How the world has moved on. 20 years ago when I really needed a shrink, I'd been in the system for 7 months before my consultant even bothered to meet me. He didn't actually speak to me directly for another 7 months-he thought my key worker more important than me! He's one of the few I will never forgive.
When I moved to Hertfordshire 3 years ago, I thought it was prudent to make myself known to services; afterall at that stage I had had a consultant for 16 of the previous 17 years. 6 weeks after the referral was made, I spent an hour with very pleasant but confused Russian junior Doctor who asked me all sorts of familiar but irrelevant questions about voices and suicide. In her confusion she allowed me to meet the almighty consultant who told me I was too well to need them but to call his secretary if I went into crisis and he would see me. Yeah right! Like that is really going to happen! So ended my engagement with secondary services.
I do jest slightly because doing my job I do have some clout and connections. I needed a psychiatrist to see someone tomorrow-hey presto he will arrive 18 hours after I called. The world is of course different for those of us who live on the other side of the fence.
Perhaps that makes me lucky. I just find it so ironic how things have changed. Many of us feel nothing has changed but I would beg to differ on some issues. I wonder how different my world could have been back in 1993 when the shrinks acknowledged in their notes that I had psychotic symptoms but neither told me nor did anything about them. I wonder what Early Intervention in Psychosis would have made of me then.
More soon.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Tuesday 12 October 2010
Men of Power
An odd thing happened to me yesterday. I was tagged in a very old photo on Facebook. Nothing particularly odd in that on it's own. What was odd was seeing the face of someone from my past who had power over me. His tag was quite simple-God! It was a tag given by others and not a name I had ever associated with him.
There is another man from my more recent past who I called god. God at the time and god in my book. He was a man with power over me. And power can be a very destructive thing.
It is a terrible thing to feel powerless. Throughout the first few years of my illness I felt utterly powerless. Powerless in the face of severe mental illness and powerless at the treatment meted out to me. Decisions were made for me and I was expected to comply.
Compliance is a word I hear often from mental health professionals. But have they ever asked themselves the question what if I am wrong? Subsequent events in my life proved conclusively that so many people in my case got it wrong. Yet no one has ever admitted they got it wrong!
I'm treated differently now, I am part of the club so to speak; I am a professional. But I have little power. That feels safer than wielding influence where I might get it wrong.
I wonder of either of the two gods who form such a big part of story ever wonder if they got it wrong. Somehow I doubt it.
I Heard a Voice.
There is another man from my more recent past who I called god. God at the time and god in my book. He was a man with power over me. And power can be a very destructive thing.
It is a terrible thing to feel powerless. Throughout the first few years of my illness I felt utterly powerless. Powerless in the face of severe mental illness and powerless at the treatment meted out to me. Decisions were made for me and I was expected to comply.
Compliance is a word I hear often from mental health professionals. But have they ever asked themselves the question what if I am wrong? Subsequent events in my life proved conclusively that so many people in my case got it wrong. Yet no one has ever admitted they got it wrong!
I'm treated differently now, I am part of the club so to speak; I am a professional. But I have little power. That feels safer than wielding influence where I might get it wrong.
I wonder of either of the two gods who form such a big part of story ever wonder if they got it wrong. Somehow I doubt it.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
The Silly Season
I rather like politics. And we are living in interesting times. Cuts. Austerity. Misery. Crisis. We have a coalition government which is making savage cuts. And this is the season when the announcements come. The Political Party Conference season is coming to an end.
3 conferences; 3 grand collective egos; 3 different takes (or are they so differen). It is the silly season! The real question is how different would it be if the coalition hadn't happened? I guess each party like to blame the others for the cuts. What is clear is, whichever party was in power they would be doing exactly the same thing!
I seem to lie in socio-economic group that receive no benefits at all. I'm not married so I don't get a tax break. I have no children so the loss of child benefit means nothing to me. I'm not old enough to get a free bus pass or a winter fuel payment. I have disability but not one that warrants any financial assistance from the much derided DWP. I think the only thing I get is 25% off the council tax as I live alone.
But it is the disability part that most interests me and impacts on the lives of so many of my friends. I got lucky, I got out and off benefits. But many of my friends didn't. Political parties all talk about protecting the vulnerable and disabled. But who decides who is disabled?
