Sunday 29 January 2017

Beethoven Brightens a Gloomy Day.

On a day in which Puccini opera once again came into my life I wasn't expecting rain. After a late start, coffee, the paper and La Boheme I ventured forth for a Sunday afternoon pint. Didn't go far, only to The White Horse at Welwyn. The gloom of outside was eradicated by an upbeat pub and a glass of ale. Eradicated that was until the lights failed, the TV went off, the internet died and the till failed. For a short while it was as gloomy as the world outside. But order was restored.

Pint finished I headed off in wet conditions for home. And now at home with heating ramped up Beethoven is bringing me cheer on an otherwise inglorious day. As ever the weekend seems to have gone quickly. In the blink of an eye it seems I have gone from my late leaving the office on Friday to the cusp of a return for week 4. Those felled by flu this week will I hope feel better. I'm extremely glad that thus far I have steered clear.

The new working week will no doubt bring many challenges but I will return in the knowledge that at least for now my mood has emerged from the minus territory of last week. Not entirely sure I'm in plus land yet but somewhere verging on that is a happy return.

I have no explanation for my recent descent downward but I'm hoping it has now passed me on to the next stage of the journey. And that starts with rare roast rib of beef. The diet can wait until tomorrow. A couple of people have said it looks like I have lost weight. Amazing when I think about it how easy it is to add additional crap to my diet. A biscuit here, a cake there. That extra pint because I could. I don't have a target weight in mind, never worried about that stuff but shifting some of the excess I put on after giving up smoking must be a good thing. So roast potatoes will be in rapeseed oil tonight and not goose fat.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 25 January 2017

Dank, Dismal and Cold.

Dense freezing fog and icy surfaces greeted me as I emerged this morning. The brighter slightly warmer day yesterday deceived us for today winter stormed back. I was not feeling at my best. The inordinate fatigue that came from nowhere a few days ago and my flat mood continue. The gloom of such a dank, cold and dismal day did nothing to lift that. But make it through the day I did.

It was certainly a busy one. Rare I have seven people booked into see me in a day. A couple of no shows gave me some breathing space but such a frenetic schedule cannot be sustained for too long. They just keep coming, endless demand and little clear vision still on who goes where. A new counsellor asked me today what should she refer to me. The answer to that has never been straightforward. Life would be some much simpler if it was.

Away from it all and somewhat tired I am listening to Britten and preaching to my diminishing flock on here. The last few days most of the readers seem to have disappeared. But I hope you come back.

Simplicity ruled on my kitchen tonight. I adapted a Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall salad. Intended for lobster I substituted some Cornish crab partnered with apple and cucumber with a little mayonnaise, some olive oil and a squeeze of lemon. It was a revelation. Mayonnaise aside healthy food can be good at times.

After this I will once again pick up D H Lawrence, have neglected The Plumed Serpent for too long, must make some progress. So to Mexico I go for an hour, and Britten will play on.

Sunday 22 January 2017

The Lesser of Two Evils?

Why is it that all the nice things to eat are deemed unhealthy? As I get older I have moved away from puddings despite mum's great expertise in their making. At the grand old age of 47 I have discovered cheese. And now at said very same middle age the medical people tell me I should avoid cheese and that as we all know puddings are bad for us too.

Well on this Sunday when later I will go to Choral Evensong to listen to Tavener's "The Lamb" and Ireland's "Greater Love" I took a trip out to The Waggoners for lunch. After some wonderful roast beef I had a choice to make, dessert in the form of chocolate tart with blood orange ice cream or the famous les fromage that Laurent takes such pride in offering. In the end the cheese won, I won and the medics lost. It will be only temporary but okay every once in a while. Was it the lesser of two evils? No it was a choice of two joys.

There is more Rick Stein on the Food channel. The conference championships in the NFL kick off later. And I'm putting off thoughts of tomorrow. Waking very late my mood has drifted slightly into minus territory. May that too be merely temporary.

