Well it's been nearly a week since I was last on here. I had intended to do some blogging yesterday but my internet decided not to play ball.
First week of the new academic year, chaos ensued as expected but not quite as bad as last year. I've been doing quite lot of teaching this week. I'm not actually employed to teach but various programmes that are linked to mental health wheel me out a few times a year; most of the time it goes down extremely well. Today was excellent-I do so enjoy trying to shape the views of our future mental health professionals.
But it was one of the random turns of life that caught my attention. An e mail exchange leads to cup of coffee. Sat in Starbucks-yes we have one on campus-a most interesting proposition was put to me. Still early days and just an idea at the moment but if it does pan out it could take my life in a different direction. Won't be leaving Hertfordshire though.
Those who know me know that although I was brought up in religious way and went to school at religious schools I have rejected the idea of religion. But if there a God, he sure does move in mysterious ways! Too early to say what it is about but will comment on it if it pans out.
Bye for now,
I Heard a Voice.
Thursday 30 September 2010
Friday 24 September 2010
It's Turning Colder
Greetings from a rather chilly Hertfordshire. It is nice to be back. I've spent much of the week in London. My feelings about London are often quite mixed; I enjoy visiting but I'm not sure I would want to live there. 16 years ago a spent some time in psychiatric hospital in south London so my view is to an extent a reflection of a very difficult period in my life.
I have many friends in London and am very grateful to my friend Eleanor for putting me up for 4 days. Those who have read previous blog will have already worked out my passion for food so East London is something of a mecca for me; curries and kebabs galore-not quite so good for the stomach or colesterol levels though!
The purpose of my visit was a rather high profile international confernece on mental health recovery. Big buzz word recovery in my world. I quite like the term and would indeed regard myself as being in recovery. But I am not cured of my psychosis, I just manage it better now. All the great and the good were there, the players, the known, and I guess people like me, those who want to get known.
Some parts were truely inspirational, the stories of lived experience, the young Italian man fighting his voices and telling his story in English. These things are what make conferences so special. There were also some excellent papers but still we battle with the so called "evidence base" of recovery. Bottom line, if there is no evidence base funding will dry up and the movement will die. Looks back a little to my justification post of a couple of weeks ago.
It was well worth going even though it left me utterly exhausted when I got home. Had one day in work yesterday then was on a training course today. So a different week.
I had planned to take it very gently today but all that changed when my phone bleeped in its inimitable way and a text from my friend and colleague Sonya asked if I could present a little bit today. So out came parts of the story. It went really well so feeling the warm glow of success; isn't it wonderful when someone says they got something positive about what one might say?
So to tonight; a wind down I think. Will be doing some Thai beef later and marinading Vietnamese ribs overnight. I do love cooking! Then I guess to the pub-as you may have gathered I rather like the pub!
More soon.
I Heard a Voice
PS The times noted on the blog of my posts are not actually right; so don't think I just blog at work-life can be deceptive!
I have many friends in London and am very grateful to my friend Eleanor for putting me up for 4 days. Those who have read previous blog will have already worked out my passion for food so East London is something of a mecca for me; curries and kebabs galore-not quite so good for the stomach or colesterol levels though!
The purpose of my visit was a rather high profile international confernece on mental health recovery. Big buzz word recovery in my world. I quite like the term and would indeed regard myself as being in recovery. But I am not cured of my psychosis, I just manage it better now. All the great and the good were there, the players, the known, and I guess people like me, those who want to get known.
Some parts were truely inspirational, the stories of lived experience, the young Italian man fighting his voices and telling his story in English. These things are what make conferences so special. There were also some excellent papers but still we battle with the so called "evidence base" of recovery. Bottom line, if there is no evidence base funding will dry up and the movement will die. Looks back a little to my justification post of a couple of weeks ago.
It was well worth going even though it left me utterly exhausted when I got home. Had one day in work yesterday then was on a training course today. So a different week.
I had planned to take it very gently today but all that changed when my phone bleeped in its inimitable way and a text from my friend and colleague Sonya asked if I could present a little bit today. So out came parts of the story. It went really well so feeling the warm glow of success; isn't it wonderful when someone says they got something positive about what one might say?
