Hiding in the Darkness.

A few summers ago dad and I went on holiday to Spain. Madrid, Salamanca and Toledo. On that trip I read the wonderful book Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig. On the face of it another man battling with depression. Someone close to home once wrote a very similar book; me. Unlike me Matt Haig is a successful author and his book was a bestseller. A worthy book though. In it he described adding anxiety to depression as like giving cocaine to an alcoholic. I've never tried cocaine but I get the message. It is crippling.

The recent downturn in my mental state has in large parts been without that anxiety. True when I last posted on Tuesday it had been very bad but in the main it has been conspicuous in its absence. But just as I thought I was getting better it comes and blows me away.

Waking late I was overtaken by terror. What of? I do not know. All I wanted to do was hide in the darkness under my duvet and run away from the world. It was huge fight to get up but eventually I did. To what? Another grey dank day and not much cheer.

With the exception of bumping into my old friend Michael and having tea at his house today has been a complete write off. And the prospects do not look good. The thought of an alarm going off on Monday morning, getting up, going in and ploughing through the hundreds of e mails I will find is absolutely overwhelming at this point.

It seemed so much better yesterday. What will the rest of the weekend bring? I had made it back into the kitchen but can think of little worse than doing that now. When I stop cooking I know I'm in trouble. Perhaps last night was too early to reduce my medication back to normal levels. Will I have to go to the GP next week? If I do what will I say? Mentally despite my ongoing fears I have done quite well in recent months.

Once a service user always a service user. Anyone in the business that I tell I'm on Risperidone always says "for how long?" Why is that relevant? I need it. And today I need lots of it. Go away world I don't want to see you today.

Alas I cannot just switch that off however enticing it seems. Life goes on hour by hour, day by day and week by week. I will fight back but today goodness and happiness seem a distant memory.

I Heard a Voice.