If all you out there are facing another working week, I wish you well and remind you that another weekend will soon be upon us. Mr Trump will still be perhaps the most controversial president the USA has ever had and our uncertain world rolls on. Where it will go I do not know but given the scale of the Women's Marches across the world people are bracing themselves for uneven times.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 21 January 2017

Early to Rise.

You will probably have noticed on here that I'm not the earliest riser in the morning. Quite the opposite, I max up my medication and slumber deep. Back in Kent I once slept through an earthquake. Not of course on a par with the terrible disaster that happened to the hotel in Italy in the week but it did nevertheless do quite a lot of damage. Today was an exception though as I was up and almost awake just after 10 am. Managed to watch most of Saturday Kitchen then did a late brunch. In keeping with this diet I had some sprats dusted in seasoned flour then quickly pan fried in sunflower oil. All came out rather well.

On this cold crisp day I fancied a drive in the country so off I went into the sun in search of new places and routes. Where I ended up was The Plough at Datchworth. Nice pint of Cornish ale and a gentle sit down. I also learned the route to a village I have been taken to but never driven Watton at Stone. There is a marvellous pub there called The George and Dragon. A couple of years since I visited but I know it does good food so must venture out there one day.

Back in the warm of my flat I have chosen Beethoven's Violin Sonatas. Wonderful. I really ought to be doing some cleaning but that can wait.

I managed to pick up some diced lamb to do in a curry later. I'm sure the odd deviation from the diet cannot be disastrous. I booked my table for lunch at The Waggoners tomorrow. I can return to healthy living in the week.

Mentally I feel a little bit flat but not low. That dull middle ground those of us with mood disorders hate. But I must recognise that another week is down and despite some blips, it feels often as if I'm never good enough, I'm still managing. I wonder what next week will bring? See you then.

I Heard a Voice.

Thursday 19 January 2017

Another Year Goes By.

Hello on a cold and frosty day. I'm home and cooking. Something from Sam and Sam Clark's Moro book, atun con oloroso, tuna marinated in garlic and sherry with a sweet onion sauce. A new one on me. Just sweating the onions. I shall sear the tuna nice and rare, mum would not approve.

Mum had to come in today. It would have been her birthday. 85. On this day thoughts drift towards her. I have managed quite well today avoiding being distracted by another anniversary. I did a very successful training course today, good response and some appreciation from the audience. So kept with it all.

Here at home as I cook and Mozart plays she is popping gently into my mind. Not as the raging torrent of anger that she could be in life. Nor the woman wracked with and devastated by anxiety of the end of her life. But more for a passing that was so sudden and unexpected. She was sometimes a very difficult person to be around but one only had to see her on a Thursday morning at St Peter's C of E Primary School Folkestone teaching kids to read to realise she could be kind and warm hearted and for a couple of hours cast her despair aside. That is how I would like to remember her as indeed generations of young people from the school will recall her.

With the weekend looming I need the rest. I'm hoping to go to choral evensong at a local church on Sunday. So as I'm wont to do on such occasions I will indulge myself with Sunday lunch out, probably with Laurent at The Waggoners. Not been for a while.

I Heard a Voice.

Tuesday 17 January 2017

A Fleeting Moment in Time.

For a fleeting moment this morning my mind went into free fall and I was frozen in that anxiety that says "I can't do this anymore". It occurred just as my alarm went off. I had slept for more than 8 hours with a brief wake up around 6.45 am. As I lay there thinking the worst, I couldn't move and fought the desire to roll over and bury myself in a mound of duvets and pillows and shut the world out. I do not know why it happened today. Some time has passed since I was last like that.

I had to fight hard to come back from that. There seemed little rhyme or reason to do anything today but we cannot just run. True I could have called in and said my anxiety is too great. But I have been determined since the summer not to succumb to such urges.

When I finally faced the world and went in it was okay. Tiring but okay. Late in the day I was forced into one of those others are panicking but I must make a judgement. I hope I came to the right decision.

