Wednesday 29 November 2017

Would Be Easy to Have a Rant.

You find me today on the edge of rant. But I will shy away. Suffice it to say today was not my best day. Sometimes it feels as if we live in a siege mentality in my days so I can understand people saying things in ways that are not always helpful but I do not like coming home feeling attacked. But rather than attack back I will take the experience and try to build a better suit of armour in future.

I'm not entirely sure if anyone is out there reading. Views have really slumped this month and as ever I have no idea why the audience can wax and wane in such an unexpected way. If you are reading many thanks. Although most who read do not know me I do like doing my writing and value everyone who tunes in.

My part of the world remains pretty cold and desolate. The boiler is holding on thank goodness so aside from cold feet I'm pretty comfortable at home. I'm listening to opera for the second night in a row. I awarded myself an extra session yesterday as I was at a loose end.

The countdown to Christmas will kick off in earnest on Friday. Why do people put up decorations in November? I need to think what to buy people. Tomorrow is pay day and I have managed to claw back the much of the deficit after my profligate October. I have paid for the next two MOT tests on my car and it will be serviced next Friday. Must go Christmas shopping soon.

Rebecca has conned me into singing in a carol service the week after next. Where has my confidence gone when it comes to singing? Losing confidence seems to be a big issue in my life as I get older. Does that happen to others? I never could sight read well so the prospect of a rehearsal and high expectation looms large and terrifying. But I'm sure we will be okay.

Will be nice to spend the day in London beforehand. Despite my good intentions trips to London have been few and far between except my dinner with Ross a couple of weeks ago.

With that I leave you all. More in December.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 26 November 2017

A Blast from the Arctic.

Goodness me it is cold today. The winter sun is shining but a bitter wind from the north is chilling my world to almost freezing levels. Perhaps a day for a chilly walk. Or perhaps instead a day for staying in with the paper and my opera.

You find me a few days on not fully recovered from this bug although certainly not where I was earlier in the week. I'm eating again although not huge amounts. My kitchen ventures have been quite successful. My postponed dinner with Sarah went ahead on Friday and was I think a success. In a week when I have achieved very little it is good to hang onto some semblance of normality.

My intention is to go back in tomorrow. I'm not thinking too much about it on this quiet Sunday afternoon but I dread to think what might have piled up in my inbox whilst I was away.

The last couple of weeks has seen a certain amount of publicity of suicides on University campuses. The BBC screened a programme on it the week before last. Ros tells me it was well worth a watch although I didn't get round to it. Today The Sunday Times printed a piece on a number of student deaths at Bristol last year. It is easy to feel targeted by such things as I'm in the firing line.

Demands placed on me and my many colleagues who work in student wellbeing across the country can be unrealistic at times. Each death is a tragedy and we always seem to look for someone to blame. Yes I am guilty often of beating myself up mentally but as I have said in past times on here I am not a magician. The three deaths of students known to me in the last decade still feel raw at times. People seem to think that is remarkably few given the need and demand. But it hurts. We all think we will save the world when we come into this business. Those who survive are those who learn quickly that they will never save the world.

Tomorrow will come and I will once again go into the front line. The term is edging towards its completion. There are only three weeks left. I need to think about plans for the holiday. I think I will drive to Kent on the Thursday before Christmas. We intend to do turkey this year, not had that for Christmas since mum died. Miriam is down at dad's this weekend. It will good to visit again.

In the mean time I must MOT my car, take each day as it comes, buy presents and generally prepare. Is Christmas really worth all the effort we put in? I think so. That was never the case when my madness was at its height. Thank goodness for the main part that is in my past not my present.

I Heard a Voice.

Thursday 23 November 2017

Not Quite the Sound of Silence.

On a cold, blustery but sunny day once again you find me at home. I haven't been able to shake off this bug yet. I feel a little better than yesterday but still worn and tired. Apart from taking the rubbish out I haven't left my flat. My sleep was rather interrupted by odd, difficult dreams but having gone to bed fairly early I slept off and on for near 11 hours. That has to be a sign.

What should be a quiet peaceful day has been somewhat disputed by the sounds of a pneumatic drill going out the back of the Co op. Not sure what they are doing but the access in and out has been challenging both days I've been home.

During that spell I have barely eaten. A little dal last night and a poached egg today. I'm feeling pretty hungry now so will risk cooking something later. I do have some turkey in for Thanksgiving although if I do indeed cook it I will only eat a little. I can share the rest with friends.

My dinner with Sarah has tentatively been put back until tomorrow. Let us hope for respite by then. Given a subpar state I do not feel too bad being home. Yes I worry I will forget things and the thought of catching up when I do go back lurks only dimly in the background.

I discovered this afternoon that it is not just me suffering. My neighbour Richard has been similarly afflicted since Tuesday. Is it what my manager had last week? Can we ever tell these things although when anyone gets ill we all seem to agree that "there is something going round" in that terribly English way.

