forty years thinks it is a reaction to bad circumstances, low mood, anxiety and general downbeat rather than a relapse in more complex condition. What I do know is that we may need to adjust medication and at least try to do something that combats the anxiety that has increasingly ravaged my life recently. That that might be CBT does not fill me with a lot of hope, been there done that.

Even I am pretty resigned to the fact that having been so anti therapy for many years, the scars of previous disasters are still visible, I do think I need someone to talk to. There are a whole load of competing components to this lengthy setback. I will bounce back but how long will it take? That will be revealed when it is revealed.

And so I leave you on this snowy cold day. It's been some years since the UK was this cold. Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.