So to tonight; a wind down I think. Will be doing some Thai beef later and marinading Vietnamese ribs overnight. I do love cooking! Then I guess to the pub-as you may have gathered I rather like the pub!
More soon.
I Heard a Voice
PS The times noted on the blog of my posts are not actually right; so don't think I just blog at work-life can be deceptive!
Thursday 16 September 2010
The Annual Day in Court
Does anyone else get pissed off having to do appraisals at work? Do they have a real purpose? And of course the biggest question of all, what do I get out of them?
Today was my annual appraisal. It is the one event of the year that I really dread. Much to my surprise I came out of it feeling okay. Not sure what we have achieved, but hey, one less thing to worry about.
It was indeed in sharp contrast to last year when the most I learned was never really trust anyone, they could (and sometimes do) stab you in the back. I came away furious last year, not with my manager-that would be shooting the messenger-after someone in the very senior position whom I had only ever met over lunch decided to do just that.
But we will see how the next few months pans out, said person may discover that my book is out. I doubt it because I'm not that really important and said person no longer works there.
Life is indeed fickle, try to do something good and there is always someone there to snipe. That I suppose is the risk of writing a book. It has been a very long haul, from 2002 until the present, but am in the home straight now. The underlying fear always has been how the book will be received. Whilst it would be delightful if lots of people read it, I am then a target, ready to be judged.
For years I would never have been able to cope with that, hence the lengthy delay between deciding to write and actually doing it. And of course I had to be well enough to do it.
If I were to start the book today it might look different. But not radically so.
Maybe there will be the judgement of many before my next annual day in court.
Will probably be away from the blog for a week or so, having a busy week of conferences and parties which will probably keep off line completedly.
I Heard a Voice.
Today was my annual appraisal. It is the one event of the year that I really dread. Much to my surprise I came out of it feeling okay. Not sure what we have achieved, but hey, one less thing to worry about.
It was indeed in sharp contrast to last year when the most I learned was never really trust anyone, they could (and sometimes do) stab you in the back. I came away furious last year, not with my manager-that would be shooting the messenger-after someone in the very senior position whom I had only ever met over lunch decided to do just that.
But we will see how the next few months pans out, said person may discover that my book is out. I doubt it because I'm not that really important and said person no longer works there.
Life is indeed fickle, try to do something good and there is always someone there to snipe. That I suppose is the risk of writing a book. It has been a very long haul, from 2002 until the present, but am in the home straight now. The underlying fear always has been how the book will be received. Whilst it would be delightful if lots of people read it, I am then a target, ready to be judged.
For years I would never have been able to cope with that, hence the lengthy delay between deciding to write and actually doing it. And of course I had to be well enough to do it.
If I were to start the book today it might look different. But not radically so.
Maybe there will be the judgement of many before my next annual day in court.
Will probably be away from the blog for a week or so, having a busy week of conferences and parties which will probably keep off line completedly.
I Heard a Voice.
Saturday 11 September 2010
Voices and Faces From the Past
I've finally returned after a few days absence. Actually, just been either too busy or too tired to blog since Monday. Anyway, it has been a strange week.
About 2 years ago I received a random e mail from my old school. An American, who had apparently met me in 1980 had got in touch asking after me. All a bit strnage but I thought it might be fun to e mail him. Sadly it slipped from my mind until earlier on this week I found said e mail. Throwing caution to the wind, I fired off a short history since we had last met.
The response was rapid, within hours an e mail arrived in my inbox asking for contact details and wanting to talk. Strange how things can turn so quickly. Since then there has been a frequent exchange of e mails across the Atlantic and plans to speak on Monday.
But talking of a small world, said American has an interest in mental health. He has already bought an e copy of my book and is rapidly devouring it. More on the book in later posts. Perhaps there is a way in on another continent to market the book. The chance and randomness of life never ceases to amaze me!
Other than that an ordinary week. Survived work but is beginning to get a little too busy. God knows what will happen in the pandemonium that will ensue in 2 weeks when term starts.