My afternoon will be spent listening to Handel's Saul and with some reading. Last night I managed to listen to both Don Giovanni and Orpheus in the Underworld. Fine music on a not so fine day.

By the time I next come on here to talk to you I hope I'm back in the land of the living free from all pestilence and dangers of the night. Can't wait for that to happen.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 22 November 2017

An Unfortunate Postponement.

The way things have transpired today was not exactly as I planned them. The working day looked really busy but manageable. It is midweek opera day. And Sarah was going to come round for dinner. At the worst possible moment an irritating stomach bug seems to have grabbed hold of me and ruined the day.

Most of the morning was spent in bed. I slept in fits and starts and as so often happens when not well the weirdest and most obscure dreams haunted me. When I did get up I made a very brief foray out to buy some food to cook when I'm up to it. It was a blustery day with the last of the fall leaves swirling about in the breeze.

Back at home I spent most of the afternoon trying to stay awake, keep hydrated and watching the Good Food channel. It remains a staple of mine although I've seen nearly everything many times over. Seeing Rick Stein pan fry some floured herring made me think of mum. She still pops into my head from time to time, often at unexpected times.

With luck this affliction will disappear quickly. I have tentatively rescheduled dinner with Sarah for Friday. I will cook pan fried duck breasts done medium rare then rested with a sauce made from pomegranate molasses with some baby roast potatoes and some beans. I think I will also open my Gran Reserva bottle of Rioja. So fingers crossed I'm better by then.

The world ticks on towards Christmas. There are but three and a half week until the end of term. Autumn is closing and winter is coming. The cold brings sumptuous earthy dishes to my kitchen. Might have to do another game casserole. I found some partridge breasts that I can wrap bacon and put in the oven if I'm well enough to eat tomorrow. I suppose I ought to eat something tonight but not sure what. Nothing too rich or complicated.

I hope the rest of your week goes well. See you again soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 19 November 2017

Early to Rise, Late to Lunch.

Given that it was my first uninterrupted lie in for over a week waking at 9.15 was not on my agenda. Sadly that is what happened. There was no great fear just an inkling that perhaps I should not have committed myself to eat at lunch time rather than in the evening. Taking another hour of in and out sleep I emerged to a cold but sunny world. A sharp contrast to yesterday's vile wet outlook.

Having been up earlier than planned it was on to getting cooking. A joint of gammon studded with cloves that has been wafting wonderful aromas round my flat for a while. The potatoes just went in to roast and I will do carrots, sprouts and beans to pretend that my diet is on track.

Haydn is today's chosen composer. The box set is good but only a little opera and no Nelson mass. Thankfully I have the latter elsewhere. Given that I had to work yesterday it is pleasant to have time to myself. The open day went okay in the main, very few people came in and fewer still were for me. Visions of queues forming and blocked car parks proved unfounded. I had no stress so compared to what might await me on Monday had I gone in it was a gentler day. I am not going in tomorrow and am hoping to get to Borough Market if I'm not too exhausted. Last week was long and at times tough going. But week 8 is now in the history books.

Thanksgiving comes on Thursday so a feast of NFL action awaits. Tonight my Rams go into Minnesota to battle the high flying Vikings in a clash of titans. The Rams have played some extraordinary football so far this season but I'm not yet buying the hype. If they win tonight with me cheering them on at home then maybe I will start to believe.

Still yet to do my mood diary but after being touch and go at times recently I feel pretty upbeat now. Maybe a walk in the sun or a pint in a country pub may be in order after my gammon. Have a great Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 15 November 2017

Cheese and Wine Anyone?

All week that sin of greed has been eating away at me. Ever since I had a spare half hour near the Galleria and spotted a beautiful coat in a shop. The colour of brown sugar, double breasted and looking o so smart I have resisted so far. I do have four coats already although my envious eyes sees them as jaded and in need of supplementary reinforcements. Passing close that way again today I resisted for the time being.

Is this a sign? I spent a lot in Waitrose on my way home, some things I needed, some I didn't. Where is my mood? I feel pretty tired but I'm also feeling impulsive. What is this state? Overwhelmed but mainly paddling on serenely. Such a mix of contradiction. Must get down to my mood diary although I'm not quite sure how I will measure this week.

Enough of that though, it is Wednesday. I'm blogging a little early tonight so opera hasn't started. For the time being Classic FM is my background sound. Later I will have a visitor for an indulgent evening of cheese, wine and Mozart. Been a while since Jo came round. It will be nice to see her and partake of a cultural evening. That partially explains why I spent so much but I don't care. I just want a fun evening.

Tonight I mellow, tomorrow another day of this marathon week. My colleague Lisa told me I looked tired today. Certainly each morning the duvet is more enticing than the cold outer world. But I have not succumbed to my fear and desire for sleep. I think I'm doing quite well.

