Having spent several days enduring the desolation of nothing and emptiness my mind decided to explode back into action just as I went to bed last night. Fear and worry with a cascade of thoughts. What followed when finally I went to sleep was violent terrorising dreams. Dreams of destruction and torment.
The following morning when I woke late there seemed just ruins. The mind has slowed but the wreckage of bad sleep pervades my waking. My mood remains low, I have to force myself to cook and eat, the thought of structure and purpose is sadly lacking.
Running short of a few things I headed off to the Oriental Store in Hatfield to resupply. An over eager traffic warden tried to ticket me in the two minutes it took me to get to and from the ticket machine. They didn't have all I wanted but there was sufficient.
Back in the home town I was tempted by that old fallacy that spending will bring me happiness. I didn't and it doesn't.
At the flat Haydn plays and I recuperate from my exertions. It is cold, grey and miserable out so will be in for the duration. My mental outlook seems cold, grey and miserable. I look in the mirror and see a ghost, worn, grey, haggard, a personality and life rubbed out by the eraser of depression.
I know that given time I will get better. I just do not want any more of those terrible night time challenges. In daylight however dark it seems so pointless. How can a mindset of despair ravage a middle aged man in the privilege of the West? Why, why, why? I keep asking myself that.
An advantage of being at home though is that I can see re runs of Rick Stein's French Odyssey which are playing. Whilst French was far from my greatest skill at school I have learned to love France from afar and how food is central to their culture. I have been many times, twice to sing, once on an exchange at school-I hated it-and also for a holiday that fateful summer all those years ago when my life fell apart. There have also been many trips on ferries to buy cigarettes when I smoked. Perhaps one day I will go back. Ros speaks very highly of her trips to Brittany.
I retire now to my Haydn, my silence and my untamed mind. Please enjoy the day despite the gloom, one day the sun will come back.
I Heard a Voice.
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