Having escaped I had a rare venture into red meat since my spurious attempts at healthier living with beef stir fried with black beans. Turned out well in a way although I think I cooked the beef a shade too long making it slightly tough. Good flavour though. After that my Stein fix, the Food channel is celebrating his 70th birthday and the BBC is repeating his most recent series. I might open a beer in a bit, strictly limiting that now. Maybe I will lose weight. Maybe not. Worth a try I suppose.

Thursday will be with us soon and once again I will remember my mum on what would have been her 85th birthday. It is always a strange day. Might talk to you all again then.

I Heard a Voice

Sunday 15 January 2017

Too Wet to Settle.

The snow did come on Thursday evening. Quite a lot of it in fact. But after a day of incessant rain it didn't really settle. Made for difficult driving conditions trying to get home after work. Snow is not something I welcome if I'm having to go to work. The car park at the back is like an ice rink when it comes and trying to get from the back streets where I live onto roads that have been gritted is a pretty precarious business. Given what an anxious driver I am one can see my fears.

Rain has been the order of the day this Sunday. I've barely been out. No opera either. But it has been an afternoon of Rick Stein as they are showing the whole of the Food Heroes series, always my favourite of the many series he has made. On my cooking front chicken will feature later. They tell me I'm not allowed to eat the skin but I think a little of something nice can be okay.

When the week starts tomorrow I'm in a good place mentally. There is a slight anxiety on the horizon in the form of the annual Time to Talk day. Last year we had a big success. Thus far we have done nothing towards it. Such days are hard and so many struggle to put their heads above a metaphorical parapet and say I am x and I have a mental illness. I have been doing it for years but I am merely the voice of an unknown and unsuccessful nobody. Others have a much greater impact.

I do hope you have all had a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend. See you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

Wednesday 11 January 2017

A Final Curtain.

Barely 3 weeks after the Winter Solstice and the year's shortest day I have already detected tiny signs that it is getting lighter and the day is longer. Leaving my office around 4 yesterday afternoon to do an outreach visit it was perceptibly lighter. Usually at this time I leave to utter gloom. Tonight a brilliant almost full mood shines out on a clear night. We are expecting a cold snap, rumours of snow abound.

My working world is well under way again. I'm doing okay although it involved a lot of rushing around today and a packed agenda tomorrow. I doubt I will get any lunch. It is the start of another long haul that will seem endless as Easter is so late.

Fortunately not my entire life revolves around my work at the University. Away from there things are changing too. On Sunday night I eschewed a solid night of NFL Wild Card Playoff Games to attend the final curtain call of my dear friends Tony and Josephine at The Hedgehog. By all accounts it was a late one. Emotional too. I didn't stay to the end but it was a kind goodbye to people who have done so much for my local community.

So far so good with the new people. A South African couple, Francois is a keen rugby man which is very much attune with me. They are getting to know people pretty quickly.

My "diet" and I use that in only the loosest sense of the word is so far going okay. Ate fish again, had salad for lunch and so far have pretty much halved my beer intake. Not so good maybe for Francois at the pub but will see how it goes. I'm slightly torn today as it is my close friend Beth's birthday and I really ought to have something in her honour. She was only 15 when we met and I'm struggling with idea that we have now known each other 20 years.

On the music front Wednesday's opera night have morphed into Beethoven Trios and Quintets. A nice change. Hope to be back on here again at the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Saturday 7 January 2017

Hints of the Mediterranean.

Can you believe that 7 months have now past since dad and I went to Sorrento? Certainly not as warm and pleasant now as it was then. You may recall that barring a couple of wondrous dishes I was somewhat underwhelmed by the food. Pasta and pizza are just not my thing.

Now as I pay the price for overdoing things yesterday and still feeling somewhat deflated after that health check of earlier in the week I have followed some advice and gone back to those Mediterranean climes to eat. Well she did say fish and olive oil. If your views on my culinary posts are anything like that which I get on Facebook you may always feel hungry when you read and have some admiration for the diversity of my kitchen adventures. My take on Tuesday was that that all had to stop and that was what made me feel so miserable.