At this midweek point, I hope you are all thriving. We're on the downhill slope to the weekend so take it easy, do what you need to do and escape any stress to fight another day.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 12 November 2017

Interrupted Sleep, Grouchy Outlook.

Who would have known that on going to bed last night my planned lie in would have been interrupted by the police battering down the door of a flat downstairs? No idea what is going on but that flat seems cursed. In the time I have been here three times it has been occupied and many more than three times it has attracted the attention of the police. I do not know the people who moved in recently but I certainly wish I wasn't disturbed in my precious sleep.

That has led to rather grouchy outlook today. Tiredness is always a downfall for me. I'm not certain what to do with myself. I have listened to Handel and am now whiling away the hours with Classic FM. But I feel uneasy.

Outside there is a cold biting wind so that doesn't seem very attractive. Perhaps I should go out for a pint. Need to get the lamb in to slow roast first. If I remember I will make my own mint sauce.

The flat is gradually warming up although I have sense of doom over the boiler. A friend took a look yesterday and thinks it is the thermostat but also pump sounding dicey. Not what I need with winter beckoning.

But I cannot be too downhearted. There are many good things in my life. My wonderful and varied friends. My music and my books. The priceless gift of cooking well. And dad and Miriam. We will be reunited at Christmas. Not that far off now I suppose. Time goes so quickly.

Let us hope that my mood stays stable in the long upcoming week. Some days I'm so anxious it is a hard to get out of bed. Today has just been a different fear. Yet fear lurks and links so precariously to my mood. The long haul of this week will be the acid test.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 11 November 2017

We Remember.

On this day we remember those who died in war. Having recently completed reading my cousin Karen's book on her grandfather's experiences in the Great War it is once again poignant and humbling. Not often on a Saturday I missed any ceremony. Much of that will take place tomorrow at the annual Remembrance Day parades. With the world as it is the poppy our symbol for those we remember has become a more controversial symbol. Don't let the fascists steal it and recall we remember all those who died not just the jolly white Englishman. I always wonder where those who we fought against fit into all this. They too must be remembered. War is a terrible thing.

Closer to home I've survived another week. Tense and long I think I did okay. But it will grind relentlessly on come Monday. The upcoming week is also likely to be long. I will be triaging all week as my colleague Sammie is off. But it will not end on Friday at 4 pm. I am being required to attend an open day next Saturday. I use that word specifically as I was given no choice. Well I was on disability grounds but how would that be for my colleagues who are not disabled?

Each week that goes by I become more wary of the disableisation of the world. The mental health campaigns have got us on the map in a way never seen before. But are we pathologising the normal? Is it fair or unfair to give the disabled extra time? Or extensions? Or exam adjustments? Where does that leave those not impaired? I have no power to change that but only to follow what I'm told to do.

With the weekend here my kitchen will once again be a focus. My boiler is playing up again so slightly on edge. But although I dreamed anxious dreams of work I'm not in a bad place. A squid stew will be tonight's fare. Tomorrow roast lamb. Will the heating hold up on this cold weekend? I can only cross my fingers.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, have a good time and enjoy the break. I will return soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 8 November 2017

Dreaming of Far Away Produce.

The vibrant colours, twisted gnarly shapes and intense flavours of Mediterranean vegetables are a long way off what I can get in leafy but not so sunny Hertfordshire. My mind drifts to Provence and Tuscany, to Palma and Greece. They do vegetables so well in those sunnier climes. I have to make do with what I can find in the supermarket. I do tend to buy the more expensive varieties out of gluttony, arrogance, experimentation and general adventure. Most of the time they fall short though.

Tonight I did a rare venture into pasta. And much to my surprise the tomatoes I used and slow cooked with shallot, garlic and basil last night had a wonderful flavour. A fine sweetness that comes of slow cooking tomatoes. I was quite pleased with the outcome.

My food ventures have gone well. My fest of game at the weekend. An accidental rib session with Sarah at Hakalok. A huge pork chop with baby roast potatoes and rosemary and garlic. And tonight's success. This is what keeps me going in the rocky waters I'm negotiating at the moment.

I have fought back from my Sunday despair. My feared outcome did not transpire. I still have heating and hot water. And my anxiety is much more in check. That said it has been an intense, busy and at times difficult week. It is so sad to see tormented young people battling things that make no sense. Such can be the cruelty of mental illness. I have a lot of people struggling at the moment.

Now in my warm flat I have escaped all that. Tonight's opera is Mithradate Re di Ponto. I have not had anything to drink except a glass of milk. No time for tea today. My instinct says pour a glass of white Rioja. Do I or don't I?

I can shut the world out tonight and once again indulge myself. Please do take care to do the same if you can. I will probably see you all again at the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 5 November 2017

Haunted by What Might Have Happened.

