Sunday 7 January 2018

Desolate and Empty.

The view in my world today is not good. Emptiness and desolation pervades all I view. The darkness came back in force last night. I thought I had beaten it but it was a temporary diversion from where I was. My medication is a powerful force in my life to use wisely. I have needed it the last few days.

The price to pay though is a mental knockout that leaves me with nothing. Nothing to see, nothing to hear, nothing to feel. And that is a difficult place to be.

Waking late and un-refreshed I toyed all morning with what to do on the morrow. The original plan was going back into the fray to keep going. But it was clear by mid afternoon that was just an impossible dream. And so I sent the e mail and text that keeps me in my emptiness for a few days. The response was mercifully positive. Take that time.

I don't want to speak to anyone today. I will only eat because I have to. The Magic Flute plays at its normal level but is largely unheard.

Some time was taken watching the Rams from last night. Their first playoff game since 2004 ended ingloriously with a defeat at home. I am not surprised. I never bought into the Super Bowl hype. A big learning experience and given the futility of recent years a triumph none the less.

In the morning I have to put up with another visitor, an electrician coming to do a check. It has been done twice in two years so why again? Couldn't they instead send someone to change the boiler? That would be far more helpful. So I limp on on this cold day not knowing if and when it will finally give up the ghost.

My last year promise of limiting my posts has not quite carried on. I blog more when things are amiss. And amiss they are. Thoughts are with dad and his recovery. But it makes me feel a fraud. Why does it do that to me? Conning the world with self indulgence crosses my mind many times a day. But it is real just as the last 27 years have been. Mental illness can be so callous and cruel. May it go as rapidly as it came.

I Heard a Voice.

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