Off for now, think I might have a beer now.
I Heard a Voice.
About 2 years ago I received a random e mail from my old school. An American, who had apparently met me in 1980 had got in touch asking after me. All a bit strnage but I thought it might be fun to e mail him. Sadly it slipped from my mind until earlier on this week I found said e mail. Throwing caution to the wind, I fired off a short history since we had last met.
The response was rapid, within hours an e mail arrived in my inbox asking for contact details and wanting to talk. Strange how things can turn so quickly. Since then there has been a frequent exchange of e mails across the Atlantic and plans to speak on Monday.
But talking of a small world, said American has an interest in mental health. He has already bought an e copy of my book and is rapidly devouring it. More on the book in later posts. Perhaps there is a way in on another continent to market the book. The chance and randomness of life never ceases to amaze me!
Other than that an ordinary week. Survived work but is beginning to get a little too busy. God knows what will happen in the pandemonium that will ensue in 2 weeks when term starts.
Off for now, think I might have a beer now.
I Heard a Voice.
Monday 6 September 2010
Self Justification
Well, I'm now at home listening to Offenbach, drinking a beer and have the quiet sound of Kheema Mutter slowly bubbling away on the cooker-I made it through the first day back!
Not too bad a day after I dealt with the hundreds of mainly dull e mails. Had one minor crisis to deal with, thank goodness the world doesn't stop moving whilst I'm away. I'm really not that important. Then came to the delights of the day, statistics and my long delayed Annual Report.
Whether anyone actually reads it in detail I have no idea. It will of course report that in year 3 of my job at the University I saw more students than the year before; and indeed the year before that. The one thing that really irritates me about working, and the report bears that out, is that I always have to justify my existence.
This brings the even more interesting question of how one measures the effectiveness of mental health workers, or indeed services on a wider scale. Sadly I'm something of a one man band.
Is it how many of my students pass their courses? How many service users stay out of hospital? How many come off medication-in my experience of secondary services very few? How many get in to work? Or perhaps the bottom line is how many survive? Did someone say suicide prevention? (I sit on a working group on that!).
Perhaps more pertinent are the views of the funders! They are always at the root of everything that goes in mental health.
I'm never quite sure how to justify myself in this most interesting and varied field. For the time being I still have a job. Maybe cuts will put paid to that.
Talking of cuts, I'm not sure how new they are. Since I started work in 2001 I have worked for a Further Education College, a charity, Social Services (twice) and a University. Every year, in every organisation budgets have been cut.
I do however fear for the future of my many friends who do not work. Times are changing and we will see what reform brings. Even when well I struggled with unemployment and unemployability; when I finally found work it took me 8 years before I was better off than on benefits. More of that in the future though, Kheema Mutter almost done.
Bye for now.
I Heard a Voice.
Not too bad a day after I dealt with the hundreds of mainly dull e mails. Had one minor crisis to deal with, thank goodness the world doesn't stop moving whilst I'm away. I'm really not that important. Then came to the delights of the day, statistics and my long delayed Annual Report.
Whether anyone actually reads it in detail I have no idea. It will of course report that in year 3 of my job at the University I saw more students than the year before; and indeed the year before that. The one thing that really irritates me about working, and the report bears that out, is that I always have to justify my existence.
This brings the even more interesting question of how one measures the effectiveness of mental health workers, or indeed services on a wider scale. Sadly I'm something of a one man band.
Is it how many of my students pass their courses? How many service users stay out of hospital? How many come off medication-in my experience of secondary services very few? How many get in to work? Or perhaps the bottom line is how many survive? Did someone say suicide prevention? (I sit on a working group on that!).
Perhaps more pertinent are the views of the funders! They are always at the root of everything that goes in mental health.
I'm never quite sure how to justify myself in this most interesting and varied field. For the time being I still have a job. Maybe cuts will put paid to that.
Talking of cuts, I'm not sure how new they are. Since I started work in 2001 I have worked for a Further Education College, a charity, Social Services (twice) and a University. Every year, in every organisation budgets have been cut.