There is a cold wind outside. The sun has been around on a cold autumn day but I felt the chill on my short venture out into the world. That merely meant a drive out to The Rose and Crown at Tewin for a pint then a tough drive back into the sun.

I woke after a rough night of anxiety fuelled dreams. All is not well with me today. My fears from Friday's work are haunting me. What might have been? Did I get things so very wrong? Feels like it is crowding in on my present. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest not of worry. Added to which I think my boiler is once again faltering. It keeps clicking on and off. The pressure is fluctuating and my fear is growing.

Shakiness has plagued me at times ever since I became unwell all those years ago. Today it is intense. I'm trying to calm down with some opera but it's not really very effective. Tension fills the air. Why oh why is anxiety so crippling?

It has to happen at a weekend when there is nothing I can do. Will the system collapse and leave me with no heating or hot water? Do I dare take a bath?

In the grand scheme of the world it means little. It will pass and will be fixed. Out there in that world politics is once again being engulfed in scandal. This seems to stem on from the Hollywood scandal. I don't think I would like to be in the public eye. Too easy to be shot at. I understand that there are clearly times when powerful men can be threatening to those weaker than themselves. I have no reason to disbelieve what is being said but I cannot see a solution.

What I do know is that casual sexism is not just confined to men. Some of the things that are said in my office in jest would not be utterable by me. I would be up in a disciplinary hearing were I to make comments about women that I regularly hear from some women. I'm not at all bothered by that but it is a strange world. Unequal yes but not always in the obvious way. It is sometimes hard to hear statements of equality that are one sided.

I don't really know what I'm writing about today and feel I'm rambling aimlessly. Not sure even why I decided to post today. It's not my best day but I guess I can write on good and bad. Today feels bad. Let us hope tomorrow is better.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 4 November 2017

The Half Way Point.

As I headed to my car yesterday at the end of the working day I was second guessing myself. I had to make some difficult decisions and I wasn't certain I had got them right. That it was something of an onslaught is a given. The previous day I had had a 2 hour meeting with the Crisis Team as they are loaded up with students. I have yet to find out if the risks I took have paid off. It could be a bumpy Monday if I'm wrong. But I am secure in the knowledge that I have reached the half way point of the term and am still standing.

Last night I went out with Sarah to The Neem Tree. It's a pretty good curry house and we had a lovely evening. I didn't fear for the morrow and was able to cast aside any doubts I had. Sarah was on fine form as ever and enjoying a break from work. It is good to do that at times.

Sadly the night was not so good. I slept sporadically despite feeling very tired when I got in. I was up comparatively early and found myself battling a sore throat and inflamed tonsils. I will be fine but on such a wet day there wasn't too much cheer to be had. I will persist though in making the weekend a good one.

A rabbit stew is in the offing tonight. As the colder wetter days set in I bought my first sprouts of the new season so go along with my stew. I'm very partial to sprouts. And continuing the hearty fare and game theme I have a pheasant to roast tomorrow.

So on this Saturday afternoon I have Haydn playing and a new book to commence. I finished my cousin Karen's book on Wednesday and am now ready to get going with A A Gill's Lines in the Sand. I think a film in the warm would be good later.

Do wrap up on this wet gloomy day, stay in and eat well. That is what the weekend is for.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 1 November 2017

Nearly Full.

A huge yellow moon lit up the sky as I drove home through an unusual amount of traffic having left work late. It was not quite full and I look forward to the splendour and pomp when it reaches its monthly zenith.

Given the intensity of the day the moon may well have been full. Yes some of my brethren are affected by that. What a day. Had everyone turned up I would have seen seven people including an emergency. My manager had to deal with three emergencies. It seems it is all going off.

Yet as I sit here listening to Tosca with a glass of Rioja I feel contented and serene. This week has thus far gone quite well. I believe that come Friday we will have reached the mid point of term.

Given how self critical I can be it surprised me to learn from two people today how much they admire how self aware I am. I call it criticism but as is often the case the mirror we see for ourselves in our self destructive way is not what reflects back to those around us. At my worst I am convinced no one wants to be around me and they just humour me. But that is to do a disservice to my many varied and kind friends.

So for just a few days I will put aside my self doubt and self pity and say I'm doing okay.

Rare steak helped set me up for opera night. The Rioja is a favourite of mine and I always love revisiting Puccini. There is cause to celebrate in my indulgence, my friend James got engaged yesterday on his 35th birthday. I have a horrible feeling he will require me to go on some debauched stag weekend. I'm getting too old for that shit so maybe I will politely decline.

We're hurtling towards the weekend so on this first day of November, keep going and enjoy being in the present. If your present is not good fight for better. Sometimes I struggle to do that but today I won.

I Heard a Voice.