Yet with my books, experience and enthusiasm as well as what some consider skill it can't be all that bad. I didn't fancy anything bony so pleased to find some line caught swordfish steaks in the Supermarket. And what a revelation, seared in a griddle pan then topped with a dressing known as salmoriglio, some bread and tomato and cucumber. Makes me feel most virtuous.

Is this the new me? Well partially and only sometimes. I shouldn't do it if I follow instructions but roast pork has to return tomorrow. I can't live without pork but perhaps I should eat a little less of it. I figure if I eat fish twice a week, chicken twice, eggs once and a little nice red meat it is good start. What do you think?

The rest of tonight will be quiet. I plumped for opera over Inspector Morse and having a chilled glass of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. It was Tony and Josephine's leaving party at The Hedgehog last night. Good night but oh so tired today. So it is back to the duvet on the sofa with Mozart and wine.

And with that I wish you all good night.

I Heard a Voice.

Thursday 5 January 2017

Finally Breaking Out.

Some say at New Year, health, wealth and happiness. All sounds splendid. Well looking back over recent years such things have been in short supply. Wealth and happiness are conjecture, relative and changeable. But health can be defined. And New Year has has not been kind to me in three of the last four years. My throat seems to attract every virus and infection under the sun at this time of year.

The night before last I was shivering so badly I slept with two duvets on the bed. Adding viral madness to a mind already prone to psychosis makes an appalling concoction for night time dreaming. It was a vile night.

The result was utter exhaustion, more shivers, an unquenchable cough and feeling pretty awful. Almost the whole day was spent under a duvet either in bed or slumped on the sofa. Knowing that there is little that can be done about a virus I nevertheless gave in and went to chemist for some form of respite.

Not sure if it is said remedy or the evil virus finally giving up the ghost I woke very late today but feeling better at last. Breaking out of fever can be such a relief.

It is true that I remain tired but on this freezing but bright day it feels so much better. I did pop out for a lunch which was mediocre but nice to be outside. Back home now Purcell's Dido and Aeneas provides this afternoon's entertainment. Now to try regain at least some of my energy. Why do I always get ill at the turn of the year?

I Heard a Voice.

Tuesday 3 January 2017

Low and Flat.

Tuesday finds so many back at work. Not me. But I'm not feeling that good about it. A night of poor sleep, it was gone 4 am before I went off, the health check was thoroughly depressing. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life cutting out so many good things on the chance it will be longer? Logic says yes but in my low mood, cold ridden respiratory system and the generally freezing January gloom not much seems very optimistic.

What I really want to do is go back to bed and warm up. What I'm actually going to do it walk to town for the second time today to catch a train to Hitchin to meet Dory. It has been months since we met. I'm hoping that will lift my flat mood.

Sleep the rest of the week could also be of use but that return to chaos seems oh so close. And I don't want to think about that just yet.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunday 1 January 2017

A Damp Start.

Hail and salutations! Happy New Year to you all. So the year that killed so many is over and we set forth on 2017. Looking out the window at the pouring rain it is not a day to be going out. After a mighty night at The Hedgehog I have been feeling somewhat delicate. The cold isn't helping. Memories of the night are hazy and mixed. I do wish people would not expect me to go into work mode when I'm out.

My delicate state has led to an incredibly quiet day. A half shoulder of lamb has just gone into roast. I did invite Ali and Gary but they cancelled after excessive celebrations. There will be other Sundays though.

There is another week of leisure awaiting me before I go back. It is certainly needed. On Tuesday I have to go for an over 40s health MOT at my GP surgery. Not sure how wise that is so close to all the partying. Last time I had one it was not the best of experiences and I thought the nurse was very rude. Let's hope for better this time.

If you too overdid things last night I hope your recovery comes swiftly. Sometimes I wonder why we do these things to ourselves; often our own worst enemy. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.