I do however fear for the future of my many friends who do not work. Times are changing and we will see what reform brings. Even when well I struggled with unemployment and unemployability; when I finally found work it took me 8 years before I was better off than on benefits. More of that in the future though, Kheema Mutter almost done.
Bye for now.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday 5 September 2010
Lazy Sundays
Hi, I'm back.
As is my usual practice I'm having a quiet lazy Sunday. Been listening to Mozart and reading most of the afternoon. In fact with the exception of the girl in the shop I've not spoken a word to anyone all day.
It is sometimes very odd living alone. At times I crave it, just indulging in my own company doing what I want went I want. At other times I hate it. Not sure which sort of a day it is today, just feeling a bit flat I suppose.
Living with a mood disorder can frustrating. Wild swings of mood, at their worst accompanies by voices at the low end of the scale. Some weekends I get a little low; perhaps this weekend is one of them. Nothing really to worry about, I have been many times worse.
Very much hoping that the rare beef and nice rioja I'm intending to consume later will lift the mood; we shall see.
Oh, and it's back to work tomorrow. Been off the last 2 weeks so maybe the last day of the holiday is reflected in my mood; have some mixed feelings on returning.
I Heard a Voice.
As is my usual practice I'm having a quiet lazy Sunday. Been listening to Mozart and reading most of the afternoon. In fact with the exception of the girl in the shop I've not spoken a word to anyone all day.
It is sometimes very odd living alone. At times I crave it, just indulging in my own company doing what I want went I want. At other times I hate it. Not sure which sort of a day it is today, just feeling a bit flat I suppose.
Living with a mood disorder can frustrating. Wild swings of mood, at their worst accompanies by voices at the low end of the scale. Some weekends I get a little low; perhaps this weekend is one of them. Nothing really to worry about, I have been many times worse.
Very much hoping that the rare beef and nice rioja I'm intending to consume later will lift the mood; we shall see.
Oh, and it's back to work tomorrow. Been off the last 2 weeks so maybe the last day of the holiday is reflected in my mood; have some mixed feelings on returning.
I Heard a Voice.
Saturday 4 September 2010
New to This
Hi,
The first post of a brand new blog. Actually I'm not really new to this as I've been blogging at work for the last 2 1/2 years. Just fancied branching out.
So, who am I? I suppose like many people I am many things. As the title suggests I'm a voice hearer. Well to be honest that has now been pretty much under control since 2001. I'm a Cambridge graduate with a passion for music, cooking, and sport. But perhaps more importantly I have lived with mental illness for 20 years. I know there are many blogs out there that deal with such a subject so please feel free to ignore me. But I hope I can bring something new to the field.
The other slightly odd thing about me is that I not only have a mental illness but I work in the field. That's pretty fashionable amongst Mental Health Trusts these days but certainly wasn't when I started in 2001. At least in those days no one talked about it.
I now work at a university and sit in both camps, the service user (I hate that term), and a service provider.
So this blog is kind of about being on both sides of the fence, probably with a healthy bent on food. Talking of which is will soon be time for Thai BBQ spare ribs.
Bye for now.
I Heard a Voice
The first post of a brand new blog. Actually I'm not really new to this as I've been blogging at work for the last 2 1/2 years. Just fancied branching out.
So, who am I? I suppose like many people I am many things. As the title suggests I'm a voice hearer. Well to be honest that has now been pretty much under control since 2001. I'm a Cambridge graduate with a passion for music, cooking, and sport. But perhaps more importantly I have lived with mental illness for 20 years. I know there are many blogs out there that deal with such a subject so please feel free to ignore me. But I hope I can bring something new to the field.
The other slightly odd thing about me is that I not only have a mental illness but I work in the field. That's pretty fashionable amongst Mental Health Trusts these days but certainly wasn't when I started in 2001. At least in those days no one talked about it.
I now work at a university and sit in both camps, the service user (I hate that term), and a service provider.
So this blog is kind of about being on both sides of the fence, probably with a healthy bent on food. Talking of which is will soon be time for Thai BBQ spare ribs.
Bye for now.
I Heard a Voice
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