The reality on the ground is that disability is very clear but very arbitrary. In terms is the DDA many conditions are cover. They merely have to last at least a year and be judged prior to treatment. What that means for me is a) do I have a condition that will or has lasted a year? and b) should that be judged before treatment? The answer to both of those is yes. I've lived with my illness for 20 years, and I have an effective treatment which keeps me well. So I have a disability. That is accepted without hesitation by my employer and I'm treated accordingly.
But what would happen is I applied for DLA for my disability? I would be told to sod off as I'm too well. Therein lie the paradox. Am I or am I not disabled?
I have a voice, many of my friends don't. The judgement of their illnesses is both random and arbitrary. They have needs but who will protect the vulnerable if they don't meet someone else's criteria? These are the people I fear for not me. At least not at the moment.
Scary times ahead.
I Heard a Voice.
3 conferences; 3 grand collective egos; 3 different takes (or are they so differen). It is the silly season! The real question is how different would it be if the coalition hadn't happened? I guess each party like to blame the others for the cuts. What is clear is, whichever party was in power they would be doing exactly the same thing!
I seem to lie in socio-economic group that receive no benefits at all. I'm not married so I don't get a tax break. I have no children so the loss of child benefit means nothing to me. I'm not old enough to get a free bus pass or a winter fuel payment. I have disability but not one that warrants any financial assistance from the much derided DWP. I think the only thing I get is 25% off the council tax as I live alone.
But it is the disability part that most interests me and impacts on the lives of so many of my friends. I got lucky, I got out and off benefits. But many of my friends didn't. Political parties all talk about protecting the vulnerable and disabled. But who decides who is disabled?
The reality on the ground is that disability is very clear but very arbitrary. In terms is the DDA many conditions are cover. They merely have to last at least a year and be judged prior to treatment. What that means for me is a) do I have a condition that will or has lasted a year? and b) should that be judged before treatment? The answer to both of those is yes. I've lived with my illness for 20 years, and I have an effective treatment which keeps me well. So I have a disability. That is accepted without hesitation by my employer and I'm treated accordingly.
But what would happen is I applied for DLA for my disability? I would be told to sod off as I'm too well. Therein lie the paradox. Am I or am I not disabled?
I have a voice, many of my friends don't. The judgement of their illnesses is both random and arbitrary. They have needs but who will protect the vulnerable if they don't meet someone else's criteria? These are the people I fear for not me. At least not at the moment.
Scary times ahead.
I Heard a Voice.
Saturday 2 October 2010
The Rage Has Now Died Down
It's funny, but I'm normally a very calm person. Every now and again though I have a day that is full of rage. Usually it triggered by the actions of other people. When I was last in hospital in 1994 they kept trying to provoke that rage; but I would never let them see it. Sadly yesterday was one such day. Fuming late into the night.
Fortunately the rage has been assuaged today and am back to my usual calm self. In a way I'm not too surprised, last week was one of so many swings.
Normally I love having a job; and more especially my job. For years I was too ill to work; now I work full time. It is rarely boring but sometimes extremely irritating. Almost every early morning brings me a feeling of yearning for old days when I went to bed late and got up very late. But I usually get over that feeling quite quickly.
So I'm quite glad it is Saturday. Been a very quiet day so far. Mozart playing quietly in the background; boeuf bourguinan is marinading; and I'm tapping away on here. My mind is empty which is quite often a good thing. No disturbance in mood either. Long may that last.
The year marches ever onwards; hard to believe we are in October already. Quite like autumn although I'm not so convinced by the cold and rain; neither are really evident today. Thank goodness though for quiet weekends!
I Heard a Voice.
Fortunately the rage has been assuaged today and am back to my usual calm self. In a way I'm not too surprised, last week was one of so many swings.
Normally I love having a job; and more especially my job. For years I was too ill to work; now I work full time. It is rarely boring but sometimes extremely irritating. Almost every early morning brings me a feeling of yearning for old days when I went to bed late and got up very late. But I usually get over that feeling quite quickly.
So I'm quite glad it is Saturday. Been a very quiet day so far. Mozart playing quietly in the background; boeuf bourguinan is marinading; and I'm tapping away on here. My mind is empty which is quite often a good thing. No disturbance in mood either. Long may that last.
The year marches ever onwards; hard to believe we are in October already. Quite like autumn although I'm not so convinced by the cold and rain; neither are really evident today. Thank goodness though for quiet weekends!
I Heard a Voice.
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